"You can be the moon and still be jealous of the stars."
-Gary Allan
Here you are… again... reviewing the current state of your life. Truthfully, shit looks pretty good. You own your own home. You work a well paying job in your field of choice. Your "friend" comes through weekly for adult services (wink wink). You vacation and eat delicious food regularly. Also, you made it through your 20’s STD free. Congratulations.
When you review your life on its’ own merits; you are pleased. You feel proud of yourself and all that you’ve accomplished, and rightfully so. Then, you log on to the app notorious for making people hate their respective lives. You remember you hate yours too. Depressive feelings consume you. Just like that. You go from feeling zen about your life to needing a social media break.
To be clear, social media doesn’t really make anyone hate their life. You hate your life because you hate your life. You continue to make the same choices, revisit the same places, roll around with the same individual and wonder why nothing in your life is different. I believe Einstein had words to say about that kind of behavior. He called it insanity. Einstein was correct. Imagine that. Unfortunately, you don't know the wise words of the late great Einstein. So, you stay on the ferris wheel. Professing to hate every minute of it. Screaming to get off. Yet, never removing your safety belt. Never standing. Never being miserable enough to stop the revolutions.
You don't hate your life, actually. You hate yourself.
So, you log onto social media looking for all the ways you are unworthy of the life you desperately want, but are afraid to work towards. Then, you blame social media for making you unhappy. You get angry with people for posting about times of celebration. If they post one too many photos from a life-changing event like a new baby or a graduation or they talk too much about the promotion they just received; you unfollow them or you unfriend them altogether. They post too much anyway.
You are a hater. Your self esteem is compromised. You are broken.
Low self-esteem is where “hating" comes from. It's the reason you can't be happy for your newly engaged friend. “Why do men like her? Hell, why don’t they like me? I haven't even had a date in nine months. How is she engaged? *eyeroll*” Low self-esteem is why you can't celebrate your friends promotion, new baby, house, new car, family… it's why you can't read their fabulous blog.
I know. I know. You don't see it that way. You love your friend or friends and you want nothing but the best for them. I believe you. What you don't understand is your inability to celebrate with them, for them, in spite of them or in their absence is directly correlated to the competition you are in with them knowingly or unknowingly. You want to know why you don’t have things and titles that belong to them. Perhaps, you thought yourself better. The fact that their life looks more appealing to you than your own suggests, to you, you are not. You are correct.
I, personally, don't take offense to this behavior anymore. I ain’t gonna lie though, it can be painful. Who doesn't want their friends to be happy for them? Completely, totally, comprehensively happy for them? Still, I know that someone who cannot be happy for me also cannot be happy for themselves. Their inability to celebrate me fully is a projection of their own deficits. It's not even really about me. It's just a symptom of the disease that they're currently suffering from.
The disease is best fought with 100mg of mind your own damn business and 200mg of gratitude. Be grateful for what you do have. This is the part where folks like to say, “there are so many people in the world who have less that you.” I don’t say it. Not because it isn’t true, but because it misses the point. You really need to get the point. Be grateful and find contentment in your current circumstances so that you may continue your ascension.
In a healthy situation you would use a mirror to reflect on how you could improve your own circumstances. In unhealthy circumstances you use a window instead— A magnifying glass. Examining the lives of others to see how you measure up to them. If your examination shows the person is not doing better than you by your estimation; life is great.
Marissa has two children, is recently divorced and is 30 pounds heavier than college. Look at you poppin your petty collar. The problem occurs when your assessment is complete and you’ve been left in the dust of your counterpart(by your estimation). Chloe is posted up on her yacht, bodied up after three kids, on vacation with her husband of 15 years. By the way, he adores her. Damn! Damn! Damn!
When you continuously engage in this behavior... You don't measure up and you never will.
Competition with others is a matter of the heart. It's an issue of self esteem and self worth. Until you realize that you are your only competition you will continue to lose to other folks no matter the state of circumstances, capacity to perform or desire to make something out of nothing.
Side note: The people you’re competing with have no idea. What a colossal waste of energy. Imagine being on the track with your Flo Jo track suit on, sunglasses secure, ass in the air, fingertips on the ground waiting for the start of the race. Now, imagine the person you are racing against is kicking it on a downtown rooftop with three of her good good girlfriends. Meanwhile, your simple ass is waiting for the starter pistol to be fired. Sounds silly; right? Ok.
You spend waaaaay too much time evaluating other people. Keep your eyes and energy focused on your own life. When you glance at someone else’s life be deliberate about feeling and expressing joy for the goodness in their life. It might be difficult at first. Jealousy is insensitive and oppressive like that. Keep working at it just like you would anything else.
Not for nothing…
If you can like/love celebrity posts, but cannot bring yourself to do the same for people you ACTUALLY know because it’s too painful for you… you have a heart problem, my friend. I’m not saying you need a heart transplant. I’m just saying you might need an EKG and a defibrillator. #RESET
Love y'all.
I'm not here because I'm an expert. I'm here because I have experiences. -Stephanie