"We are born of love. Love is our mother."
-Rumi
I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy. I could be described with many other adjectives though. Resentful, angry, depressed, confused and disappointed would qualify. How could this be? I had pretty much reached the socialized pinnacle of success. In my short lifetime I had earned a Masters degree, married a wonderful man and we grew a beautiful family together. A house in the burbs, date nights and I no longer worked outside the home. Momma! I made it!!! Right?
Isn’t it true that those are accomplishments lauded to make a woman complete? Husband? Check. Kids? Check. American dream? Check. So why was I ready to toss it all in the trash? Because I didn’t understand the truth about marriage and motherhood. I waited my whole life to be a grownup so I could run shit. Turns out when you become a grownup you still don’t run shit except yourself… Some days that’s questionable.
I thought I had somehow been cheated. I’m supposed to be in charge of everybody for the purpose of making life perfect. My thinking was unreasonable, unattainable and unfair to everyone, especially me. If you say you want to be happy, but can’t seem to get happy and stay in that space; it’s probably because you are pursuing something other than happiness. For me, it was the ideals of marriage and motherhood; not the reality. I, with all my intellectual prowess, managed to confuse perfection with happiness. Too many make the same mistake.
Matters of the heart cannot be resolved in the mind.
Why is no one speaking this truth? I’m gonna just tell you what I wish I had known. You can’t raise grown people. You cannot control and fix your spouse any more than they can control and fix you. You chose that individual for better or worse as they were; not as you hoped for them to be. All the time and energy you’re expending to make them more… whatever would be better spent on yourself.
Fix yourself.
Every time you see something wrong in your spouse look for something in yourself to fix. Somehow when I spent more time reflecting on and making adjustments in my own life— my marriage improved. #TrueStory
Know what else you need to now? Your kids are gonna do what they’re gonna do. That goes from age two to fifty-two. This overwhelming desire to feel in control of everything around you is making you miserable. Also… Your desire to be in control does not make you in control. Your children are smaller versions of you. They deserve love and respect and patience. Stop looking around at what other folks think about your ability to parent your children.
What other people think about you is none of your business.
Last week, Blake was screaming in the store because he’s TWO. He doesn’t need a reason to do what he does. Two year olds do stuff that makes zero sense to rational thinkers. DUH! I immediately placed him in his stroller and began to make my way toward the store’s exit. Guess what? Onlookers were not impressed with my strategy to just leave the store. They, with their looks of disgust and disapproval, would have preferred if I put a bridle on him? #gtfoh I don’t know. I don’t care. #JudgeYourOwnSelf
There are so many cases where you cannot win in the eyes of others. Keep playing your game. Keep your head down with your eyes on your own paper. There is no test. Only a long list of assignments on your journey as a mother. You’re doing a wonderful job.
You will make mistakes. How else will you learn? I was miserable because I was chasing perfection. I wanted a husband and children who behaved a particular way. I wanted it all to look “right”. I wanted people to be proud of me and I was consumed with guilt and shame because the broken road that brought us together wasn’t perfectly paved.
Now…. I want me to be proud of me.
When I began to forgive myself for the mistakes of my past and embrace my journey as is… That. Was. Freedom. It doesn’t need to be perfect. In fact, it’s never going to be perfect. The imperfections of my life are the motivation for me to write these words:
I am enough. You are enough. As a wife, as a mother, as a woman… You are enough.
The pursuit of perfection is a waste of you. The only reason you would throw pieces of your heart away chasing perfection is if you don’t understand that perfection is a lie and peace comes in pursuing progress.
Affirm yourself. Affirm another mother… Affirm any woman.
Help me normalize life by speaking the truth about your journey while reserving judgment on the journey of others. When you speak the truth you empower others to do the same. You would not believe how good it feels to share your stories. You would find out you are not alone.
You are not alone.
You are capable. You are flawed. You are loved. You are beautiful. You are irreplaceable. You are the best woman for you. To those who are mothers… to those who wish to be, but are not yet…. to those who have lost their tiniest loves... to those who stand in the gap… to those Auntie’s and Godmother’s who hold us up and help us out… Happy Mother’s Day! I love you!
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences. -Stephanie