"If you want more to eat; stay longer.
-Stephanie
Ok. I realize bbq season is behind us, but once I got started I really couldn’t stop myself. Plus, if you’re like me and consistently entertain; you can use this list universally. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Kwanzaa and Hannukah are around the corner. To make the list more comprehensive I’m going to include guest and host rules because some of these hosts need a little direction too. Now now….You know I don’t do guilt or shame, but the truth and humor? Well, I can do that all day. So laugh with me, share it at the next gathering and come up with your own rules.
Guest Rule— Do not call when you are two houses down to ask if the host needs anything… unless you live in an urban metropolitan area where there might actually be a corner store. Us suburbanites do not have corner stores, but you already knew that. Don’t be disingenuous. Calling from the driveway talking about, “What can I bring?”. That said, do not come empty handed. Even if they don’t need anything— bring something. Flowers, wine, fruit punch… something. Unless you have previously discussed an extenuating circumstance with the host… your presence is not enough. With love, Stephanie
Host Rule— If the party has an outdoor component— Do not ask people to remove their shoes. You’re causing a traffic jam at the door, letting all the bugs inside. Because of what, cleanliness? No. When you have a party you have to recalibrate your “eff it” level. Asking guests to remove their shoes for a bbq is ridiculous. To some degree I understand if you’re worried about what’s on the shoes of your guests. Plan to wash the floors and everything else in your house the next day. Simple.
Guest Rule— I don’t care how long or how intimately you think you know the host. Don't do too much. You are a guest. #NeverForget
Host Rule— Do not let one person hem you up in another room. As it is, you’ve been trying to get them to go to lunch with you for weeks. If your friend, cousin or auntie needs a private conference, make them schedule it. This is a huge pet peeve of mine… folks who try to dominate the host. There’s a house full of people who came to be with you. Don’t let one selfish person take all your time. They never pull you in the dining room to tell you anything good. It’s always drama. It’s a party, remember? Move around.
Guest Rule— If the host doesn’t get upset about something happening in the home you might as well cool your jets. Stop trying to control the environment in a space that does not belong to you. What you allow in your home might not be the same. Some instances might require a side bar with the host. Other times, you need to collect your belongings and bounce. It’s not your party. It’s not your house. Relax yourself or… Bye.
Host Rule-- If you ask someone to bring something, don't ask what you owe them if you don't want to pay them. I did this recently and got my feelings hurt. It doesn't matter what you would do or have done for them in the past. Don't be disingenuous. I knew better, but didn't do better and got what I deserved-- A bill. LOL!
Guest Rule— If you go in my cabinets, grill or refrigerator orrrr wash your hands in my kitchen sink and you’re not #Squad— I’m putting your ass out… with or without your shoes. When did this become a thing? I was having a bbq once and everyone was drinking out of red cups. The dj was doing his thing. It was fabulous… Until I heard the crash of glass on the dance floor. Where the BLANK did she get a wine glass from??? My cabinet. It’s clearly time for you to go home. In fact, it was time 15 minutes ago when you went in my damn cabinet.
Host Rule— Make sure there is enough food for the folks you invited. You are not Jesus. You cannot feed 50 people with two fish and five loaves of bread. Serving people with teaspoons to make to the food stretch. Hahahahaha! I love a good party, but it can be a lot of work and money. At my last gathering I asked everyone to bring something specific. It was wonderful. It cut down some of my work and cost. Side note: Make sure the people you ask to bring something can actually cook.
Guest Rule— Do not bring your funny actin ass girlfriend or boyfriend or friend who’s gonna sit in the other room on the couch all day. Why did they come? Disclose dynamics before you bring a guest with you. Let your lil friend know your family doesn’t play that mess. Introverts too! You can offer a greeting, introduce yourself and sit in the same general area as everyone else. You learned how to do that in kindergarten. Some of you folks aren’t introverts; you’re just rude. #ISaidWhatISaid
Host Rule— Tell your auntie to stop cleaning up around your guests. They full and they have started drinking. The party is just beginning, Auntie Pam. You don’t need to help before you leave… Just go lady. Seriously, no disrespect to the elders ever, but my goodness. Ma’am, I was still eating. I turned my back for two seconds and now my plate is missing. Unless you want to kill the party; leave folks alone.
Guest Rule— If you can’t cook or you don’t know how to cook for large groups(there is a difference) just bring the drinks or paper products. You can never have enough paper towels, tissue, paper plates or disposable cutlery. And please do not try a new recipe on someone else’s guests. Save the new chili mac gumbo surprise recipe you found in Women’s Day magazine for your next shindig. Please and thank you.
Host Rule— Sometimes, your regular everyday friends act funny and stand off-ish to new guests. Get your friends together in that area. Everyone you invited should be treated with love and respect while they are in attendance. Cool out with all the inside jokes and awkward silences. Everybody was new at one time. If your regular everyday friends cannot comply; you should only invite them to private playdates with you.
Guest Rule— Eat and drink as much as you like while enjoying the party. When you leave do not start packing up food. Do not ask if I have any foil. The people who bring the least always do this the most. If the host does not offer you a to-go container; do not ask for one. Especially if the party is in full swing. If you want more to eat; stay longer. The end.
I am not really a rule person, but I totally have more of them for guests and hosts. LOL! This is enough for you to start with though. I grew up with parents who regularly entertained and as long as I’ve had my own place; I have regularly entertained. So, I have real experiences that will help you as a guest and a host. You’re welcome my friends. Happy partying!!!
I'm not here because I'm an expert. I'm here because I have experiences. -Stephanie