As I began to reflect; expectation boiled down to two things: Vulnerability and Trust.
We have previously discussed vulnerability. I have written about its’ importance and the strength we find when we embrace vulnerability. Yet, here I was beating myself up for being vulnerable… for opening myself up to disappointment. This is why I say, “I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences.”I’m no master at this. I’m struggling and growing and learning just like you. I stand out only because I share my experiences; not because I’ve mastered them.
I decided that in 2019, I would spend more time focusing on my writing and my blog. See, that's one of the things I have been doing as the year is quickly coming to a close. (Yes bih, I said coming to a close. Can you believe it's already November? Macy's already has their Christmas display up? I'm already planning my Thanksgiving menu? WTF??) Planning what is important to me and what I want to accomplish in the new year.
But why? Why am I planning for 2019 when I have an entire 2 months left of 2018? 60 days to get closer to my wants, goals and desires? 1460 hours to make shit happen! 87,600 minutes to get it poppin'! LET'S GO! *Diddy voice* Ok, I got a little too excited, but you get the picture.
Revealing my struggles felt like weakness. Until recently, I prided myself on being the strong one. So, I refused to disclose the fullness of my pain. But people love me. Without fail, they all wanted to comfort me. They all wanted to fill in the places I could not. A few wanted to know everything. Others wanted to get by with as little information as possible. And I get it. I think people understand the complexities of choosing to have a hysterectomy.
After all, 40 it is relatively young to remove reproductive organs. In this day and age many women, at 40, are just embarking on their first pregnancy. Women are choosing to a party, travel and pursue their careers as priorities over marriage and children. I, of course, think this is wonderful. It means that more women are choosing to invest in the desires of their own hearts rather than the desires of their circle of influence or the insistence of the world that marriage and motherhood define womanhood.
Women, we need to share our stories. Your friend is smiling every day and is devastated by things she thinks she can’t discuss with you. She’s struggling with something you can’t see. Your daughter thinks she needs to suck it up because you did. Tell her the truth… your truth. Admit you wish you didn’t have to suck it up. Tell your daughter about the mistakes of your youth. Be as specific or as vague as your comfort level will allow, but tell the truth.
Too many of us suffer in pain and silence because of perceived judgment, shame and stigma. When we speak truth by sharing our stories we normalize those things we were once ostracized and isolated by. Do you know how many times I have revealed something and heard… Are you serious, Stephanie??? Me too! Telling the truth helps you reclaim your power. It draws you to women who have yet to secure the footing it takes to stand tall and speak their truth. Truth unifies. Telling the truth says I know I am enough.
My experiences do not minimize me; they elevate me.
We need to re-contextualize strength. Like, what does it even mean to be “the strong one”?
Because it is NOT the absence of fear or pain or desire or disappointment. I believe that we have, in error, taken a patriarchal view of strength and applied it to our emotional sensibilities in an effort to make us appear less weak. They told us that strength and weakness cannot dwell in the same space. Men, for too long, set the expectation for tolerable behavior for women. Women are killing themselves to meet it. And women are cosigning this behavior. It must stop.
I am trying to negotiate an understanding of literal strength, figurative strength and the reality of my actual strength. What does it look like? What does it feel like? How have I previously misunderstood and in turn misrepresented strength. I am currently being forced to confront these feelings of wanting to be strong, solvent and also having to embrace that pieces of me breaking.
It is irresponsible to do all the housework in a home full of able bodied individuals. Put your mini-me’s to work. They need to understand what it takes for everything in the house to GO! I don’t know about y’all, but there isn’t a magic fairy that puts away groceries and washes dishes at my house. So... my children do it🤷🏽♀️😂.
I love my lil babies. There are few things that bring me greater joy than their happiness, but their happiness cannot come at the expense of me. The happiness of your children is not more important that you. So, while we work hard to provide them with a particular lifestyle; they need to understand that it is their shared responsibility to help maintain it… all of it.
I will discuss shame and guilt often during our walk together. I see shame and guilt together as one dangerous pandemic… heart disease. The implications are far-reaching and catastrophic in their impact. Guilt and shame affect our worthiness… the essence of who we are as individuals. They tell us that we were complicit in what happened and in the manner in which it occurred. As such, we should be forever enslaved by the choices of our past. We don’t deserve joy. We don’t deserve peace. We don’t deserve restoration.
Of course those are all lies. Unfortunately, not enough people know this.
Anytime you have the desire to lie you need to stop and reflect. Fear is the only reason we lie. We keep secrets because we don’t want to feel the judgement of others. While no one may ever know the truth; you will always feel the shame.
I was pretty rough and tumble as a child. I played with my brother and his friends all the time and wore my tomboy title like a badge of honor. I even earned a few bumps and bruises along the way. So, the scab didn’t concern me at all. I'm not a free range parent, but I'm also miles away from helicopter parenting. I mostly let children being children. They run, they play, they fall. The end.
