“The power to teach and transform lives lies in transparency.”
Stephanie D. Pearson-Davis
My 40th year is really really something. People told me your forties are a revelation. That’s an accurate assessment. I have continued to evolve and grow in many ways at varying degrees. The hypocrisy in my beliefs and actions have been revealed to me so clearly. Even recently, I was challenged when I recognized my words didn’t match my actions. Personal reflection is key. I was actively rejecting vulnerability… knowing I needed help and also not wanting to accept help.
Thank God for growth.
It has been one week since I underwent a total hysterectomy. I have been very transparent about having this procedure. Some people I encounter don't know what emotion to project when they find out. Just about everyone was caught off guard. I have never fully discussed my reproductive health history. Even for people who know me well; a hysterectomy seemed very out of the blue— Not for me.
Revealing my struggles felt like weakness. Until recently, I prided myself on being one of the strong ones. So, I refused to disclose the fullness of my pain. But people love me. Without fail, they all wanted to comfort me. They all wanted to fill in the places I could not. A few wanted to know everything. Others wanted to get by with as little information as possible. And I get it. I think people understand the complexities of choosing to have a hysterectomy.
After all, 40 it is relatively young to remove reproductive organs. In this day and age many women, at 40, are just embarking on their first pregnancy. Women are choosing to a party, travel and pursue their careers as priorities over marriage and children. I, of course, think this is wonderful. It means that more women are choosing to invest in the desires of their own hearts rather than the desires of their circle of influence or the insistence of the world that marriage and motherhood define womanhood.
So, is a hysterectomy a time for celebration or sympathy? It truly depends on the woman and her circumstances. So, resist the immediate urge to either feel sad for or high five someone who is having or has had a hysterectomy. Some folks view it superficially and want to celebrate the fact that menstrual cycles are a thing of the past. It is so much more complicated than the inconvenience of cramps and buying pads with or without wings.
For me, a hysterectomy was liberating. In a few short weeks I will no longer live in anticipation of pain. I won’t have to use birth control pills or plan vacations around my period. Annnnnd I will be pain free. Did I say that already??? I am ready for this brand new world.
Still, removing my uterus also marks the end of something beautiful and sweet and precious.
My reproductive system almost always caused trouble in my body. As a teenager I went THROUGH it! My first surgery to remove an ovarian cyst was in 2000. I was 22 years old. Since that time if I wasn't post surgery, pregnant or postpartum— I was living in pain.
Here’s the thing about chronic pain… On a scale of 1-10; it isn’t always a ten. In fact, it was rarely over a 6. Instead, it hovered around a 3 CONSTANTLY. I think I would have preferred an 8 every once in awhile to a 3 every single minute of every day. It is exhausting. It was exhausting. While I am having post operative pain; I no longer have the pain that lived with me for most of my life.
It truly is fascinating to feel the absence of pain.
Leading up to my surgery I was a mess. I wasn't even getting out of bed to see my children off to school most days. My babies were making it work! I wasn't cleaning or cooking. My energy level was in the tank. I managed to keep my baby boy from killing himself everyday though. That was all I had. My goal everyday was just to keep folks alive. I saw my surgery date as the finish line. I was looking forward to it. I was feeling defeated by my circumstances… by not doing my job for my family. My husband would console me daily saying, “We’re almost there, Baby.” If I could just make it to that day everything would be alright.
I had complete trust in my physician, Dr. Perpetua Goodall. The University of Chicago Medical Center and Hospital are blessed to have her light shine within their walls. She is easily one of the most kind, compassionate, consistent and knowledgeable humans I know. I knew she would see me through the procedure. Any fear… yes there was fear… was superseded by my confidence in her ability and my desire to live a pain-free life.
Still… my reproductive organs have helped me bring forth life. The best times of my life include all of my pregnancies. I loved being pregnant. Also, not for nothing, I create powerful, kind, world impacting children. A doctor once said motherhood would be unlikely for me. My lady parts said… Hold my Moscato. There’s a song that says, “When Jesus says yes nobody can say no.” Nobody… No body.
I would be lying if I said there wasn't a twinge of sadness in the midst of it all.
I am having to compartmentalize my emotions. My sadness, as small as it is, is present and needs to be honored so I can heal it. After Blake was born the thought of becoming pregnant terrified me. I did not want anymore children. My husband and I felt very strongly that our family was complete. Still, the reality of not being able to have more children feels like a loss. So, there is grief. I am grieving.
I am in an interesting place y'all. Seriously.
I made the right choice for me. I feel powerful… and free and worthy. I chose myself in the most quantifiable way. My decision to have a hysterectomy was a declaration… I am the single most important thing in my life. Then, my family and my friends stood in agreement with me. To all of you loving me through this: You will never know what it means to have you stand in solidarity with me at this time, for this reason. Particularly because in the past I faced so much of it alone. Being alone is overrated. Thank you for being who you say you are.
I have learned so much about myself and other people on this journey. Some folks think this is a private endeavor and it is, but because the power to teach and transform lives lies in transparency I will continue to tell my story.
I have received several messages thanking me for using my voice, for speaking about this common ground, for shining a light. For some, a hysterectomy is an easy choice to make… for others it’s an emotionally gut wrenching necessary decision. I am grateful for women who shared their stories with me. You hushed my fears and ushered in my courage. I honor you.
So many women have been where I am and there will be many who come after me on this same path. I am trying to sweep away the guilt, the disappointment, the shame… the feelings of inadequacy so you don’t have to trip over the same shit as those who came before you.
I will continue to speak my truth to heal and empower those who have lost their voice and for those who have yet to find it. Love y’all.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences. -Stephanie