"Too many of us are living in a distorted reality where we believe the challenges in our relationships and marriages are unique to us. They are not."
-Stephanie
I want you to know that when I tell you about getting and staying married it’s not because I have everything figured out. I have definitely made my share of bad decisions and mistakes. Some of which have taken years to resolve emotionally. I don’t know it all. I am working every day to have a beautiful marriage. I am neither a perfect woman or wife.
Still, there are things I have learned on my journey. If my experience can be used to validate the experiences of another individual— If my words cause you to stop and reflect on past or current circumstances— If my words only help you to see that you are not alone that’s enough for me. Too many of us are living in a distorted reality where we believe the challenges in our relationships and marriages are unique to us. They are not.
The only thing new under the sun is you. The circumstances, triumphs and challenges you’re facing have all happened to someone else before you. I cannot stress enough the importance of good people who are willing to be transparent and share the truth of their life. Especially all parts related to the unrealistic romanticization of love and marriage.
Never forget or underestimate the freedom that comes with being honest and standing in your truth. A major, bonus byproduct of sharing your truth is that it gives other people permission to acknowledge theirs. Turn on the light in your life and your marriage.
Discretion is appropriate… deceit is not.
What I Think I Know About Getting and Staying Married
The 50/50 Lie. I know why this sounds appealing to people. Everyone wants what they are responsible for to be defined. It makes them feel safe. The math says 50+50=100. YAY! We made it to 100%! We’re both giving equally! Because equal everything is how marriage works. NO. Why would your goal be to only provide half? In a successful relationship, ideally, both people give 100%. You leave everything you have on the table. You do not keep a portion to yourself because your mate owes the other half.
Also, the goal is to give 100% of your best. The reality is that sometimes all you have to give is 80%. Remember that time I told you your best swings on a pendulum? When I had the flu right after Christmas I was at maybe 10%. I was truly ill. Like, I probably could have fallen out of the bed, dragged myself down the hallway and thrown myself down the stairs if there was a fire. Other than that; I had nothing. #TrueStory
My husband had to make up the difference. All of it. That’s what marriage is really about… recognizing and filling in the gaps sans resentment. Put away your tally sheets. Stop keeping track of who did and didn’t do what. Your marriage will flourish when you give the best of you every day.
Let That Man Work. I have to first admit that men, in general, need to work more intentionally to integrate home life and work. There must be so much pressure for them because a man is often defined by his ability to provide for his family. For me, there are few things more attractive than a hard working man and that’s true for most women I know. So, I get confused when a woman complains about the amount of time a man spends working… unless that man isn’t bringing home any money. *ahem
I was raised in a home with a father who spent a significant amount of time at work and a mother who never complained about it. That’s my starting point. My father was often out of town on assignments and my mother was at home with three kids holding it down. I appreciate that she taught me how to hold it down.
I’m not talking about a man running the streets or a man who’s hanging out at his boy’s house playing Madden. The man I am referring to is trying to create a better life for his family. He wants birthdays, Christmases and anniversaries to be special. He doesn’t want his wife to be worried about the mortgage or car insurance or how to give his babies a Disney vacation. He knows you need or want a new car. He is trying to figure it out for his family.
Complaining about the amount of time he spends at the place that provides the lifestyle you enjoy is counterproductive and doesn’t ultimately support the goals you have for your family.
Acknowledge the real issue behind your negative feelings and then verbalize them. For example…. I miss you. I could really use some time with you. Or…. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with the kids. I need some time for myself. Sometimes, we use the “job” as a scapegoat because we don’t want to be vulnerable enough to speak the truth.
My personal philosophy: As long as my debit card works when I swipe it; I will never have a problem with my husband’s work ethic.
Be You. Girls are taught from a young age how to “be”. That conversation is always rooted in how we can make ourselves more palatable to other people. Don’t be too loud, too opinionated or too aggressive. What if we taught our daughters to be however they choose as long as they do it with love and respect? I mean, it seems harmless when you tell your young daughter all the things a lady does and doesn’t do— Until she grows into a woman caught between who she is and who trusted adults told her she should be.
This translates in adulthood to women who are environmental chameleons. Code switching as a dating mechanism. Ugh. A woman who transforms into who she thinks the man would find most agreeable. This is really so so tragic. It is a prison of your own design. This is why I cringe every single time I see a video of a man telling a woman how to find a man. It would be far more advantageous if she knew how to find herself. Maybe that’s not what the men in these videos really want… A woman who values her own identity more than she values attaching herself to a man to gain it. Yeah… That part.
Don’t be the woman who is married for 40 years when she realizes she’s only been playing a part in the movie of her life. The woman who chose to be more true to her family than she had been to herself. That said, you can decide on any day who you are. You can decide that you laugh a laugh that fills up a room instead of that cute lil laugh you’ve been doing where you cover your mouth. You can decide that you don’t want anyone to eat off your plate. You don’t like it. You never did.
Be authentically you from day one. You are enough. All by yourself. The man who is truly meant for you will appreciate all the parts of you that make you you. He wouldn’t have you any other way.
I'm not here because I'm an expert. I'm here because I have experiences. -Stephanie