Arguing isn't communication, it's noise.
Tony Gaskins
In my daily life I get along with folks. I get up in the morning, thank God for another chance to get it right, acquire my daily coffee, brush my teeth— Showers are optional because #MomLife and then I spend the rest of the day minding my business. Imagine if the whole world spent their day like me.
Now, because I understand that we are all individuals I know how hard it could be for you to live your life in the exact way that I do. Even though it would serve you well. And listen, I’m a middle child. So I’m used to people not listening to me even though I have a very high instance of being correct. HA! I’m just kidding y’all! No I’m not. *chuckle*
Anyway... These days folks are very easily agitated. In an age of text based relationships and catching up only through picture walks and casual stalking on social media; it is easy to see how folks can become disconnected. We all need to do a better job of communicating and connecting with the folks we care about. Isn’t that right?
I do many things here, but I mostly want to be of service. In an effort to help us all just get along I put together this short, but effective list.
Five Ways To Avoid An Argument:
1. Be quiet.
Lord knows this is an area of challenge for me. I find myself literally saying, “Everything doesn’t require a response, Stephanie.” Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. #JudgeYourOwnSelf Still, at least I have it in my bag of tricks. Side note: This is particularly helpful in marriage. Knock the lil person off your shoulder that keeps yell-whispering for you to “Say it anyway!!!”. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
2. Go to bed.
No one did anything to you. You’re just tired. You are not that different from a toddler. Sad, but true. When little kids get sleepy they make bad decisions for their life— So do you. I cannot tell you the number of times my mother has said, “You sound sleepy, Steph.” That was her way of nicely telling me to take myself somewhere and lay down before I lose my life. I appreciate her for that. I have never missed that particular cue. As a result; here I am. Thank you Mommy… love you forever.
3. Seek understanding; not confirmation.
Recipe for disaster: You want to be heard + You want to be right. Understanding does not live in that space. When you listen to someone for the purpose of validating your position you have failed at effective communication. Also… Try empathy. So simple; yet so underused. Go in seeking a resolution rather than the designation of being right. Strategy: Try to position yourself as an outsider seeing both sides. This takes practice. Keep trying.
4. Eat.
Hangryness is a real thing. Of course there is science to back this up. One study showed that hunger triggered a shift in the part of the brain involved in sensory perception. Like, you might engage in more risky behavior or get slick at the mouth. Which explains that one time I went shopping with my mom… She is a shopper— I am not. I threw a grown ass tantrum in the middle of Macy’s because she promised we cold go eat, but she wouldn’t stop shopping. She didn’t assassinate me right there in the store because she had broken her promise. Plus, I think she was also in shock. And so I am still here. This is a true story.
5. Mind Your Business
Alotta y’all stay mad about stuff that has nothing to do with you. You can’t wait to have an argument about somebody else’s life. I find this especially true on social media. My goodness! It requires too much energy that you could expend on creating a meaningful change in yourself. Check it… The next time you find yourself in disagreement with someone stop and ask: What does this have to do with me? You might be surprised at the answer.
Eat, sleep, empathize, close your mouth and mind your damn business. LBVS! That’s it. Stop looking for a fight. Enroll in bootcamp or kickboxing. Blow off steam in a productive fashion. Choose to focus on ideas and dialogue that bring us together rather than those that alienate and isolate. Take care of you. Talk to you soon.
I'm not here because I'm an expert. I'm here because I have experiences.
-Stephanie