“A desert is a place without expectation.”
-Nadine Gordimer
The recovery from my hysterectomy has gone better than I imagined. I mean, obviously, you can only have one hysterectomy a lifetime so my frame of reference is limited. But based on the advice I received and the stories shared by women who had gone down this road before me; I think I’m doing pretty dang on good.
My recovery was definitely made easier by the outpouring of love and support from people who love me or by people who, minimally, like me a lot. My friends who follow me on social media were constantly checking in on me, telling me to rest and sending me love. I was going through a lot, but I was always aware and soooo appreciative of people rallying around me.
A beautiful friend started a Meal Train. A meal train is love personified. Folks that I know well and not so well signed up and brought food day after day. Others sent flowers, cards and just came to sit with me for a while. I felt enveloped in love. I literally wanted for nothing. Which is why it caught me a little off guard when I realized how upset I was that one friend in particularly was conspicuously absent during this entire ordeal.
Like, how could you not be here? How could you not jump on the opportunity to be there for me in all the ways I have been there for you? Not because I’m keeping score, but because I believe healthy relationships don’t thrive if one person is always standing on the other persons head. Remember when I wrote about Randall and Beth here? There is no relationship that should leave you gasping for air.
Truthfully, I’m still trying to trudge my way through my current feelings. I wanted this to be black and white. You know? Friend disappoints friend. Friend apologizes. Friends move on. The end. Unfortunately… fortunately, it isn’t as cut and dry as I would like.
Initially, I blamed myself. I was chillin like you do when you’re taking Norco. I stared off into space like… expectation… the genesis of disappointment. Tuh. If you didn’t have expectations in the first place ya lil feelings wouldn’t be hurt. All this disappointment began because I had the audacity to expect *side eye*. I’ve heard variations of…Don’t expect anything from folks and you won’t be disappointed and I vehemently disagreed. But when I found myself in the same position— Well, I struggled.
I was hurt and angry and disappointed because my friend did not show up for me. I was also angry at myself for wanting and expecting. Especially, because I didn’t really want to be mad at her. I love her. I began to reprimand myself. I was wrong for wanting and expecting… or was I?
Side Note: I cannot impress upon you enough the value of reflecting on your feelings. Don’t take them at face value. Don’t accept your immediate reaction as law. Reflect on your feelings and watch them evolve.
As I began to reflect; expectation boiled down to two things: Vulnerability and Trust.
We have previously discussed vulnerability. I have written about its’ importance and the strength we find when we embrace vulnerability. Yet, here I was beating myself up for being vulnerable… for opening myself up to disappointment. This is why I say, “I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences.” I’m no master at this. I’m struggling and growing and learning just like you. I stand out only because I share my experiences; not because I’ve mastered them.
My friends at Google define expectation as “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.” The basis of expectation is that you want something that someone else has… and that based on a shared or symbiotic relationship; you believe they will give it to you.
Expectation requires vulnerability. Friendship requires vulnerability.
It is the experiences you’ve shared, the ways in which you have supported someone that lead you to expect. Some folks would say these expectations are rooted in entitlement. I disagree. In a healthy relationship reciprocation occurs. One hand washes the other. And why shouldn’t you expect that a friend will be a friend? What kind of healthy relationship doesn’t have parameters? I refuse to deny vulnerability to insure that I won’t be hurt. So, no; expectation is not rooted in entitlement.
I believe expectation is rooted in trust.
Friends lift each other up and hold each other down. I consider myself a loyal and true friend. So, if we’re on the same SQUAD— I got you. As such, when my friend didn’t show up for me while I was recovering it felt rather shitty. How HOW could she not have my back? How could strangers feel compelled to spend their money and time on me and not my dear friend? How could acquaintances make room for me in their busy work, child, family and responsibility filled lives and not my friend?
The integrity in relationships get called in to question when trust is compromised.
I had expectations based on our shared experiences. Based on the ways I held her down and lifted her up I believed that she would not disappoint me. Yeah yeah Steph… (I’m talking to myself) you know she means well and shit happens… why are you buggin like this? I’m trippin because it finally occurred to me that it wasn’t about the things she promised that she didn’t provide. It was the trust that was connected to it all. It was the trust I had in our relationship that led me to believe that she would do what she said just as I had done so many times before…
The trust has been broken. I feel betrayed.
I’m gonna honor that brokenness transparently by acknowledging the hurt and allowing it to heal. I forgive her. I was not wrong for expecting and wanting. I was not wrong for believing. I was not wrong for being disappointed. I was not wrong for showing vulnerability. I do not own the missteps of others. I am responsible for my feelings.
Yes, expectation is the genesis of disappointment, but that is simply an observation. It is not an argument against expectation. The repeated meeting of expectations is how we grow imperfect, authentic, meaningful relationships. Disappointment is a toll we pay on the journey to imperfect, authentic, meaningful relationships.
I’m willing to pay the price.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences”. -Stephanie