Vulnerability is not weakness. And that myth is profoundly dangerous."
-Brene Brown
“Friends are the family we choose.” I don’t know the origins of that quote, but I believe it to be one of the truest things ever spoken. I’ve had my share of friendships. I’ve cultivated many, neglected others and even outright destroyed a few. A couple of them needed destroying… others just needed a modification, but my emotions didn’t allow me to see the difference. I regret that.
People are quick to say, “I regret nothing”. I don’t subscribe to that. In friendships and in life we do things that we wish we could take back. Regret is only negative if we dwell in that space. I find regret to be a natural part of growth. It doesn’t mean it’s easy. It doesn’t feel good. It just is. Through it all, I’ve grown tremendously.
As you know, I was a huge proponent of the #NoNewFriends movement. I allowed hurt from past relationships to keep me from letting people in my heart. Maturity has taken me to new heights in this area. I sometimes look back like… that person would have made a wonderful friend. It was truly me and not them. A couple of years ago I had an Aha! moment. I just felt so open… I’m happy to say I stayed that way… open. Now any one can come in; they just might not get to stay.
I treasure the relationships in my life and I work hard to maintain them. I’ve learned a few things along the way about how to create, cultivate and maintain fulfilling, symbiotic friendships. I hope you gain insight here.
Vulnerability is Courageous
Folks don’t like vulnerability because it evokes fear. Personally, I believe fear gets a bad rap. Fear isn’t necessarily bad. I find it to be negative only if it keeps you from the thing on the other side of it. Fear is really just your subconscious telling you to pay attention. Instead of using it as an alert mechanism; we use it as an interrupter of action. It stops us cold.
This is why I wouldn’t make new friends. Eventually, I changed my ideology surrounding friendship and activated courage. I may still get hurt, but I won’t let fear steal the joy of having amazing people around me just because they haven’t been around for a certain number of years. Some of the folks I met in the last few years have been more impactful than people I’ve known half my life.
Quality over quantity has many applications.
So, I’ve established that vulnerability is needed to begin relationships, but it’s also necessary to maintain them. We have to be willing to share love with each other. Listen, even the toughest person wants to feel honored, appreciated and revered. I’m not saying you need to write love letters to each other. Though, I do appreciate a handwritten note from time to time #TrueStory. I’m saying be open to receiving and giving love. Say words like, “thank you”, “I love you”, “I appreciate you”, “thank you for thinking about me”, “you’re so freakin dope”, “I’m lucky to have you in my life”, “thank you for listening to me”.
Vulnerability is sharing yourself at your lowest. Establish relationships that allow you to get on the phone and just weep if you need to weep. Keeping it all in is like having emotional acid reflux. The hurt and pain is trying to come up, but you won't let it. Even though no one else can see what's gurgling below the surface; it's still burning you... it's still there. Sometimes you just need to throw it up. Call a friend and say "I need you", "I'm scared", "Can I come over?", "I can't take it anymore", "help me". Be a safe place to land and allow trusted allies to hold you up when everything is falling down. This is friendship.
And just like you need to affirm each other in friendship; you also have be willing to offer and accept correction. We have to be able to express hurt and disappointment, shirking the fear of appearing weak or petty. If you spend enough time with ANYONE they are going to hurt your feelings or get on your nerves. These are facts and it has nothing to do with how much you love the other person. My husband loves me the most and I sometimes get on his nerves. Me getting on someone’s nerves??? I know it’s hard to believe, but that’s the truth.
Tattoo these phrases on your mental/emotional communication bank: "I apologize.", "I misunderstood.", "Help me understand", "I was wrong.", "Please forgive me", "Can we clear the air?", "Did I do something to upset you?". Instead of ignoring or deflecting; learn how to acknowledge and take ownership of the missteps you take in friendship.
Also, can we stop wearing petty behavior like a badge of honor”? It bares no good fruit for the valued relationships in our life. Ask yourself: Are you trying to win or mend?
Friendships often end because a line was crossed or someone’s feelings were repeatedly hurt without acknowledgement. BUT… If you haven’t confronted the person regarding offensive behavior how can you expect them to improve? What’s acceptable for someone else might not be acceptable for you.
Like, I don’t do yo momma jokes… some people do. I’m not going to be upset with you for telling a yo momma joke the first time you tell it. I have to tell you I don’t like it first. It is not petty or weak to express disappointment or hurt to a friend. They probably have no idea that they hurt your feelings or the extent to which they hurt them. You need to be able to say, “can we talk?”, “my feelings were hurt when…”, “I really didn’t like when you”, “Can you help me understand why?”.
Your feelings are your responsibility. If you want other people to honor them; you have to share them.
Also, stop being so quick to cancel someone. I was so good at this. No need to inform the person or discuss their actions… no time for reflection or settled emotions… just a decimated friendship with little possibility of redemption. This strategy worked really well for me— until it didn’t. Now, I’m left with regret when maybe all we needed was a renewed understanding of our relationship and unique individuality. Some relationships definitely have an expiration date. Others just need you to filter the bullshit so the baby doesn’t get thrown out with the bathwater.
Disagreements don’t have to end in breakdown.
My friendships are some of my most prized possessions. I take ownership of their success or failure. I realize if I want them to flourish I have to be willing to offer myself up. Closing myself off didn’t just keep me from negativity; it also kept me from positive, authentic, meaningful relationships. I regret that. I will never know what could have been. I don’t dwell in that space… I do honor it with acknowledgement.
Being loved and loving requires giving little pieces of yourself. If the relationship is worthy; the other person will always return those pieces back to you and they’ll leave little pieces of themselves with you.
Oh what a beautiful dance it is… friendship.
I'm not here because I'm an expert. I'm here because I have experience. -Stephanie