This week while Gayle King was interviewing Lisa Leslie she asked and assertively pursued a line of questioning in relationship to the allegations of rape against Kobe Bryant. The clip quickly went viral. Folks were deeply offended by the line of questioning, with Gayle prodding Leslie to acquiesce that Kobe was indeed guilty and that his legacy was tarnished. Leslie held her ground and reinforced that her friend, Kobe Bryant, would never have engaged in the behaviors that he had been accused of(The case was ultimately dropped). Folks are BIG mad at Gayle. Snoop Dog took to instagram to call Ms. King a “funky dog head bitch.” He went further to say, “Respect the family and back off before we come and get you.”
End scene.
I only added the above paragraph to provide context. Although, I am not convinced that context is actually necessary to say what I am going to say next. We could insert any name into this interaction and my interpretation and response would be the same. It’s just that some folks start acting exceptionally obtuse when they are called out because the very delicate fabric of their moral slip is showing.
This isn’t about the allegations of rape made against Kobe. This isn’t about if Gayle King was right or wrong in her line of questioning. I have opinions about both. They do not matter.
I am so happy to be writing today. Describing the last almost three months as difficult would be a major understatement . I have wanted to write— to tell you what my family and I have been facing. I have wanted to write about the truth of walking my child through a traumatic experience. I have wanted to share the intimate details of a helpless mother… the heartache of watching the best parts of you become the darkest part of you.
But this is my safe space… my joy.
This is a blog read by many people and yet it still feels so intimate to me. I didn’t want to tarnish it by discussing an experience I haven’t healed from. I didn’t want to transfer these negative emotions. I’ve been so angry and sad and angry and enraged.
The world would lead you to believe that it is impossible for women to share in loving, productive, symbiotic relationships. I think this is particularly true in portrayals of Black women, buuuuuut it’s fair to say that women of all races get a bad rap for how they interact with each other.
Blame misogyny. Blame patriarchy. Blame media.
For me, I think it is important to cast out these negative and false accounts regarding relationships between women. These accounts that portray us as overemotional, drama filled and in constant competition. I won't lie, I have had a bad interaction or two. However, over the course of my life it is my relationships with other women that have lifted me up and held me down. It is my relationships with women that have provided covering and protection.
Social media in theory is an amazing tool for enhancing relationships. Too many of us are using it as the canvas for our relationships when it should only be one of the brushes we use to paint. It’s one way to manage relationships; not the only way. It’s supposed to bring us together, but the truth is that it does the exact opposite. It gives a false sense of unity because you can see what’s going on in the lives of others even when you’re not an active participant. Some of our friends are at the end of their proverbial rope and we don’t know because we’re using Facebook pictures and posts to determine their mental and emotional well being. You think you know what’s going on, but you really have no idea.
Smiling faces tell lies.
For me, it’s the difference between shopping online and walking into the store. From the comfort of your device you can see the color, size and fabric. That is good information. But… You cannot feel the weight of the material, the vibrance of the color or how it fits on your body.
I love this platform… this blog I created to share my experiences and express myself. On the surface that’s what this blog is. It’s a tangible conduit for my thoughts. In essence, it’s a journal. A very public journal. Everything I write here is true. Don’t get me wrong, I love creative writing and I have some of that in my repertoire too. Still, the only creative license I take when writing here is the names I change to protect privacy.
I use my life as a catalyst for reflection. I am transparent to influence and impact those who humble me by reading my words. I think it’s funny though… Sometimes, I start writing and I influence and impact my own self #Winning. It can be frustrating because I start writing with the end in mind and then I get in it and reflection takes me somewhere else. I love writing. I love reflection more.
I decided that in 2019, I would spend more time focusing on my writing and my blog. See, that's one of the things I have been doing as the year is quickly coming to a close. (Yes bih, I said coming to a close. Can you believe it's already November? Macy's already has their Christmas display up? I'm already planning my Thanksgiving menu? WTF??) Planning what is important to me and what I want to accomplish in the new year.
But why? Why am I planning for 2019 when I have an entire 2 months left of 2018? 60 days to get closer to my wants, goals and desires? 1460 hours to make shit happen! 87,600 minutes to get it poppin'! LET'S GO! *Diddy voice* Ok, I got a little too excited, but you get the picture.
Women, we need to share our stories. Your friend is smiling every day and is devastated by things she thinks she can’t discuss with you. She’s struggling with something you can’t see. Your daughter thinks she needs to suck it up because you did. Tell her the truth… your truth. Admit you wish you didn’t have to suck it up. Tell your daughter about the mistakes of your youth. Be as specific or as vague as your comfort level will allow, but tell the truth.
Too many of us suffer in pain and silence because of perceived judgment, shame and stigma. When we speak truth by sharing our stories we normalize those things we were once ostracized and isolated by. Do you know how many times I have revealed something and heard… Are you serious, Stephanie??? Me too! Telling the truth helps you reclaim your power. It draws you to women who have yet to secure the footing it takes to stand tall and speak their truth. Truth unifies. Telling the truth says I know I am enough.
My experiences do not minimize me; they elevate me.
