“Reject guilt and shame. Live in the fullness of each new day.”
Stephanie D. Pearson-Davis
Humans make poor choices. It is what its is. Humans make poor choices. And if you need someone to blame; there’s always Eve. I’m always amazed by the love affair we have with fault and blame… but I digress. We, humans, are imperfect. As such, we mess up. Sometimes, we put ourselves in situations that we later regret. The degree to which we regret previous choices can be measured by sleepless nights, failed relationships, dreams deferred, weight gain, depression and countless other negative identifiers.
In addition to being deep in the throws of disparity because our life is in shambles; we further punish ourselves with self-inflicted pain and suffering. And listen, we all know consequences are to be expected when we make poor choices. There will be some pain. Makes sense; right? After all… you are the reason your life sucks. True or not true? True. Should you not feel the results of that?
Wow Steph… is this how you're talking to folks today? Well yes… yes annnnd no.
I believe in calling a thing at thing. So, it is absolutely necessary to acknowledge our behavior and how our behavior contributed to current unfavorable circumstances. You did what you did. You need to own it. It is necessary to engage in this process to make repeat transgressions less likely. That doesn’t mean mistakes won’t be made. As sure as you draw breath you will make mistakes and errors in judgement. The idea is to make new mistakes. Live and learn.
Shame and guilt, however, are not the goal.
I will discuss shame and guilt often during our walk together. I see shame and guilt together as one dangerous pandemic… heart disease. The implications are far-reaching and catastrophic in their impact. Guilt and shame affect our worthiness… the essence of who we are as individuals. They tell us that we were complicit in what happened and in the manner in which it occurred. As such, we should be forever enslaved by the choices of our past. We don’t deserve joy. We don’t deserve peace. We don’t deserve restoration.
Of course those are all lies. Unfortunately, not enough people know this.
I know it seems silly reading on a page. I’m telling you what you already know. Still, I wonder how many people are living in the shadows of their past choices. Because knowing and doing are not the same. Who is feeling guilty and ashamed because they had premarital sex… because their child barely graduated high school and isn’t enrolled in college… you haven’t let go of the abortion you had in undergrad. You keep thinking of how old she would be.
You're carrying guilt and shame for molestation or rape. If only you hadn’t spent the night at your friends house. Momma told you not to wear those shorts out of the house. Someone is feeling ashamed because they lost their job and have to rely on their spouse or family. Someone else is feeling a deep sense of shame because they cannot get pregnant or they are, but don’t want to be.
The reasons we carry shame are varied and deep. When the father of the family I babysat for inappropriately and aggressively pursued me I kept looking for the ways in which I contributed. I had somehow communicated to him that I was interested; right? I felt guilty that his daughters were the heirs of a shitty father. I felt guilt and shame because somehow in my mind I had betrayed his wife. Had I smiled too much or worn the wrong swimsuit while swimming with their children in their pool.
My parents couldn't understand why I was so upset. "Did anything else happen, Steph?", they asked. Nothing else needed to happen. His inappropriate pursuit had damaged and distorted how I viewed myself. That, my friends, is the function of guilt and shame. It insists that temporary reflection should be a permanently revolving news cycle in your mind and heart.
Shame and guilt are tantamount to ripping the same scab off every day.
I have held onto guilt and shame about various things over the years… Until I discovered that shame and guilt are very powerful forces fueled by me. I am the source. This is a word. Who would knowingly feed the very thing that is destroying them? Unfortunately, too many of us. We don’t understand how powerful we are. We lose sight of ourselves and in the process transfer our power to things, people and ideas that do not serve us.
Well… what do you do now? I have impressed upon you that you need to own your shit and at the same time reject guilt and shame. Now what? Now? Now you forgive yourself. You just have to forgive yourself. You have to acknowledge that your current unimaginably, crappy circumstances are a result of choices you made or maybe choices someone made for you. Either way, it doesn’t matter. Forgiveness is a naturally occurring gift that lives in us all. You can give yourself as much as you need. And I encourage you to do so.
That man you chose that ain’t what the bird left on the limb(that’s my momma’s saying). He promised he’d make you a queen— instead he made you a jester for all the world to see. That man you chose promised you forever, but keeps spending right now with every Tina, Chrissy and Sarah he meets. Now, you have these kids and you cannot believe that you have to do this alone. The family you imagined will never ever be as you imagined. You had that abortion. You were young. Surely, I’ll have time for this stuff later. Only later never came and now… What do you have now?
Forgiveness.
Save your heart. Save your life by forgiving yourself for EVERY bad, misguided, misinformed decision you made that did not serve the goals you had or have for your life. You deserve to be forgiven.
I want you to know something. You… I am talking to you. Your power will always belong to you. It cannot be transferred or transformed, diluted or diminished. How you use it… whether you choose to use it at all. It is there waiting for you at your disposal. Yeah, you laid it down. NOW, PICK IT UP! It is not too late until it is. Do not spend the rest of your life— Do not spend the rest of this day imprisoned by guilt and shame. Reclaim your power. Reflect on how you arrived in your current circumstances. Own your choices. Forgive yourself for ALL the ways you betrayed yourself and then… MOVE FORWARD.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences. -Stephanie