“Vulnerability is an asset for all people; not an inferred birthright reserved to exploit perceived weakness in women.”
-Stephanie D. Pearson-Davis
Blake, my baby boy, fell and scraped his knee last week. Of course, he was in the company of his father when this occurred. Not that it matters. I just thought you’d like to know *snicker. Anyway, he fell and was rewarded with a worthy scab… his first.
I was pretty rough and tumble as a child. I played with my brother and his friends all the time and wore my tomboy title like a badge of honor. I even earned a few bumps and bruises along the way. So, the fall and corresponding scab didn’t concern me at all. I'm not a free range parent, but I'm also miles away from helicopter parenting. I mostly let children being children. They run. They play. They fall. The end.
My boy was up in his Nana's lap when she noticed the atrocity on his knee."What happened to my baby’s knee!?!” If your children have a Nana like my children; you know she acted like the boy had staples in his knee. She was appalled. So, I quickly told her what happened according to his father who was his caretaker at the time in question *snicker. At the end of my explanation, I gratuitously added, “And he didn’t even cry.” *insert my proud face
And he didn’t even cry.
I have been replaying those five words in my head for almost a week. Why was that important? Now, those words sound like nails on a chalkboard… someone popping gum… teeth on a fork. I was proud of my boy for sucking it up and I wanted my mom to be proud of him for that too. Why would I have shared that he didn’t cry except that I was looking for affirmation that I was raising a “big boy”.
But wait… this isn’t who I am. I remember being incensed by a viral video where a parent was praising their little boy for not crying during immunizations. I was all… WTF! Why is it unacceptable for a child to cry during immunizations? I cried until I was at least 16 #JudgeYourOwnSelf. Why are they telling him to be a big boy? What does being big have to do with pain? It’s all subjective. What does gender have to do with pain? It’s all subjective. Quiet as kept I have a higher pain threshold than many men; as do most women… Childbirth anybody??? Exactly. So, I don’t even know what all this “big boy” stuff is about.
I once listened to a radio personality talk about not being able to grieve the loss of his mother as a child. When he began to cry after hearing the news; the adults essentially told him to take it like a man. They told him to dry up. Men don’t cry; they have to be strong for the women. Even if they were right by saying men don’t cry(they weren’t)… He wasn’t a man. He was 10.
He was a 10 year old boy with a dead mother. When you’re 10 your mom isn’t supposed to be dead.
He admitted to remaining emotionally stunted and unavailable over the years as a direct result. Years of his life as a lover and as an individual capable of emotional intelligence vanished. Because grown folks thought it inappropriate, immature and probably “gay” for a boy to be emotionally wrecked by the loss of the woman who gave him life. Not for nothing— They only did this to him because it had been done to them.
SMH. It’s just so sad. What are we doing here folks? That isn’t rhetorical. That’s me imploring you to reflect on how we’re raising our boys. Why are boys expected to take it like men?
I believe that men should be emotional. Vulnerability is an asset for all people; not an inferred birthright reserved to exploit perceived weakness in women. I’m always asking my husband if he’s ok or if he needs to talk. I remind him that we can discuss his fears and there’s no loss of dignity in that space. I want my husband to fall into my arms… to tell me the ways in which his heart is broken… to weep if he feels compelled to weep.
And yet…
I was proud of my TWO YEAR OLD from refraining from acknowledging the pain and fear that come with scraping his knee?
I know this is wrong. I know this is not the parent I want to be. So what am I? Am I an animal set on prehistoric parenting? No. It’s worse. I’m a hypocrite. No. No, thank you. I don’t receive that either. I am… I am a work in progress. I behaved in a way that is in direct contradiction to what I believe. I acknowledged and reflected on this behavior. Moving forward I will continue to be more conscious about being the person I say I am.
These seemingly innocuous, archaic and incorrect ways of identifying what makes a man a man is a breeding ground for misogyny, homophobia and toxic masculinity. I just… I don’t want to contribute to that. We want our men to share their feelings and emote, but we quickly shut down any emotional expression from our boys that doesn’t include anger.
I guess I kept thinking about this because I’m disappointed in myself. It’s important to me to share these moments of me slipping and reflecting with you. I’m an excellent mother; not a perfect one. I hope that you can see your self in my transparency. No one wants a cry baby; right? But maybe we need to rethink what that even means. Thanks for reading. Love y’all.
I’m not here because I’m and expert. I’m here because I have experiences.” -Stephanie