"It is not good, it sucks and every day I fight it to the death, or, at the very least, not let it take me over."
-Stevie Nicks
I am in my feelings today. In my feelings: An indirect acknowledgement of sadness, regret or some other negative emotion... Usually inexplicable. It's in the same nonsensical family as when you're feeling "some type of way". Other people have no idea what you're talking about when you use these phrases, but you do... even if you can't explain it. That is me right now-- Simultaneously in my feelings and feeling some type of way. I want to understand this space I'm in badly so I can fix it. Is this hormones? Menopause, maybe?
Damn you Eve!
Because I consider myself emotionally intelligent; I am having a particularly difficult time with this. Yeah. I'm hoping this is a very temporary hormonal blip in the road because I am not here for this shit. I pride myself on being even-tempered. My attitude and personality are always the same. I'm fun-loving chill and authentic. Don't get me wrong. I get angry sometimes and I'm not always pleased with how that emotion is manifested. BUT I get angry with who I'm angry with or sad about what I'm sad about. Baby! Today? Today, I am mad and sad at everybody and everything.
I am 1000% not moody. And I try to keep my distance from moody people because why wouldn't I? Why wouldn't you? I have avoided moodiness like the plague. If the wind momentarily blows different than they prefer; moody people are pissed for the remainder of the day. I just can't get with that as a lifestyle choice.
And yet...
Here I am annoyed right now because my panties are touching my ass. Ugh. I don't even want to be with myself at the moment and how is that even possible? I mean-- Have you met me? I'm a pretty fabulous individual. But today? Right now? I am irritable, irritated and I'd be irritating if my children could fathom such a thought about their mother. It's just me and them at home right now. When my baby girl asked me what was wrong because she could see her poor mother was struggling to be decent I told her I had a storm cloud over me, but I'm working really hard to let my light back out. She understood.
Luckily, my dear husband is at work. God is good. Yes He is! If my husband was home I would find fault with the rhythm of his breathing. That's where I am right now. And I really want to call him and like cry or whine or something but he would find this new, outrageous behavior alarming. So, I'll wait until he gets home.
Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I didn't even answer or return most phone calls today because I wasn't sure I could be reasonable. Who am I, y'all? Then, I had the nerve to turn on Adele's 25 album. Why did I do that??? I was in my truck crying about problems I don't have. Do y'all hear me?
Who else has experienced this phenomenon? I just turned 40 like 3.5 minutes ago. Well, it's actually been about six months but who's counting? In my current irrational, emotional, unbalanced state I believe I should be allowed certain exaggerated creative licenses.
So, like I said... I turned 40 like 2.5 minutes minutes ago and I'm experiencing all sorts of ridiculous nonsense. Shall I provide a list? There's hot flashes, sweating, unexplained irritability, pre-mentrual headaches... Because getting my period once a month isn't punishment enough. I now need a headache to top it off. I'm sure there's more shit for me to complain about, but I can't remember it. Well, I'll be damned... add memory loss to the list.
I am not myself today. Well, I guess that's not true either. Even though I am not fond of this particular version of myself; she is still a part of me and I need to own all of my parts. I just feel out of control. Not like I'm mentally or emotionally unstable necessarily, but like I wish I was holding the reigns more tightly. I wanna control the direction of my ship. Right now the captain is feeling like a deckhand.
I need a little support behind this one. Who else has shared in a similar experience? Anyone else feeling a little hormonally unstable these days? How has that time of the month changed for you as you've gotten older? Has it changed you in any way? What tools do you have in your toolbox? Today, I was aware of my feelings and I managed my proximity to others. Next, I'm going to work on strategies to manage my emotions on this journey.
WHEW!
Last thing... Is menopause puberty on steroids??? Because I have two girls knocking down puberty's door. I'm just not sure they can live here on a full-time basis at this time. Maybe we can turn their playset into a condo. It'll be fun.
Anybody else want to take a girls trip back to Eden and whoop Eve's ass? Cuz I'm selling tickets. That'd be a trip no one would back out of. LOL! Bye y'all. Send ya girl some good vibes. We gon be alright. I love you!
I'm not here because I'm an expert. I'm here because I have experiences. -Stephanie