"A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day."
-Andre Maurois
Last week, I wrote some words about marriage that really resonated with my readers. I was initially surprised by the engagement(no pun intended)… I shouldn’t have been. Marriage is a hot topic and rightfully so. Single folks wanna know what really goes on in marriages. Married folks are looking for validation and encouragement. And not the kind that just says keep God first and everything else will be alright. Marriage requires more than draping clichés over the power of God.
I love God… Can I just be real for a minute? I am tired of religious people using His word as a catchall. You just lost your job? Trust God, baby. An unplanned pregnancy? God will provide. Worried about your teenager or health or ingrown toenail? Cast your cares upon
Him. Religious people have all the words and rules, but not enough action.
Yes! Yes! Yes! I agree with most of the words but what do I do while I'm casting my cares and trusting? We can trust the word and the will of God and still take action. Bible thumpers please stay on your pew. No outrage needed here. I confess. I am no bible scholar. I believe in a God that gave me enough sense to figure some stuff out and then do things. I mean seriously? Do you guys really believe God just wants you to repeat after him and then wait for Him to put on a show? God is not a magician. Some of y’all are waiting for God to do a trick and he already put the magic in you.
I digress. I’m just saying. I don’t know everything, but I know some things.
What I Think I Know About Getting and Staying Married
Be Healthy. Even writing this I feel convicted. This is an area of struggle for me. I like good food. No. I love good food. I am an excellent cook who loves her own food as much as anybody else’s and eating makes me happy. Cardio does not make me happy. So, I don’t do it. I don’t do it enough. Fine. Ugh. I don’t do it all. Sometimes people think spouses let themselves go once they get married. While this is sometimes true it isn’t always the case. I have always loved food. My nickname as an infant was Greedy Gertie. Little has changed about that. LOL!!!
I used to spend summer days roller blading with my belly out on the lakefront and kickin at the Biology Bar or Velocity or Name Any Other Club at night. Once upon a time I was much younger and didn’t have all these kids. Life has changed. Now I have to decide between a thirty minute breather and thirty minutes exercising. I too often choose the couch. Know what goes best with the couch? Yep. Salt and Vinegar Kettle Chips. The ones in the blue bag.
Anyway, I have to do better. We all have to do better. It’s not about your weight or how you look in pictures next to other spouses. It’s about do you want to be here… living. High cholesterol, diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure and so on and so on. They are killers. Imagine your family living without you… Someone else raising your children and laying in your bed. Hmph. We owe it to our families. We owe it to ourselves. Create a plan and follow it. Your body will do whatever your minds tells it.
Find Some Business. Don’t get married thinking you can live off each others carbon dioxide. Remember all the things you loved to do before you met Snookems? You need to get back to that. Remember all the things Snookems loved to do before he met you? Yep. Don’t get in the way of that. That man has been having breakfast with his boys on the second Saturday of every month since college. In fact, when you were dating you used to go with him. Now that you two are married you just “don’t think that’s what married people should do.” Ma’am? Ma’am? Don’t do that.
My husband plays golf. I’m pretty sure it is his favorite thing to do. I truly want nothing to do with it. It’s his thing. Him and his boys get out there and hit ‘em straight for hours at a time. He wakes up early, he deals with mosquitos and rain and all sorts of foolishness to play a game I don’t understand. Why would I want take that from him? It brings him joy. Plus, when he retires he’s gonna need something else to do besides chase after my fine self all day.
It is ok to be apart and to have separate interest. I encourage it. Who wants an, “every time I’m in the kitchen you in the kitchen.”, type of marriage? It’s suffocating and a sure fire way to put out the flames in your marriage. There’s something about being missed and missing your spouse. Being married isn’t about giving up everything for the other person. It’s about integration. Add all of me to all of you. No subtractions. A very warm and wise woman at the nail shop once told me, “Don’t give up too much of the me for the we.” That part.
The Other Women In His Life. I know this is a touchy area so I’m going to speak carefully. His momma is his momma baby girl. A man who loves his mother or his grandmother??? Yessssss!!! #IssaWin That man is going to love you deep. Yes… He will look for comparisons and connections. No. You are not his mother and you never will be, BUT he has chosen you as a reflection of her. She has built the best foundation for him to love you. She literally gave him life. Why do you resent the relationship? Why don’t you like her?
Ok. Ok. I get it. Personalities and temperaments differ. Still, that’s his momma. And you can never EVER come to her as a woman about anything. That’s a word. Even if you don’t like her you come from a place of deference and respect. Because…. Who raised you??? Orrrrr you can keep your damn distance and and him and the kids to see her. Do not make it hard for that man to love his mother. If you don’t like her he will know it and that’s ok. I’m not telling you to lie. I’m saying be the best woman you can be at all times.
He has never lived without her. If you have a teaspoon of love for your own mother you know what that’s like.
His mother has seen him in ways that you will never understand. She wiped his ass, dried his tears and has encouraged him to love you even when you act like it’s killing you to speak. I wish I had a witness. I know some won’t get it. His mother is the reason he can appreciate your strengths and your weaknesses. She’s the reason he didn’t exploit your vulnerabilities. She’s the reason he gives you a break. He remembers what it was like for her to be tired.
A woman who resents the relationship between a man and his mother is operating from a place of brokeness. That anger you feel when he shares advice she provided or a joke she told… that anger is only masking hurt and disappointment brought on by the relational deficits between you and your loved ones. #ISaidWhatISaid It is a blessing to have a man who loves his mother. Understand that you cannot compete with her and you should not try.
Oh boy! Who wrote all these words? Hahaha! I love y’all. Talk to you soon.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences.