“When you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on.”
-Theodore Roosevelt
Someone is having a difficult time in their marriage right now. You are feeling angry, sad and resentful. You’re wondering if you made a mistake. Especially if you’re a newlywed. You’re sitting in your car or half working at your job trying to figure out how you arrived in your present space. Contemplating if it’s even worth the effort. You’re more like roommates than husband and wife maybe worse because you barely even speak to each other. The “D” word keeps coming up and you wonder if one day you’re gonna come home to find your mate has given up first.
Right now your heart is breaking more and more each day thoughts regarding your expectations for your marriage and the reality of your marriage. When you were dating, your spouse was the best thing since sliced bread. Now he's just moldy yeast because even the best bread doesn’t stay fresh forever.
You thought marriage was all #DateNight and #RelationshipGoals. You’ve been using Disney fairy tales, romantic comedies and your parents marriage as a barometer for evidence of love. You never actually fully absorbed that fairy tales and romantic comedies are make believe. The writers and producers scrap hundreds of rough drafts before they come to the final masterpiece And well, your parents they made alotta shit up too in an effort to make you feel safe. It didn’t just keep you safe though; it also created an unrealistic, distorted illusion of marriage.
You berate yourself. Why have I wasted so much time? I gave this man the best years of my life. I gave up my hobbies, had children I didn't even want, effed up my credit and alienated my friends. You wonder if you missed signs. You don’t consider that you are the problem or that you are definitely contributing to them. You fail to understand that marriages don’t dissolve in a vacuum. They dissolve right out in the open, in the bright light of day through pride, rejection, emotional dishonesty and silence.
You're contemplating your exit plan. Wondering who will have seen this coming… the demise of your marriage. Who is laying in wait for him? Because even though you can't stand his ass you know he’s still fine. Will you be able to maintain the quality of life you have grown accustomed to without him? You want to find love again and you’d like for it to be with him. Will butterflies ever return? You secretly wonder if there's any hope left between you.
At this point you’re convince I know what I’m talking about because this is either a path you’ve walked or one a loved one has taken. Every married person I know has been in this devastating place previously or presently. As I say, I’m not an expert, but I do have experiences. I know the confusion and sadness of a marriage that’s in trouble. I know because I lived in this space. Every argument was the final straw. Each curt word was proof of an ideal impossible to achieve.
It never occurred to me that marriages don’t break or fail… people do.
The institution of marriage isn’t failing. The people who make up the marriage are failing. Failing to be reasonable… failing to show vulnerability… failing to show compassion… failing to communicate… failing to be quiet… failing to be considerate… failing to seek understanding… failing to be respectful… failing to seek help… failing to be redirected… failing to be accountable…
The marriage is the marriage; right? It can exist no matter who you plug into it. Kind of like religion. Religion just is no matter who you worship or how. The rules exist. What you need is a relationship. You can go to church. You can't refrain from murder. You can not want your neighbors Ferrari. That still doesn't mean you know God or that you will be inclined to receive His gifts. It just means you can follow rules.
You can be faithful to your wife. You can bring your check home every two weeks. You can bring home flowers. You can be ready for sex when ever called upon. You can know all the rules. You can follow all the rules. But if you don't understand the relationship… the covenant… the promises… and the commitment between you and your spouse— you will never be happy. You will never be successful. And the rest of your married life will be doomed. Anybody can have a marriage. Anyone can have religion. If you don’t operate within the framework of love, respect and commitment to the things you say you love; you have nothing.
This is why you have miserable folks in the church. They can follow rules. They can decipher if you’re following the rules, but they wouldn’t know love and happiness if Al Green sang it in the pulpit. Your marriage is failing because you’re following rules and not seeking a relationship. You believe you did what you were supposed to do according to the rules as you know them, but he still won’t leave you love notes… she never wants to be intimate even though you helped with the kids last week.
We, as a society, are addicted to ready made remedies and recipes for everything. We don’t want to see anything through. We want what we want as we want it and we don’t want to wait for it. How many of you know food cooked on the stove tastes better than food from the microwave? Yes. It takes longer. It requires more effort. The outcome though? Tell me it’s not worth it.
Your marriage requires more than an engagement ring, a wedding, a honeymoon and kids. A marriage requires two people willing to wake up every day choosing to be the best version of themselves for each other. This will directly benefit your marriage. Please know that I have no judgement for people who have dissolved their marriage. This isn’t that. Some marriages need to be over. #ISaidWhatISaid
This is for the person who is over it, but still has hope. You want your marriage to work. You love your spouse, but you’re tired and you don’t know what else to do. I’m telling you to let go of the rules and the expectations set for you by what you witnessed as a child. Release the romanticization of marriage created in television, movies and social media by individuals who are trying to entertain you… and themselves. The narrative of your marriage is to be created by you and the person you chose to spend forever with. Don’t worry about the negative things you’ve said about your mate to certain people(stop doing that). Release thoughts about what they will think about your reconciled marriage. First, if they love you they will be overjoyed to see you work on your marriage. Second, what they think about you is none of your business.
Work. On. You. Seriously, when you feel that your spouse is being a complete jerk and nothing you say or do is right— Go within. Be honest with yourself about your shortcomings. What are my areas of challenge? How can I create peace with me? Be vulnerable. Visit a therapist together and or separately. Also, as my dear friend and mentor Nolan McCants once told me, “Marriage is seasonal.” You go through things. Life changes. It gets better. It gets worse. It gets better. There are peaks and valleys. Feelings will come and go. Let the promises made when you said “I Do” reinforce your commitment and sustain your marriage. Build on that foundation.
Like Teddy Roosevelt said, “When you’re at the end of your rope; tie a knot and hold on.”
Hold on. Y’all gon be alright.
I’m not here because I’m am expert. I’m here because I have experiences. -Stephanie