That’s where I found myself… overwhelmed, sad and tired. So much so that I actually went to the doctor. I thought I was sick. I told him that I was just so tired and no matter how much I rested; I never felt like it was enough. Then he asked me about my mental emotional state. At first I was confused. Like, what do my emotions have to do with me being tired? Apparently, everything. My dear friend, restorative justice guru, Dr. Shaniqua Jones says, “Sleep won’t help if it’s your soul that’s tired.”. I don’t know if truer words have ever been spoken. My soul was tired.
I went home that day and reevaluated my… everything. I didn’t even realize how my inability to reconcile my choices against the expectations of other folks was effecting me. This is why it is so important to be dialed into yourself. You need to reflect and question yourself about yourself.
The new year is here. We’re over a week into 2020 and things are moving along swimmingly. For me, 2019 was a humdinger for sure and I made it… so did you. There’s victory in that. Sometimes, we get so excited about new opportunities and expectations that we neglect to give weight and respect to what we’ve already made it through.
We don’t want to keep our eyes fixed on the rearview mirror, BUT every now and again you need to take a glance. Let it show you what you made it through, the ways you conquered things that were trying to conquer you and let it all paint a picture of your accomplishments and work that still needs to be done.
To that end, I want to walk us through things we need to do to elevate ourselves in the next year and beyond. Some of these things are written specifically with me in mind and some are for you, but they’ll all work together for our good.
Right up until the breathing I was like, “But when are we going to start doing yoga?” —Not realizing it started when I walked into the studio.
When I laid on the floor, breathing in through my nose, down into my belly, opening my rib cage… I stopped thinking about what was going to happen next. When I stood to learn Tadasana, a foundational yoga pose, I was so focused on my pelvis, the corners of my feet(I bet you didn't even know your feet had four corners. I certainly didn’t.), and breathing— I literally wasn’t thinking about a single other thing. I need yoga because I know it’s gonna teach me how to truly BE with myself.
I am so ready for this added layer of self discovery.
I decided that in 2019, I would spend more time focusing on my writing and my blog. See, that's one of the things I have been doing as the year is quickly coming to a close. (Yes bih, I said coming to a close. Can you believe it's already November? Macy's already has their Christmas display up? I'm already planning my Thanksgiving menu? WTF??) Planning what is important to me and what I want to accomplish in the new year.
But why? Why am I planning for 2019 when I have an entire 2 months left of 2018? 60 days to get closer to my wants, goals and desires? 1460 hours to make shit happen! 87,600 minutes to get it poppin'! LET'S GO! *Diddy voice* Ok, I got a little too excited, but you get the picture.
It’s time for some self-reflection. Hold up the mirror and hold that person accountable for the negative emotions felt when other people experience happiness you think belongs to you. The real problem might be that you spend too much time watching the moves of others when you should be making your own.
Women, we need to share our stories. Your friend is smiling every day and is devastated by things she thinks she can’t discuss with you. She’s struggling with something you can’t see. Your daughter thinks she needs to suck it up because you did. Tell her the truth… your truth. Admit you wish you didn’t have to suck it up. Tell your daughter about the mistakes of your youth. Be as specific or as vague as your comfort level will allow, but tell the truth.
Too many of us suffer in pain and silence because of perceived judgment, shame and stigma. When we speak truth by sharing our stories we normalize those things we were once ostracized and isolated by. Do you know how many times I have revealed something and heard… Are you serious, Stephanie??? Me too! Telling the truth helps you reclaim your power. It draws you to women who have yet to secure the footing it takes to stand tall and speak their truth. Truth unifies. Telling the truth says I know I am enough.
My experiences do not minimize me; they elevate me.
I will discuss shame and guilt often during our walk together. I see shame and guilt together as one dangerous pandemic… heart disease. The implications are far-reaching and catastrophic in their impact. Guilt and shame affect our worthiness… the essence of who we are as individuals. They tell us that we were complicit in what happened and in the manner in which it occurred. As such, we should be forever enslaved by the choices of our past. We don’t deserve joy. We don’t deserve peace. We don’t deserve restoration.
Of course those are all lies. Unfortunately, not enough people know this.
Anytime you have the desire to lie you need to stop and reflect. Fear is the only reason we lie. We keep secrets because we don’t want to feel the judgement of others. While no one may ever know the truth; you will always feel the shame.
Isn’t this what often happens between women? Particularly in the workplace. Men pulling strings that shouldn’t exist. As we often say…. It is what it is. I guess I can get with Angela deciding, initially not to work with Nuri. *slight eye roll. The truth is— Angela hit her #ChooseYou dougie on Nuri and I didn’t like it. Her behavior indicated that she was the most beautiful, powerful, worthy person she knows. We MUST fight the urge to begrudge women this right because it does not fall in line with what we believe we deserve. There is enough of everything we desire for all of us. You might just have to wait your turn.
