"No one in your life will ever love you as your mother does. There is no love as pure, unconditional and strong as a mother's love."
-Hope Edelman
My mom almost died. Not the kind of almost died like when we cavalierly say, "I'm dead." or "I nearly died laughing.". She literally almost died. It was a beautiful fall day my first year of college. When I left her that morning she was fine. She was doing what she does… ushering me off to a class for which I was perpetually late. But by the next day, at the same time, she was fighting for her life. I won’t share the details, because they aren't necessary and also; you shouldn’t always reveal truth that you don’t own exclusively.
Still, my mom almost died.
She was so close it was if God couldn’t quite make up His mind. Like when the store clerk ask if you want paper or plastic. You already know which one you want, but still; you hesitate. My mommy almost left me. Only she, I and the other people in the room on that day know the extent to which that is absolutely true.
My mother’s brief purgatory has stayed with me all these years. It has informed nearly every decision I have made about everything of any consequence. There are times even today when I am consumed with emotion thinking of all the things she would have missed. That I… that we would have missed.
When I graduated from college… the first time she placed her hand on my swollen, pregnant belly… the way she sashayed down the aisle with that big, beautiful hat when I got married… her holding an arm, a leg and all of me at the same time as I gave birth… watching her dance the night away at her 60th birthday party… observing her, as an adult, love my father and me learning how to be a wife… and having a true best friend that no time or space or disagreement could permanently disrupt.
We would have missed all those things and all the moments and memories we’ve made from that fall day, all those years ago, to now.
It may sound odd, but I’m grateful for what the experience of almost losing my mother taught me. I am human, but I’m less likely to take her for granted. I intentionally work at making her feel special and loved. I mostly do what she asks. Mostly, because I’m Stephanie, a middle child and sometimes I take detours. Through it all, folks who truly know me know how I feel about my mother. She is in one word— EVERYTHING. I can call her for anything. If I need help with these kids, or this husband or house or friend or foe… I can go to her. She is my Google.
She is my Google.
I cannot imagine the turmoil, the pain, the absolute heartbreak of her absence in my life. As Mother’s Day approaches many will be faced with the reality of more than “almost”. They will wake up every single day with their beloved mothers still in heaven. While the Christian thing to do is to rejoice knowing that she is with her heavenly father… the heart of a motherless child can hardly find peace; let alone rejoice.
Today, I am thinking of you. If you lost your mother a year or ten or twenty ago I know the pain doesn’t improve— your ability to manage it does.
Losing a mother is its’ own purgatory. It is the constant waiting for the pain and the heartache to dissipate. Hanging in the balance is the idea of being joyful because that's what you know any mother would want and at the same time the desperate wish for another moment with your arms full of her and her love because that’s what any child would want… especially when it is impossible .
I pray that this year is easier than the last. My wish for you is to have more day than night, more sun than rain and that eventually smiles accompany the tears. Because there will always be tears... At least that's how I envision it anyway.
I will be thinking about you, my friends... sincerely. I will be praying for your strength and endurance. I will be praying that your peace and joy to return. In homage to you and your angelic mother in heaven... I will be loving the best woman I have ever known, my dear mother, from this lifetime into the next. And after that-- I’ll be loving her still.
I'm not here because I'm an expert. I'm here because I have experiences. -Stephanie