Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.
-Paul Tournier
People don’t know much about me. For better or worse that’s changing in some ways as I continue to share my life with you as a means to normalize life. But as it is; people don’t really know me. I like it that way. It’s not that I desire to be some sort of an enigma— all mysterious. I'm definitely not one of the cool kids. I've been described as friendly, but tough nut to crack. I take no pride in it. Some call it aloof. I call it a means to protect myself after years of scrutiny and bullying at the hands of children and adults.
I mean I’ve told you guys about the roots of my life as an introvert. It’s part personality, part birth order and part life experience. Ever evolving, I question myself about the things people don’t know about me and whether or not I want them to know those things which they do not. Tricky; right? Like… Hmmm… Why don’t I talk about that?
Some things just don’t come up and others we keep down.
Privacy and Secrecy
That’s what it boils down to folks— Privacy and secrecy. You’ve heard the phrase, “Knowledge is Power.” Well… not always. With privacy, the power is only in the hands of the person holding the knowledge. They can decide, without consequence, who knows what. On the other hand, with secrets, the person holding the knowledge is the ONLY person without power. (That gave me chills.) The power doesn’t rest with the knowledge. The power rests in the fear of someone gaining knowledge.
I encourage everyone reading this to write down all the things people don’t know about you. Not so you can tell them, but so you can free you. Stay with me.
Privacy is only about your right to share information about yourself with someone. Their knowledge of these things would not damage you emotionally or mentally. For example: Is it their business? Does it pertain to them? We keep things private for our safety. My address? Nope. You don’t need that. My social security number? Nope. You don’t need that. My mother’s maiden name? Nawl. You don’t need that either. Things that are private wouldn’t necessarily stir up an emotional response, but the paternity of your child might. That’s a secret.
Secrets Wreak Of Guilt and Shame
Secrecy on the other hand… Secrecy is another animal. Secrets are detrimental to your literal life. They keep us bound. They tie us up. They put us in a dark place and close the door. They contribute to anxiety and depression. That abortion you had? The bankruptcy and foreclosure? Your estranged family… When you got fired, but told everyone you got laid off. Remember that? Anytime you have the desire to lie you need to stop and reflect. Fear is the only reason we lie. We keep secrets because we don’t want to feel the judgement of others. While no one may ever know the truth; you will always feel the shame.
Secrets Steal Your Power
Secrets have power. And not the kind that waves a magic wand that produces unicorns and rainbows. Secrets are evil. Their primary function is to steal your joy and minimize your purpose. The only reason to keep a secret is to refrain from facing the truth. Secrets create then reinforce guilt and shame. What will people think of me? Well, what do you think of you? How are your secrets hindering your progress and purpose?
People often confuse privacy and secrecy. You might think it’s a matter of semantics, but I beg to differ. Privacy keeps you safe. Secrets attack. They make you question your worthiness and they rely on the truth remaining hidden. Oh! There it is! In order for secrecy to exist the truth cannot. WHY? That’s what you need to ask yourself. Write that list: Things That No One Knows About Me. Then, ask yourself why hasn’t this come up. Next, write private or secret beside what you wrote.
Choose You
The private stuff is the private stuff. But listen, those secrets they must be resolved. You will have to ask yourself hard questions. Why don’t I want anyone to know that? Why does this circumstance make me feel subpar? How am I effected by the truth of this secret? How are other people effected by the truth of my secret? How can I resolve my feelings surrounding this so I can speak my truth. Oh…. The freedom of being able to speak your truth… to tell your truth… to be free??? It is priceless. True, there are things that belong to you— things that people don’t need to know. Still, if you keep things hidden as a means to avoid or cloud up the truth… well that’s rooted in shame. Nothing good can grow there. Be true and free you. Love y'all.
I'm not here because I'm an expert. I'm here because I have experiences. -Stephanie