To be clear, social media doesn’t really make anyone hate their life. You hate your life because you hate your life. You continue to make the same choices, revisit the same places, roll around with the same individual and wonder why nothing in your life is different. I believe Einstein had words to say about that kind of behavior. He called it insanity. Einstein was correct. Imagine that. Unfortunately, you haven’t heard the wise words of the late great Einstein. So, you stay on the ferris wheel. Professing to hate every minute of it. Screaming to get off. Yet, never removing your safety belt. Never standing. Never being miserable enough to stop the revolutions.
I know the heart wrenching impact of suicide and the extreme, desperate heart and mind space one has to be in to make that choice. I also have friends who suffer from depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and perhaps other mental illnesses I know nothing about. I worry about them. I worry when they get to quiet and when they stay away too long. I wonder if my phone is gonna ring with the grief of a parent or sibling telling me they’ve chosen their own final act on the stage of life— I am sometimes terrified by the knowing… the knowing that no matter how beautiful, intelligent, witty and resourceful I find you— that if you don’t see it in yourself what I think doesn’t matter.
Women are so accustomed to taking care of others. We get taught this from a very young age in a way in which our male counterparts are not. It’s that dangblasted patriarchal society that conditions us. Girls take care of everyone. Not because it makes them happy, but because that’s what womenfolk are for. *chuckle Anyway, we really need to figure out how to carve out time and resources for the expressed purpose of bringing ourselves joy and relaxation.
When people we know, like and or love behave badly we want answers. I honestly think it’s a natural response. Inquiry and curiosity are tools we use to acquire information and keep ourselves safe. We assess situations and people and leverage a judgement based on what we know. BUT… How can we do that if we don’t know what happened and why?
Today I am writing to reach the sensibilities and cognitive capabilities of good White folks. The power to change the status quo lies primarily with you. You need to say something... At your dinner tables, at your school board meetings, at the deli counter. You know racists. Your neighbors, family and friends express racially charged sentiments that apologetically end with, “you know what I mean.” Or “I don’t mean it like that. You know I’m not racist.” You must call them out.
Today, I’m wondering what’s on the inside of people. I’m reflecting on why humans lack humanity. Oh! The irony. Why is it easier to get in the negativity, the drama of life as opposed to the celebration of it. Particularly, on social media. Why do people watch videos that amuse them, but refuse to support a friend by hitting the like button? Why do videos have 330 views and 8 likes? Hey…. Somebody help me with the math. What is the probability that 330 individuals watched a video, but only 8 people liked it? If I’m honest, which I am… this is one of the areas of social media that grinds my gears. Why is it so difficult to show love and support for people that you actually know? How can a person post positivity and receive little to no support; then post negativity and be flooded with “support”?
Funny thing happened. Not funny funny, but funny like…. Things that make you go hmmmmmm. So one of my Facebook friends makes a post about a negative experience she had with a client. The client was displeased with her purchase and blasted the business on related social media pages. ARGH! Saying it was a mess would be putting it mildly. For the sake of full disclosure; I have used this business in the past and look forward to using it in the future. All of my experiences have been AWESOME. I’m getting away from the point. What is the point? Lemme finish the story and then I’ll get to the point a couple hundred words from now. Whatever. Judge your own self.
So, after the post was made she received hundreds of comments. The comments said everything from let’s whoop this trick together… to telling the business owner the post was unprofessional and she should remove it… to the ever useful… just pray about it. *insert side eye*. Anyway, I’m amazed. Not necessarily by the content of the comments, but more by the sheer volume of them. Why? Because I have been fb friends with this person for about five years and I have NEVER witnessed her receive even a third of this level of interaction on any other post. This revelation made me angry, annoyed and well… sad. Why Stephanie?
99% of what this business owner posts is positive. She primarily posts about her business and the success of her beloved child. She posts specials, she makes inquires about expanding her business and shares the success of her business. Each of these positive posts receive a handful of likes and comments in comparison to the one negative post. Now it’s my turn. WHY??? When she posts that it’s time for her to expand; why doesn’t she get 300 likes? When she posts pictures of the literal fruits of her labor; why doesn’t she get an engaged audience who wants to discuss how amazing her work is for days? I mean…. That’s what happened on the negative post. The fb community discussed it for DAYS.
And trust… I’m sitting on no fb friend moral high horse. I have witnessed this behavior on many pages. A wife posts photos of the beautiful “just because” lilies her husband sent her. CRICKETS!!! Let that same husband black her damn eye! Here they come out of the woodwork with their regrets and prayers. What is wrong with us as a society? Why are we so drawn to negativity? Why is it so easy to scroll past the love, the joy, the success? Why the begrudging of celebration? Lean in… Did you know that you can be happy for yourself and someone else at the same time? Better yet… Did you know your life can suck like a Hoover vacuum and you can still be happy for other people? HELLO??? Happiness for yourself and happiness for others is not mutually exclusive. You can do both at the same time. In fact, you might see the joy you extend to other folks manifest in your own life… But what do I know?
The point of it all, *in my Anthony Hamilton voice*, is to let the love out. When you catch yourself scrolling past the joy to get to the drama; check yourself. I was deeply disheartened by the behavior on my fb friends page because I know she’s a wonderful person. She, like all of us, deserves to be acknowledged, celebrated, encouraged and rooted for whether its raining or if the sun is shining. All I’m saying is… Don’t wait until someone is in the middle of a storm to offer your support. Some of us might start to think you were carrying your umbrella all along.
Hey! That’s all I got. Until next time… Choose you and don’t pass up positivity; spread it. Love y'all.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences.