I know the heart wrenching impact of suicide and the extreme, desperate heart and mind space one has to be in to make that choice. I also have friends who suffer from depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and perhaps other mental illnesses I know nothing about. I worry about them. I worry when they get to quiet and when they stay away too long. I wonder if my phone is gonna ring with the grief of a parent or sibling telling me they’ve chosen their own final act on the stage of life— I am sometimes terrified by the knowing… the knowing that no matter how beautiful, intelligent, witty and resourceful I find you— that if you don’t see it in yourself what I think doesn’t matter.
I thought of all the times I was afraid to be me. How I worked hard to be acceptable and appropriate and good. Acceptable and appropriate and good do not benefit the folks who are being confined to it. I was bombarded with memories of the struggle to return to me. How it took my whole life to get back to a little girl with almost just right shoes so I could free her from the irrational, suffocating expectations of other people.
So, first we have to acknowledge the facts. We are plus size. We are overweight. We said we wanted to lead a more healthy lifestyle. We KEEP saying we want to lead a more healthy lifestyle. We had three seasons to get our life together. Fall, Winter and Spring have passed. We didn’t get our life together. To that end, we are still chubby. Is there anything wrong with that? Nope— Unless you want to be something else.
While I’m on this journey I’m going to tell you the truth. You know, you look at folks who lost the weight and kept it off. People post pictures in the gym or on the track, but we rarely discuss the setbacks, the double cheeseburgers and the days you give up. You see triumphant folks who've met a goal, but you don’t consider all that they went through to get to that point. You see them fit, healthy and you compare their relative success to your failure. Thing is… you’re looking at an incomplete picture. And yo! Stop comparing yourself to other people anyway! Yes, I yelled at you.
You know…. I almost posted a different blogpost, but then that would be compromising my entire purpose and mission. I don’t want to look or sound a particular way to those of you who read my words and keep up with me. I don’t want to portray a woman who always has perfect brows and hair with a fully beat face. I refuse to act like every day of my life is rainbows, glitter and baby giggles. I’m not playing a character on this blog or other social media platforms and I don’t want to. I want to BE who I say I am. And sometimes I’m a mess.
Women are so accustomed to taking care of others. We get taught this from a very young age in a way in which our male counterparts are not. It’s that dangblasted patriarchal society that conditions us. Girls take care of everyone. Not because it makes them happy, but because that’s what womenfolk are for. *chuckle Anyway, we really need to figure out how to carve out time and resources for the expressed purpose of bringing ourselves joy and relaxation.
When people we know, like and or love behave badly we want answers. I honestly think it’s a natural response. Inquiry and curiosity are tools we use to acquire information and keep ourselves safe. We assess situations and people and leverage a judgement based on what we know. BUT… How can we do that if we don’t know what happened and why?
I thought I had somehow been cheated. I’m supposed to be in charge of everybody for the purpose of making life perfect. My thinking was unreasonable, unattainable and unfair to everyone, especially me. If you say you want to be happy, but can’t seem get happy and stay in that space; it’s probably because you are pursuing something other than happiness. For me, it was the ideals of marriage and motherhood; not the reality. I, with all my intellectual prowess, managed to confuse perfection with happiness. Too many make the same mistake.
I cannot imagine the turmoil, the pain, the absolute heartbreak of her absence in my life. As Mother’s Day approaches many will be faced with the reality of more than “almost”. They will wake up every single day with their beloved mothers still in heaven. While the Christian thing to do is to rejoice knowing that she is with her heavenly father… the heart of a motherless child can hardly find peace; let alone rejoice.
I don’t know where people get the idea that we have nothing to do or we’d rather be doing something else. I literally cannot think of the last time I was bored at home. Also, the idea that SAHM’s have “settled” or given up on their dreams. Look into my eyes: We are not being held against our will. I don’t need to qualify my life to you. Worry about your deferred dreams. #JudgeYourOwnSelf
So when people came to our home to drink and eat and be merry, but didn’t share the love I didn’t understand. What does it mean to share the love? Some might view this response as petty or punitive, but I’m just here to share my truth. If my truth doesn’t resonate with you—you might just be the kind of person who doesn’t share the love.
It's unfortunate, but some folks love to downplay the role of mothers. …Maybe that’s not fair. Some folks do not understand the intricacies of motherhood. How it stretches from the time we know our babies exist in our bellies until we leave this earth. The trips to the grocery store, the homework we don’t understand, emails to teachers, doctors visits, meltdowns and the thinking about how to make it all fit together so that joy can abound. Mothers, and those who truly love them, know I could go on and on. So, don’t allow your work as a mother to be minimized and stop overcompensating to get recognized.
Since emotionally bankrupt people will never stop making withdrawals-- You need to close their account. Walk away. You don’t owe them. Even financial institutions limit the number of times an account can be overdrawn. Banks lend with the absolute expectation that what they lend is coming back. In fact, they require an additional fee in the event you don’t return what you took. And after all that, if you still refuse to make good on the obligation, what does the bank do? THEY CLOSE YOUR ACCOUNT.
The regular practice of choosing you will be challenging and rewarding . It will be the greatest work of your life. Choosing you will be a study of what really matters to you and a magnifier that shows if you include yourself amongst those things. Some days you will be elated; on other days your heart will break over all the little and big ways you made everything and everybody more important than you. There’s no reward in that. The triumph is in doing better once you know better.
Today I am writing to reach the sensibilities and cognitive capabilities of good White folks. The power to change the status quo lies primarily with you. You need to say something... At your dinner tables, at your school board meetings, at the deli counter. You know racists. Your neighbors, family and friends express racially charged sentiments that apologetically end with, “you know what I mean.” Or “I don’t mean it like that. You know I’m not racist.” You must call them out.
Anytime you have the desire to lie you need to stop and reflect. Fear is the only reason we lie. We keep secrets because we don’t want to feel the judgement of others. While no one may ever know the truth; you will always feel the shame.
As I placed my hand on the doorknob to leave; he pounced around the corner out of nowhere. I immediately asked about the girls and the housekeeper. The girls were gone and he had given the housekeeper the day off. His wife, a doctor, was at the hospital. I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t know why.
In today’s world folks are very easily agitated. In an age of text based relationships and catching up only through picture walks and casual stalking on social media; it is easy to see how folks can become disconnected. We all need to do a better job of communicating and connecting with the folks we care about. Isn’t that right?
I don’t know a single woman who has not experienced domestic violence. If I had to name five friends right now— 3 out of 5 are domestic violence survivors. Wait... 4. These women vary in upbringing, age, socio-economic status and education. There is no one size fits all when it comes to domestic violence.