This translates in adulthood to women who are environmental chameleons. Code switching as a dating mechanism. Ugh. A woman who transforms into who she thinks the man would find most agreeable. This is really so so tragic. It is a prison of your own design. This is why I cringe every single time I see a video of a man telling a woman how to find a man. It would be far more advantageous if she knew how to find herself. Maybe that’s not what the men in these videos really want… A woman who values her own identity more than she values attaching herself to a man to gain it. Yeah… That part.
The Other Women In His Life. I know this is a touchy area so I’m going to speak carefully. His momma is his momma baby girl. A man who loves his mother or his grandmother??? Yessssss!!! #IssaWin That man is going to love you deep. Yes… He will look for comparisons and connections. No. You are not his mother and you never will be, BUT he has chosen you as a reflection of her. She has built the best foundation for him to love you. She literally gave him life. Why do you resent the relationship? Why don’t you like her?
To be clear, social media doesn’t really make anyone hate their life. You hate your life because you hate your life. You continue to make the same choices, revisit the same places, roll around with the same individual and wonder why nothing in your life is different. I believe Einstein had words to say about that kind of behavior. He called it insanity. Einstein was correct. Imagine that. Unfortunately, you haven’t heard the wise words of the late great Einstein. So, you stay on the ferris wheel. Professing to hate every minute of it. Screaming to get off. Yet, never removing your safety belt. Never standing. Never being miserable enough to stop the revolutions.
I know the heart wrenching impact of suicide and the extreme, desperate heart and mind space one has to be in to make that choice. I also have friends who suffer from depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and perhaps other mental illnesses I know nothing about. I worry about them. I worry when they get to quiet and when they stay away too long. I wonder if my phone is gonna ring with the grief of a parent or sibling telling me they’ve chosen their own final act on the stage of life— I am sometimes terrified by the knowing… the knowing that no matter how beautiful, intelligent, witty and resourceful I find you— that if you don’t see it in yourself what I think doesn’t matter.
So, first we have to acknowledge the facts. We are plus size. We are overweight. We said we wanted to lead a more healthy lifestyle. We KEEP saying we want to lead a more healthy lifestyle. We had three seasons to get our life together. Fall, Winter and Spring have passed. We didn’t get our life together. To that end, we are still chubby. Is there anything wrong with that? Nope— Unless you want to be something else.
While I’m on this journey I’m going to tell you the truth. You know, you look at folks who lost the weight and kept it off. People post pictures in the gym or on the track, but we rarely discuss the setbacks, the double cheeseburgers and the days you give up. You see triumphant folks who've met a goal, but you don’t consider all that they went through to get to that point. You see them fit, healthy and you compare their relative success to your failure. Thing is… you’re looking at an incomplete picture. And yo! Stop comparing yourself to other people anyway! Yes, I yelled at you.
You know…. I almost posted a different blogpost, but then that would be compromising my entire purpose and mission. I don’t want to look or sound a particular way to those of you who read my words and keep up with me. I don’t want to portray a woman who always has perfect brows and hair with a fully beat face. I refuse to act like every day of my life is rainbows, glitter and baby giggles. I’m not playing a character on this blog or other social media platforms and I don’t want to. I want to BE who I say I am. And sometimes I’m a mess.
Women are so accustomed to taking care of others. We get taught this from a very young age in a way in which our male counterparts are not. It’s that dangblasted patriarchal society that conditions us. Girls take care of everyone. Not because it makes them happy, but because that’s what womenfolk are for. *chuckle Anyway, we really need to figure out how to carve out time and resources for the expressed purpose of bringing ourselves joy and relaxation.
I thought I had somehow been cheated. I’m supposed to be in charge of everybody for the purpose of making life perfect. My thinking was unreasonable, unattainable and unfair to everyone, especially me. If you say you want to be happy, but can’t seem get happy and stay in that space; it’s probably because you are pursuing something other than happiness. For me, it was the ideals of marriage and motherhood; not the reality. I, with all my intellectual prowess, managed to confuse perfection with happiness. Too many make the same mistake.
I cannot imagine the turmoil, the pain, the absolute heartbreak of her absence in my life. As Mother’s Day approaches many will be faced with the reality of more than “almost”. They will wake up every single day with their beloved mothers still in heaven. While the Christian thing to do is to rejoice knowing that she is with her heavenly father… the heart of a motherless child can hardly find peace; let alone rejoice.
I don’t know where people get the idea that we have nothing to do or we’d rather be doing something else. I literally cannot think of the last time I was bored at home. Also, the idea that SAHM’s have “settled” or given up on their dreams. Look into my eyes: We are not being held against our will. I don’t need to qualify my life to you. Worry about your deferred dreams. #JudgeYourOwnSelf
