"You're never a loser until you quit trying."
-Mike Ditka
I ate Mexican food out of a styrofoam container today. I drank wine. I ate pizza. I had an apple fritter. It was National Donut Day or something. Who am I to forgo participation? And I guzzled a venti Carmel Macchiato… stirred, no foam with whipped. Fight me. No seriously. Fight me. I could use the cardio. I mean…. Before this I was on a roll. Boiled eggs, green smoothies, salmon, roasted chicken. I was pretty much eating clean… except for that damn Panera bread that comes with my salad. That bread should be against the law.
Anyway, that bread was my only vice. I was doing GREAT! New workout clothes on deck. Gym shoes fitting well and supporting these feet meant for a 6 foot model. YAAASSSS!!! Sweat was my favorite accessory. Fast forward to right now with the taste of refried beans still thick on my tongue and the desperate need to get a toothpick for the steak taco remnants that are chilling between my molar and incisor.
What is going on with me??? In a word: LIFE. It’s not more than I can handle, but it’s a lot. The kids are in their final weeks of school. Which means I need to be at school every other day for end of the year shenanigans. Read: I do not need to be there every day and I wish they would do away with end of the year shenanigans. That probably sounds horrible, but it is the truth! I love seeing photographs from year end culminating events, but I’d rather stay home. I got musicals, field trips, orchestra performances… You naaaame it! Hahahaha! Know what else??? Lean in… some teachers are still giving real homework. *insert incredulous face*
Also, I contracted two MAJOR home improvement projects that began at the same time. This was not my intention. These two projects were scheduled to perfection, but contractors. Contractors and on time scheduling is a sordid joke. I would use them both again in a heartbeat, but yeah my anxiety levels were off the charts.
Another thing that happened to me was… writing. I wanted to use all my free time to write. One of my favorite authors, Eliza David of the famed Cougarette series, often jokes about weight gain while writing. I’m once again reminded that jokes and truth make the best bedmates. I’m here to tell you that they need a divorce, because I would rather the numbers on the scale be a joke and not the entire truth. *sigh…
Why am I telling you this? I’m telling you how ridiculous I have been the last two (several) weeks because… Transparency. When I was eating tree bark and grass while working out everyday I was happy to tell you about that. With sweat glistening all over my body in selfies showing my “I did it!” face for all to see. You know my “I did it!” face. Lips curled in a tight, but warm half smile, left eyebrow slightly raised, eyes bright and strong. Yep! That’s it!
Well, I wanted the world to know when I was rolling. Well, things changed up for a minute. Now I’m not gone say I fell off the wagon, but I for damn sure had one foot on the ground dragging behind it. True story. Well, Stephanie, how does the story end? It doesn’t. I’m learning that healthy living is a lifelong journey. There is a beginning, but there will never be an ending in its’ pursuit. I need to refocus, recommit and restart.
While I’m on this journey I’m going to tell you the truth. You know, you look at folks who lost the weight and kept it off. People post pictures in the gym or on the track, but we rarely discuss the setbacks, the double cheeseburgers and the days you give up. You see triumphant folks who've met a goal, but you don’t consider all that they went through to get to that point. You see them fit, healthy and you compare their relative success to your failure. Thing is… you’re looking at an incomplete picture. And yo! Stop comparing yourself to other people anyway! Yes, I yelled at you.
So, what’s next. I need to reflect on why bad food is my go to when I get overwhelmed. Why don’t I crave apples, kale and quinoa when I get stressed? That’s a real question. And why do I even feel the urge to eat when I feel stressed? Like, why don’t I feel the urge to run a half marathon or do 1000 jumping jacks? Another real question. Dah well… Next steps: I’m going to forgive myself for the fall. Then, I’m gonna buy another cute workout top because… Motivation! DUH! Lastly, I’m just gonna get back to it. I’m gonna put my foot back in the wagon and get back on the road to healthy. I’m gonna choose me. Love y’all. See you soon!
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences. -Stephanie