Intelligent, successful, attractive people can be intimidating. They force us to hold a mirror to ourselves; we can be disappointed, jealous, or inspired toward personal growth.
Dr. Ian K. Smith
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This week, Keegan Michael Key has been dubbed best friend ever after his genuinely ecstatic reaction to Jordan Peele’s richly deserved, historic Oscar win for the film Get Out. The whole internet is widely abuzz with memes and authentic appreciation for his reaction. People are all like… If your friends don’t celebrate you like this then you need to get rid of them… you need to reevaluate your friends. And listen… I too appreciate his elation and I agree with the friendship assessment. But I don’t want to talk about friendship to the person winning. Today, I want to talk to the person who’s watching the wins and is unable to celebrate because it isn’t them. Message: Don’t wait for the hater in you to die; kill it.
Yep. I said it. You are a hater. Minimally, you have hater tendencies. If you cannot find joy in the success, happiness, upward mobility etc. of others— you are a hater. You are selfish. You are treasonous. You are toxic. You‘re a hater. Here’s the gag though… The person you’re ultimately hating on is you. Who’s miserable? You. The individual who you view as "winning" doesn’t lose their promotion because you wouldn’t congratulate them. Your inability to let their shine warm your heart is your own biggest defeat.
There may be a variety of reasons for your haterrific behavior. Perhaps, like Vesta, you thought it would have been you. When I was 7 years old and watching L.A. Law with my mom; I dreamt of being a high powered corporate attorney. I would drive a Porsche and rule the courtroom. Guess what? I don’t happen to be a high powered corporate attorney. Guess what else? I am so happy and proud of people I know who have earned that achievement. How? Because why not? Did they contribute to my not busting my ass in undergrad so I could make the choice to attend law school? No. Absolutely not. And #TrueStory, the only reason I am not an attorney at this very moment is because I was not willing to do the work. I own that. What’d they have to do with it? N O T H I N G. So, instead of using my energy to begrudge them their respective accomplishment; I celebrate them because they did the damn thing. WHOOT!
Also, side note, lil hater—You don’t know what the person you view as "winning" has had to endure in order to reach the perceived level of success. I knew a young woman who lived in a beautiful condo downtown, drove the car she desired, shopped when and where she wanted and didn’t have to work. This is while I was going to work every day, living in a moderately nice apartment, in a moderately crappy neighborhood, deciding between car insurance and clubbing. Wanna know how she was able to live the lux life while I, and you, pounded the pavement daily? Of course you do. Her mother died when she was a TODDLER. She received a large settlement. The end. Would you trade your momma in for impromptu lunches and shopping trips? I wouldn’t. I mean like… How many Louis Vuitton bags would it take to carry the devastation that comes with losing your mom before you learn how to wipe your ass? Be careful looking on other folks plates wishing you were eating what they are eating. You have no idea how empty they are.
I told you when you come here you will get love and the truth will be told. This is the truth. If the success of other folks makes you feel sad, angry and or jealous that ain’t about them. It’s not about what they have—it’s about what you don’t. Something is missing, broken, undone… in you. It’s time for some self-reflection. Hold up the mirror and hold that person accountable for the negative emotions felt when other people experience happiness you think belongs to you. The real problem might be that you spend too much time watching the moves of others when you should be making your own.
That’s it. I love you. You know I do. You gotta get out of this funk. Don’t wait for the hater in you to die; KILL IT. Heal the hater in you. If you want to reach the the mountain top you have to get out of the valley of jealousy, entitlement, irresponsibility and insecurity. Love you enough to discover what will bring fulfillment to you and then work towards that. Don’t be upset about triumphs for which you have never been in contention. There’s enough joy, money, husbands, wives, promotions, vacations, homes etc. for everyone. What are you willing to do to get them? Talk to you soon. In the meantime, pick up that mirror and answer this question: Do you like you?
I’m not here because I’m expert. I’m here because I have experiences. -Stephanie