My boy was up in his Nana's lap when she noticed the atrocity on his knee."What happened to my baby’s knee!?!” If your children have a Nana like my children; you know she acted like the boy had staples in his knee. She was appalled. So, I quickly told her what happened according to his father who was his caretaker at the time in question *snicker. At the end of my explanation, I gratuitously added, “And he didn’t even cry.” *insert my proud face
Someone is having a difficult time in their marriage right now. You are feeling angry, sad and resentful. You’re wondering if you made a mistake. Especially if you’re a newlywed. You’re sitting in your car or half working at your job trying to figure out how you arrived in your present space. Contemplating if it’s even worth the effort. You’re more like roommates than husband and wife maybe worse because you barely even speak to each other. The “D” word keeps coming up and you wonder if one day you’re gonna come home to find your mate has given up first.
Right now your heart is breaking more and more with thoughts regarding your expectations for your marriage and the reality of your marriage. When you were dating, your spouse was the best thing since sliced bread. Now he's just moldy yeast because even the best bread doesn’t stay fresh forever.
Guest Rule— Do not call when you are two houses down to ask if the host needs anything… unless you live in an urban metropolitan area where there might actually be a corner store. Us suburbanites do not have corner stores, but you already knew that. Don’t be disingenuous. Calling from the driveway talking about, “What can I bring?”. That said, do not come empty handed. Even if they don’t need anything— bring something. Flowers, wine, fruit punch… something. Unless you have previously discussed an extenuating circumstance with the host… your presence is not enough. With love, Stephanie
Folks don’t like vulnerability because it evokes fear. Personally, I believe fear gets a bad rap. Fear isn’t necessarily bad. I find it to be negative only if it keeps you from the thing on the other side of it. Fear is really just your subconscious telling you to pay attention. Instead of using it as an alert mechanism; we use it as an interrupter of action. It stops us cold.
This is why I wouldn’t make new friends. Eventually, I changed my ideology surrounding friendship and activated courage. I may still get hurt, but I won’t let fear steal the joy of having amazing people around me just because they haven’t been around for a certain number of years. Some of the folks I met in the last few years have been more impactful than people I’ve known half my life.
I’ve said it many times and I’ll say it again today. You are your only competition. The moment you start competing with other people; you've already lost. The only person I want to be better than is the woman I was yesterday. And listen, I think the woman I was yesterday is pretty dope, but I know on this journey there’s always room for growth. I cannot compare the today me against the today you because it is impossible to do and it just doesn’t make sense.
In scientific terms, when doing an experiment, to see the similarities and differences in something you would have to watch those things exclusively from start to finish; recording everything. You would need to know all variables or things effecting the subjects of the experiment. And therein lies the problem with social media. You can not see all the variables in the life of someone else.
Having a calendar for children teaches them responsibility and time management. If you get off the bus at 4 o'clock and dance begins at 5 o'clock, you know you have less than one hour to get a snack and start your homework or decompress. If it's time to go and they didn't get a snack that’s on them. They will quickly learn how to consider the calendar and their available time.
Isn’t this what often happens between women? Particularly in the workplace. Men pulling strings that shouldn’t exist. As we often say…. It is what it is. I guess I can get with Angela deciding, initially not to work with Nuri. *slight eye roll. The truth is— Angela hit her #ChooseYou dougie on Nuri and I didn’t like it. Her behavior indicated that she was the most beautiful, powerful, worthy person she knows. We MUST fight the urge to begrudge women this right because it does not fall in line with what we believe we deserve. There is enough of everything we desire for all of us. You might just have to wait your turn.
I think mother-son relationships are often framed this way. It is said that mother’s raise our daughters and love our sons. It’s true; right? At least I think it is. We want our daughters to be strong and fortified… we want them to be able to handle themselves to not be taken advantage of… So we spend our time riding their backs, making sure they will be ok in this world. Our sons though??? "Oh, that’s mommas baby. Boys will be boys. What else does he want to eat? Don’t worry about those dishes. He’s tired. Your sister will get those." We have to stop this. I truly believe this is part of the reason so many strong willed women have difficulty finding life partners.
I am in my feelings today. In my feelings: An indirect acknowledgement of sadness, regret or some other negative emotion... Usually inexplicable. It's in the same nonsensical family as when you're feeling "some type of way". Other people have no idea what you're talking about when you use these phrases, but you do... even if you can't explain it. That is me right now-- Simultaneously in my feelings and feeling some type of way. I want to understand this space I'm in badly so I can fix it. Is this hormones? Menopause, maybe?
As usual, the problem occurs when we don’t communicate our feelings. Instead, we go dark. You cannot articulate your feelings and you won’t try because you think it actually sounds kinda petty. We don’t make calls and we don’t take them. Too busy either feeling sorry for ourselves or refusing to give people who love us the benefit of the doubt. Although…. If you’re feeling some time of way the onus is on you to communicate those feelings.
Perfection lacks flexibility. It forces us to BE without movement or allowances. What happens when you stretch a rubber band that has no elasticity? It breaks... And so will you. Perfection is also an animal birthed from the expectations of others. Which is a major reason that it is unattainable.
