The holiday season is fully upon us. There’s less than one week before Christmas and I am super excited. Christmas is a family favorite. Obviously, the children love it because… GIFTS. I’ve tried to provide the giving is better than receiving narrative and they think that’s great and all, but they’re children. So yeah… YAY GIFTS!!! Hahaha!
I grew up in a house where Christmas was a big deal. I mean, multiple Christmas trees, decorations everywhere, gifts galore and the joy of the season in abundance. My mother orchestrated the production of Christmas and injected it into everyone around her. So, it still stands. The tradition is firmly planted.
Imma be honest though. Christmas stresses me out. We have four children. That’s a lot of seasonal “joy” to spread around. And it’s not even all the money. Trust— there’s a lot of it being spent. It’s the doing of it all. And I’m conflicted; right? Because I love the outcome of the doing. I even actually love the act of doing, but it is also wearing me out.
She’s growing and maturing. My selfish girl who is usually, always only thinking of her 13 year old self is thinking of us all. She knows having the elves brings joy to our entire family. She understand that I’m really trying and I want this experience for them, even if it is coming late. She knows her momma is working extra hard to develop a legacy that will help children for generations. She knows I’m burning the candle at both ends. She knows that I have more on my plate than I can handle. She knows that some things will go undone as a result.
Usually the things that go undone are laundry and home cooked meals, but right now the elves seem to be the thing I couldn’t maintain. Somehow, she understands the significance of the elves to our family; even if she doesn’t quite understand what it means to me to have her help me in this way.
As moms, we sometimes beat ourselves up for being distracted and disconnected. We question our impact and influence as mothers when our children are rude, selfish or inconsiderate. We beat ourselves up for not being enough for our children… for not doing enough or giving them enough. This whole situation reminded me that I am enough at all times— even when I am distracted, disconnected and forgetful.
Today, I am so aware of people who are in a state of missing. I’m thinking of people who are dealing with disappointment, loss and grief.
To be clear, there are many types of loss and grief with varying degrees, swinging like a wrecking ball on a pendulum.
And death isn’t the only pathway to grief. Grief can come from an anticipated loss. When you know that while you still presently have something, you will lose it imminently.
Consider folks who are in the process of divorce, a friendship that is on the rocks, abortion, layoffs, illness that causes loss of body function or lifestyle. Someone just found out their baby no longer has a heartbeat. Someone else has a home in foreclosure or found out their parent has 4 weeks to live. In the last month, I have heard of at least four different missing women.
See, food and cooking is how I say, “I love you.” It’s how I say, “I’m glad you’re here.” Honestly, it’s one of the reasons I have such difficulty managing the goals for my health and fitness, but I digress. We can chat about that another day.
Off I went to the store the day before the party.
On my way to the store I decided the menu would include baked ziti and a tossed salad with yummy add-ins like gorgonzola cheese, green apples, craisins and such. I grabbed ground and linked Italian sausage. I quickly remembered several of my guests don’t eat pork. No worries! I’ll just grab some ground beef and more ingredients. Now, I have to make two sauces, but I got this. I headed to check out.
Oh crap!!! One of my guests can longer eat tomato anything. Side note: I grew up in a house that was always entertaining. My parents taught me that you make people feel welcomed by considering them in your choices. In other words, make sure there’s something for everyone. I decided to grab some chicken breasts and veggies to make chicken alfredo pasta too. I finished shopping. I had about 20lbs of meat, a full cart and a fully overwhelmed heart.
Social media in theory is an amazing tool for enhancing relationships. Too many of us are using it as the canvas for our relationships when it should only be one of the brushes we use to paint. It’s one way to manage relationships; not the only way. It’s supposed to bring us together, but the truth is that it does the exact opposite. It gives a false sense of unity because you can see what’s going on in the lives of others even when you’re not an active participant. Some of our friends are at the end of their proverbial rope and we don’t know because we’re using Facebook pictures and posts to determine their mental and emotional well being. You think you know what’s going on, but you really have no idea.
Smiling faces tell lies.
For me, it’s the difference between shopping online and walking into the store. From the comfort of your device you can see the color, size and fabric. That is good information. But… You cannot feel the weight of the material, the vibrance of the color or how it fits on your body.
Date who you want when you want. Put yourself in a situation where you have choices. Men always have choices. That’s why he’s texting what are you doing instead of CALLING to ask your availability. TRUST… someone is getting a call— It’s just not you.
Wanna know something else? I don’t care what he tells you. New Year’s Eve is one of the best relationship barometers. He is not just chillin at the crib on Christmas or New Year’s Eve. His insistence that he just isn’t a big fan of holidays is a lie. New Year’s Eve is the climax of “Do we go together or not” season. If you and your significant other are not together on any of these holidays, but especially New Year’s Eve... one of you isn't significant. *blank stare* If the person you're "dating" hasn't asked you out yet— he has another date and again... One of you isn't significant.
I’m a sunshine girl. The sun makes me feel invigorated. It makes anything that I am doing so much better. It’s funny because as much as I love the actual sun; I am a huge proponent of carrying your sunshine on the inside. I determine my mood; not the weather. I am the thermostat.
