"When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.
-Madeleine L'Engle
I sent my daughter on an adventure without me. She attended a week long STEM camp at a university that is a relatively short distance away. A dorm room without any of the people who love her most was her temporary home. She was eating someone else’s food and following the full-time guidance of strangers. This is our first time apart under these circumstances #MommasBaby. I made sure she was far enough away, but also close enough. I felt that if I woke up in the middle of the night needing to see her face she should be close enough for me to be that crazy.
I love her fiercely.
My girl has a strong sense of self. She proclaimed she would be a veterinarian when she was three or four years old and she has never wavered on it. I want to feed her interest and give her new experiences. I want to see her accomplish every dream she has for herself and mine too. So, I signed her up for this camp that will expand her horizons. I am hoping the exposure will change her life and I am simultaneously terrified by what that will mean for me.
I am painting a sky for her, giving her wings, teaching her how to fly, but I’m gonna be sad when she puts it all together to leave the nest.
My daughter is a flyer, a go-er, a do-er, a revolutionary in her own right. I want this life for her so bad… this life that she is making for herself. She is my daughter. She is who I wish I had been brave enough to be at her age. And even in that I can't help but think about how her desire and her ability to be an amazing human being will negatively effect me.
I understand that what’s best for her may not always line up with what feels good to me. I promise to lift her up and let her fly even though I know a piece of my heart will go with her.
I am her mother. Because I am imperfect I am both happy and sad about the possibilities.
I often talk about the effect of success on the people around you. Some people are 100 percent unhappy about your ascension. They don’t want you to be happy. That whole misery loves company thing is at play with them. However, I believe most people in your life are actually happy for you. They may also be conflicted.
They start thinking about how your growth is going to effect them. My explanation for this behavior is going to sound selfish because the behavior is selfish… hahaha. I just want to offer you a different way to think about things if the people in your life get too quiet when your life is a celebration.
Straight up: The people who love you aren’t hating on you; they’re just trying to figure out how they fit into the next level of your life. People get used to you a particular way. When you shake that up the other people in your life may feel intimidated or left behind. They may experience a dip in their own self esteem. That’s not hate or jealousy. That’s human.
Think about your friend who joined a gym. She acquired a trainer and she’s gonna be with that person three days a week in addition to her regular gym time. She doesn’t eat meat anymore and she’s on a liquor fast. Say WHAT??? Yesssss. Well, who the hell are you supposed to eat tacos and “wine down” with? I’m laughing, but I’m so serious.
You want your friend to be healthy. You know this is best for her. Still, you know this means there will be less time for the two of you and that makes you sad. Plus, you're convicted by the fact that you know you should also be doing a better job of taking care of yourself. And let's just be honest... Her choice to do better is holding a big ol mirror up to you. That probably does feel good either. Sidenote: This paragraph has SO many applications.
As usual, the problem occurs when we don’t communicate our feelings. Instead, we go dark. You cannot articulate your feelings and you won’t try because you think it actually sounds kinda petty. We don’t make calls and we don’t take them. Too busy either feeling sorry for ourselves or refusing to give people who love us the benefit of the doubt. Although…. If you’re feeling some time of way the onus is on you to communicate those feelings.
It really all boils down to vulnerability.
In this day and age there seems to be so much focus on negativity. Everyone has haters or at least thinks they have haters. People want everyone to know they ain't no punk. *Double negative intended for affect. What if we chose a more vulnerable approach? I think trying to figure out why people do what they do increases empathy and understanding. Shout out to Dr. Shaniqua Jones for exposing me to the power of restorative practices.
Before you identify one of your people as a “hater” think about the behaviors, motives and history. You may deduce that they are simply consumed with fear and thoughts of how your success or evolution is going to negatively impact one of their most prized possessions— Your friendship.
After all, here I am a deeply devoted and loving mother wishing the best for my girl and also weeping for myself.
I'm not here because I'm an expert. I'm here because I have experiences. -Stephanie