"A stay at home mom is a working mom. Being a stay at home mom is a job."
-Cobie Smulders
I love my family. I have a husband and four beautiful children. We live in a lovely home with everything except a white picket fence and a dog because cliches are so passe’. I’m kidding. I don’t have a dog and a fence because I don’t want them. What I do want is a life that makes my family happy and keeps me fulfilled. Who knew that being a stay at home mom would provide that? I certainly didn't .
It turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life. Have there been growing pains along the way? Absolutely. The operative word being “growing”. Still there are some folks who do not understand or appreciate the contributions of SAHMs. While I’m not looking for a cookie or a pat on the back; there’s some information a select variety of individuals need to know.
We, Stay At Home Moms, want the uninformed and judgmental to understand:
WE DO NOT SUFFER FROM BOREDOM
So you think we’re staring at the paint on the wall or counting the cars that drive by? I’m lounging on the couch eating Bon-Bons waiting for my precious children to return to me? Maybe people think I lay daydreaming about all of the untapped potential evaporating from my body and an imagined life that will never be. I don’t know where people get the idea that we have nothing to do or we’d rather be doing something else. I literally cannot think of the last time I was bored at home. Also, the idea that SAHM’s have “settled” or given up on their dreams. Look into my eyes: We are not being held against our will. I don’t need to qualify my life to you. Worry about your deferred dreams. #JudgeYourOwnSelf
WANT TO TALK? COME OVER AND HELP WITH THIS LAUNDRY
The telephone is a productivity killer. Because you think we don’t have shit to do except sit by the phone waiting for you to dial our line— you get upset when we don’t answer or quickly return a text. Yes, there are technological advances whereby I can place a device in my ear and continue working while we talk. Here’s the thing— When I engage in a telephone call it’s like there’s a magnet attached to my ass and every chair I walk pass pulls me to it. I cannot talk to you all day. I do not walk around with my phone in my hand waiting to receive a text from you so I can return it. Leave me alone and go do your work at work. I still love you though.
WE DO HAVE A “REAL” JOB
Listen Linda. Listen. I am not perpetually available. In fact, I am rarely available. The reason I stay at home in the first place is to manage all these kids and the life me and him created. So, I cannot go to lunch every other day. Oh... you work from home too. It’s not the same. I don’t care. I don’t care. It’s not the same. There are expectations of me on my job just like yours. When a teacher emails me about one of my children; they can expect a near immediate response. When I get a call from the nurse about a sick child; I am no more than 14 minutes from the farthest school. They know I am on my way. When you ignore that or continuously ask me to do things that will impede my ability to do my job-- It indicates a lack of respect. While I would love to just go lunching or shopping or lunching and shopping every day all day; I can’t because I really truly have shit to do.
WE EXCEL IN MULTIPLE AREAS OF INTELLIGENCE
When people find out I have a Masters degree they are always shocked. And just so everybody understands: I am not an educational elitist. The degree gives me credibility, but I know plenty of intellectually stunted folks with degrees. My point… as a stay at home mom I manage the individual and collective lives of multiple people of different interests, intellectual levels, culinary tastes, varying ages, personalities and emotional needs. Plus, the ends and outs of maintaining our house so it can be a home. I’m not saying it’s brain surgery. There’s no comparison. The complexities of SAHMing are endless. We are intelligent. We are thoughtful. We are resourceful. We are multidimensional, kick ass women and we don’t need a suit and a corporate title to prove it.
I’M NOT YOUR SUPERWOMAN
There are mommas who do it all. You can see what I wrote about Martyr Moms on the January 4th post. Two things about the moms who say they do it all. They’re either miserable or lying. I don’t do it all and I don't want to do it all. Where would that leave me? Two of the most influential folks in my husbands life gave him great advice. His grandmother, Margie Thomas said: “Boy, don’t you run that girl into the ground.” His mentor and dear friend, James O’Connell said, “It is not enough for you to work and come home. Your role as a father is more than bringing home a check.” So, my husband washes dishes, makes early orchestra rehearsal drop offs, gives baths and completes other necessary tasks. I am grateful for a spouse who doesn’t subscribe to traditional gender roles. He helps me do what needs to be done.
Being a SAHM is the most challenging, demanding, joyous, validating and rewarding job I’ve ever had. It isn’t for everybody, but it is for me and countless other mommas. Be thoughtful about the way you engage and interact with us so we aren’t forced to cuss your disrespectful ass out. I kid. I kid. Nawl... I’m not kidding. We take our work seriously. We shouldn’t feel compelled to help you understand our choices and/or the complexities of what we do on a day to day basis because we don’t fit into the box you built for us. I will not be contained. We are free. Freedom looks like me doing work that I love, alongside a man I adore, for people he and I created.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences. -Stephanie