"But you don't know the pictures story
And how long it took to make it good."
-Jonathan McReynolds "Comparison Kills"
Call me a broken record, but some messages need regular reinforcement. Jonathan McReynolds wrote a beautiful song called Comparison Kills. In it he sings of the detrimental effects of making comparisons. Comparing kills joy, self esteem, relationships and any other good thing. And yet, people continue to use social media as a barometer for how successful or disastrous their life is on a daily basis.
Comparison should be replaced with reflection.
I’ve said it many times and I’ll say it again today. You are your only competition. The moment you start competing with other people; you've already lost. The only person I want to be better than is the woman I was yesterday. And listen, I think the woman I was yesterday is pretty dope, but I know on this journey there’s always room for growth. I cannot compare the today me against the today you because it is impossible to do and it just doesn’t make sense.
In scientific terms, when doing an experiment, to see the similarities and differences in something you would have to watch those things exclusively from start to finish; recording everything. You would need to know all variables or things effecting the subjects of the experiment. And therein lies the problem with social media. You can not see all the variables in the life of someone else.
You can only see what they want you to see. THAT part.
I spend a significant amount of time on social media. Sometimes we think because our social media friends post 20 times a day; they must be telling us everything. Well, I live in the same house as my husband and I cannot tell you what he had for lunch. Soooo, as far as me knowing the ends and outs of a persons life based on a few social media posts??? No.
I am here to tell you that there is someone on your timeline right now who is smiling in every picture and always talking about how strong they are and hashtagging stuff like #GetLikeMe… That person doesn’t even want to be themselves. They are hiding their depression behind beautiful smiles. Sidenote: It’s great to visit social media pages, but some of y’all need to visit your friends actual homes. Hello? Ok.
The person who is posting pictures of themselves at all the hottest downtown night spots and restaurants is currently unemployed, spending money they don’t have. Optics. Not that it’s any of our business. No one's asking us to write a check. I’m just saying. Keep your eyes on your own paper. The single suave dude (did I just use the word “suave) jet setting all over the world with his six figure plus salary and dope ass Tesla is still struggling with self esteem issues from his childhood. He doesn’t post about how alone he feels.
I was once acquainted with a woman who was always publicly offering up the perfection of her marriage. I mean unsolicited gushing about the love between she and her husband… The gloriousness of it all. Want to know what she was doing in private? She was calling me every other night to lament about how miserable she was in her marriage. I couldn’t continue a relationship with her because she was perpetuating shame and guilt amongst women who thought their own marriage was a failure because it was so drastically different from the facade of marriage she peddled to them. Sad.
The point is, people let you see what they want you to see. In all of my last 20 social media posts here are a few things that I did not disclose, but are still 100% true.
I ate my food on a Styrofoam plate in my truck… in the garage. That’s right. I cooked an amazingly delicious dinner. I found a recipe for cajun chicken pasta that tastes just like the one at The Cheesecake Factory. I made this dish last week too. It was a huge hit. They asked me to make it again and because I love these crumbsnatchers; I indulged them. I served everyone, made my own plate and sat down. Cue one of my children and their smart, rude mouth at my dinner table. I don’t have to put up with this nonsense and I definitely don’t have to eat dinner with you. My feelings were hurt, but I didn’t want to acknowledge that because #PowerTrip and #Control. So, I chose an anger/disappointment combo. I knew there was a better way, but I didn’t care. I was mad.
I didn’t post any of that on social media.
I made an appointment to see my gynecologist this week. I am like six months late for my annual appointment. I haven’t seen her since the beginning of 2017 and she’s one of my favorite people. It’s not her; it’s me. I suppose it wouldn’t be such a big deal except I have a history of “lady issues”. Endometriosis is at the top of that list. Endometriosis: Created by satan for the sole purpose of punishing women. Really. I am almost always in some degree of pain or discomfort. I hate it so much. I have never heard a women with endometriosis say… Ummm… it’s not that bad… we just deal. I am always just dealing in this particular area of my life. I plan to talk about women’s reproductive health more, in general, because women need a place to talk about this. There is so much shame surrounding problematic issues with women’s reproductive health. I truly wish more women felt safe discussing their struggles. I am continually working on being more transparent. The importance of knowing you are not alone is invaluable.
I didn’t post any of that on social media.
My baby boy has been sick-ish for like three weeks. No lie… Three weeks. For three weeks I’ve been wiping up snot, blood, poop or vomit. Not necessarily exclusive of each other either. It started out as what I thought was a cold. For one whole week he only half slept through the night… Like newborn action. Then, I strong armed him with the aspirator while trying to suck out snot and scraped the inside of his nose. There was blood. It was bad. I felt horrible. I will NEVER use an aspirator again. You know what? Forget it. I don’t wanna talk about it… I’m not even gon’ include the series of events that followed. It’s doesn’t even matter when the poop and vomit came into play. All you need to know is I’m tired as hell. The boy only intermittently displays the symptoms of an individual who doesn’t feel well #Sick-ish. One minute he’s up in my arms getting all the snuggles… the next he’s terrorizing his siblings with wrestling moves they taught him and running through my kitchen. I am TIRED.
I didn’t post any of that on social media.
Listen… Get your life together… whatever that means. You do not need to use the lives of other people to validate your own. My girl India Arie said, “There ain’t no substitute for the truth. Either it is or it isn’t.” I also need to say this... The lives of many people on social media are true. Not perfect.. True. They are absolutely happy and loved. I like to count myself among them. You will never catch me phony kickin it or lying on social media. It will never happen. That still doesn't mean that you will see the entirety of my life. Use what you see in the lives of other people to inspire you to push through… to work harder; not to prove you’re better. Half the stuff you’re looking at isn’t the whole story anyway.
I'm not here because I'm an expert. I'm here because I have experiences. -Stephanie