“Yoga is the journey of the self through the self to the self.”
-Bhagavad Gita
I went to my first yoga class today.
I am super excited. I mean, I’ve previously done yoga videos. And by done I mean I sat on the couch and watched other people do yoga. Funny, right? I used to regularly watch fitness videos from the couch or my bed. I was young and fit at the time, but still. I cannot explain it. I just felt like sharing.
The class began with the teacher introducing herself. She explained what yoga is and is not. She told us what to expect each week. Then, the four of us shared a bit about ourselves, our reason for attending and any health related issues we were comfortable sharing.
I volunteered as tribute. A self-imposed penance for being tardy to class.
Yes. I was late. Truthfully, I almost didn't even go. I was celebrating my dad's birthday and I didn't want to leave. In my family we do birthdays big and our hangout game is strong. So, I was going to sacrifice the class for family time. Good choice; right? Wrong.
I was in fact using my dads birthday as an excuse to avoid the commitment I made to myself. That's not to say I wouldn't have enjoyed the extra time with my family. That's not the point though. The point is owning that I often sacrifice what I need to do for what I want to do. Even when it doesn't serve me.
If my parents hadn't told me to go; I wouldn’t have left. I would've skipped my class and that… well, that's problematic.
Huh? What’s problematic about more family time?
It’s not about the extra family time. It’s the repeated avoidance of what makes me uncomfortable for what makes me feel safe. It's the lack of discipline and personal accountability. It's my fear of new things and my reluctance to jump because standing on the edge ensures I won't fall.
^Self-reflection.
I'm not going to beat myself up about this because it won't change the circumstances and I don't deserve it. Not for nothing, I did go to class.
I know this yoga business is for me because it took about thirty minutes for me to stop fixating on the fact that she and we were still talking and we hadn’t done anything yet. My yoga experience is very limited. Still, I was like, “Come on, yoga. Let’s get this party started!” But the instructor kept talking and talking. Then, she asked us to talk. Eventually, she led us to breathe.
Right up until the breathing I was like, “But when are we going to start doing yoga?” —Not realizing it started when I walked into the studio.
When I laid on the floor, breathing in through my nose, down into my belly, opening my rib cage… I stopped thinking about what was going to happen next. When I stood to learn Tadasana, a foundational yoga pose, I was so focused on my pelvis, the corners of my feet(I bet you didn't even know your feet had four corners. I certainly didn’t.), and breathing— I literally wasn’t thinking about a single other thing. I need yoga because I know it’s gonna teach me how to truly BE with myself.
I am so ready for this added layer of self discovery and self awareness.
I need this. I need to stop my racing mind. I need to be more present. I need to learn how to shut up everything except myself. I'm still suffocating under the wants and needs of others while using food and food and food as oxygen.
The teacher asked, “Why are you here?”. I replied, “Because every day I tell people how to choose themselves and my physical health is one of the ways I consistently don’t.”
I’m here because I’m working every day to be less of a hypocrite… I know that journey will always lead to a better me.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences. -Stephanie