Still, I’m not feeling it today. Which proves the journey of positive thinking and practice is ongoing.
Reflection helps me to be more intentionally empathetic. As an individual who isn’t living with anxiety, depression or grief, but who still feels”UGH!” During repeated overcast days; how do folks who regularly live with these negative emotions feel?
It is our job to combat misogyny, toxic masculinity, predatory behavior and rape culture by educating and empowering children. Talk to them about predatory behavior and grooming. Tell them, age appropriately, what these creeps say and do… Wait. Obviously, parental discretion should be used, but nothing predators do or say is age appropriate.
Tell your children the truth.
Tell your them what predators say and how they manipulate.
And for God’s sake stop insisting your kids hug and kiss everybody. What if I told you— YOU are grooming your own child for predators. You are the biggest obstacle to your child’s understanding that permission to touch their body can only be given by them.
Guest Rule— Do not call when you are two houses down to ask if the host needs anything… unless you live in an urban metropolitan area where there might actually be a corner store. Us suburbanites do not have corner stores, but you already knew that. Don’t be disingenuous. Calling from the driveway talking about, “What can I bring?”. That said, do not come empty handed. Even if they don’t need anything— bring something. Flowers, wine, fruit punch… something. Unless you have previously discussed an extenuating circumstance with the host… your presence is not enough. With love, Stephanie
I thought I had somehow been cheated. I’m supposed to be in charge of everybody for the purpose of making life perfect. My thinking was unreasonable, unattainable and unfair to everyone, especially me. If you say you want to be happy, but can’t seem get happy and stay in that space; it’s probably because you are pursuing something other than happiness. For me, it was the ideals of marriage and motherhood; not the reality. I, with all my intellectual prowess, managed to confuse perfection with happiness. Too many make the same mistake.
I cannot imagine the turmoil, the pain, the absolute heartbreak of her absence in my life. As Mother’s Day approaches many will be faced with the reality of more than “almost”. They will wake up every single day with their beloved mothers still in heaven. While the Christian thing to do is to rejoice knowing that she is with her heavenly father… the heart of a motherless child can hardly find peace; let alone rejoice.
I was enjoying music as I often do when it struck me that I hadn’t listened to Ed Sheeran in a while. So I went to his album and chose one of my favorite songs on it. Supermarket Flowers. My dad, also a music lover, was the one who introduced me to this song. I immediately loved it. Yes it’s melancholy, but it’s beautiful. Music is about more than a beat. So I’m always here for whatever it makes me feel. I just didn’t expect to feel it in the McDonald’s drive-thru.
I experienced my first really great loss in many years this summer. Did I just quantify death? Yes. Yes I did. If we’re honest there are levels to everything… even the feelings we have for people in death. Anyway, she was an amazing woman. An elder, a mentor and also my friend. My dear friend. So I’m listening to this song and then I feel that thing in my throat and the sting in my eye right after I ordered hotcakes for Blake. “Are you gonna cry, Stephanie? Yes, and there’s nothing I can do about it.” File that exchange under conversations with myself. Lyrically, the song is just… Whew!
“A heart that’s broke is a heart thats been loved”
“And I know that when God took you back he said Hallelujah. You’re home.”
— Super Market Flowers Ed Sheeran
My God!!! We’re lucky I didn’t have to call my husband to come get me from that drive-thru. There’s so much to unpack in the first lyric. We have to pay a price; don’t we? If we love wholly and are loved wholly when that love ends it’s gonna hurt. And it’s gonna hurt badly. Knowing what I know about that hard truth I’m still gonna love hard as I can. Because those 12 years we had together… even just the last 3 or 4… they were worth every single time I’ve picked up the phone forgetting she wouldn’t be there on the other end… worth every tear I was able to swallow back and worth every one that leapt from my eyelid and ran down my cheek. Love is always worth it. Even with its’ sometimes shitty expiration date.
As we lumber towards the most joyous time of the year. We must be aware that what brings joy to others may usher in a very real pain for others. I try to be mindful of this every year, but especially this year when I am missing my friend. When her loving husband, children, grandchildren and other friends are thinking about what this new normal is going to be like. I cannot count the number of people I have seen grieving great losses this year. It lead me to think… what can I do to help? What can we do to help?
Checking in on friends who are grieving is a great way to let them know they are not alone. After all, loneliness, the feeling that no one understands is a large part of grief. And it’s true. We don’t understand and we shouldn’t assert such. The loss of my grandmother is not the same as the loss of yours. It is disrespectful to claim understanding. Instead, ask: What can I do? Would you like some company? Do you have plans for the holiday? Do you wanna hang with me? Also, this isn't about you. Realize that you could offer yourself up as a soft place to land and your offer may get declined. Respect that.
All sorts of emotions get stirred up during the holiday season. Be there for who you can when you can. And in the middle of it all remember to live the life you’ve been given as completely as possible. For me, that’s how we truly honor those who have gone on before us. And listen, love is a verb. Love those you say you love. When it’s over it’s over. As for my friend, I know when God took her back He said, Hallelujah. I know she’s home— and that…. that brings me joy. Give love. Be loved. Live this life fully. Choose you. Until next time…. Merry Christmas. Love y’all.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences.
