“Sleep won’t help if it’s your soul that’s tired.”
-Dr. Shaniqua Jones
I used to be so tired. Tired of feeling insufficient and undervalued. Tired of feeling guilty and ashamed for not understanding I had a right to be tired. Tired of apologizing for the circumstances of my life. Tired of being tired. As a woman… as a Black woman— I face criticism and backlash just by drawing breath in this misogynistic, patriarchal, racist society. You understand? It is difficult enough just to BE. Add to that the rest of life’s challenges and it is very easy to be quickly overwhelmed.
That’s where I found myself… overwhelmed, sad and tired. So much so that I actually went to the doctor. I thought I was sick. I told him that I was just so tired and no matter how much I rested; I never felt like it was enough. Then he asked me about my mental emotional state. At first I was confused. Like, what do my emotions have to do with me being tired? Apparently, everything. My dear friend, restorative justice guru, Dr. Shaniqua Jones says, “Sleep won’t help if it’s your soul that’s tired.”. I don’t know if truer words have ever been spoken. My soul was tired.
I went home that day and reevaluated my… everything. I didn’t even realize how my inability to reconcile my choices against the expectations of other folks was effecting me. This is why it is so important to be dialed into yourself. You need to reflect and question yourself about yourself.
Get your journals for this.
Questions to ask yourself: What is this feeling I’m feeling? Am I sad? Am I jealous? Am I resentful? Am I angry? Is it rooted in fear? What am I afraid of? How do I want to respond? What response will serve me best? Does this situation require a response? Why am I choosing this response? What is my goal for the outcome of this situation? How have I betrayed myself presently or in the past? That question right there might make you emotional. Be prepared for that. The ways in which I have betrayed my self over the years…
I forgive myself for not understanding my worth.
Stop apologizing for the condition of your life. If your life is challenging you; change it. If your life is challenging other people… Well, whose problem is that? I know this is a nuanced area, but still. Make yourself happy. Own your life. Stop apologizing because your kids can be heard in the background of a phone call. If your friend gets annoyed because your child keeps interrupting you on a call; get off the phone and schedule a lunch date.
Stop apologizing for your appearance. You knew you had ketchup on your shirt and your hair was a mess when you left home. LOL! Every school event I attend I hear several mothers apologizing to others about their hair or their clothing. Stop it. And if you’re out here fishing for compliments by apologizing for your appearance— Stop that shit immediately.
If you’re able to travel the Almafi Coast and your friends money or interest only goes as far as the east coast… There is no shame in either destination and you shouldn’t feel any guilt about the resources and desire related to your travel. Go where you want to go. Live the life you desire unapologetically. I once had an associate who despised her life from her husband, to her home, to her children. Everything was all bad. I began to feel guilty sharing anything positive about my life. The condition of her life belonged to her. And yet, I was apologizing for the goodness in mine.
I now understand that when everything around you is all bad; it’s probably all you.
When you get really dialed in to yourself you are reflective about everything. You see lessons and growth opportunities in all things. Some folks will liken it to overthinking or obsessing. It is not the same. Overthinking and obsessing is akin to a hamster on a wheel. It’s cyclical. Lots of energy. No movement. Reflection is a results oriented journey. It’s directional. #Forward
My life was forever changed by my commitment to reflection.
I now operate in a guilt and shame free framework. So while some of the events or circumstances of my life are not ideal; they are mine. I feel more free with each conscious choice to own my life… to reject guilt and shame.
That is where guilt and shame originate really. It comes from the regret of not meeting the expectations of other folks. Women have been conditioned to be pretty, quiet and nice. We are groomed to discover the joys of others and then create it or amplify it. When we fail to meet the anticipated goal, we have learned that contrition, shame and guilt are the proper responses. That is a lie that we must unlearn.
Contrition is appropriate in areas where your actions have affected someone else. A show for remorse accompanied by an apology makes sense. But I will never endorse shame or guilt. In fact, #ChooseYou was born in the space of me determining that guilt and shame serve no purpose in my life. Also, I want to meet my own expectations; even in interactions with others. I set the tone. I determine what is or is not acceptable based on what I desire for my life. Everyone should do the same.
This is where people start throwing around the word selfish. Selfishness is riddled with negative connotations. We really really need to reconsider how we define selfish behavior; particularly for women. A woman can tell someone, no or I’m not interested or I’d rather take a hot bath than go out to dinner, without it being taken as personal assault. You must make yourself the most beautiful, powerful, worthy person you know. The world doesn’t revolve around you, but your world should… unapologetically. We must support one another in our decisions to care for ourselves without apology. When you #ChooseYou you give other women permission to do the same. It is a beautiful thing… to watch a woman choose herself.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences. -Stephanie