To save money, I cancelled a few subscriptions. To save my energy I cancelled a few relationships.
-Dr. Shaniqua Jones
The idea of loyalty has tripped me up more than a few times. In that I was naively unaware that people do loyalty differently. Who knew there were varying degrees of loyalty? Did you know the loyalty of some folks is situational? My daddy didn’t tell me that. He did however, teach me about personal integrity at an early age. It’s deeply woven into my character and something that I take pride in— Not that I don’t fall short… Amen? We all do. I guess I mean to say I am very intentional and authentic in the way I navigate life. I approach my relationships with an emotionally pragmatic sensibility. They have to comprehensively make sense.
If you listen to popular culture, especially social media it seems that loyalty is the end all be all when it comes to identifying the value in any relationship. It’s also a way for people to gauge their own worth. I imagine loyalty in this way as emotional currency. In some of my more unfortunate life experiences I have found that people want to be viewed as loyal, but they don’t always want to actually BE loyal. Further, people will hold you to a standard of loyalty that they will not match and do not deserve.
This is why it is paramount that you understand loyalty for yourself and its’ parameters. Go grab your journal right fast. Questions to ask yourself: What is loyalty? What does it mean to be engaged in the act of loyalty? What actions and circumstances predicate loyalty? How does one prove his or her loyalty to me? How do I prove mine? Is loyalty about time and proximity? Is there an expiration date? And is there ever a time to actively revoke loyalty? Why am I loyal to insert name? These are the questions I have and ask myself. Listen, I don’t have all the answers, but I do have ideas, thoughts and questions. You come here to reflect… I just provide a context for you to do it.
I believe in loyalty. I really do, but it needs a framework. Because unchecked loyalty can be used against you. It will have you tethered to negative ideologies, behaviors and people. Unconditional love and loyalty are for Disney movies and rom-coms. There is no open checkbook on loyalty. You don’t infinitely, indefinitely owe people. They like you to believe that though. In adulthood, loyalty is a symbiotic relationship by which all parties give and take as reasonably needed. Close the running loyalty tab.
You know what I’m talking about. That person you maintain a relationship with because you grew up on the playground with them. The friend whose house was your second home when you were in middle school because things weren’t right at your house. That cousin that asks to borrow money every time you see them and you let them because y’all came up together poor. While you went to trade school or college they sat up playing video games and rolling blunts all day long.
Why do you owe them? These people keep driving the wrong way on a one way street and you continue to pull over on the shoulder so they can get by. Why? Because loyalty? So where in the relationship in the reciprocity? They could have their own side of the street, except it’s much easier to keep moving you out of the way.
Since emotionally bankrupt people will never stop making withdrawals-- You need to close their account. Walk away. You don’t owe them. Even financial institutions limit the number of times an account can be overdrawn. Banks lend with the absolute expectation that what they lend is coming back. In fact, they require an additional fee in the event you don’t return what you took. And after all that, if you still refuse to make good on the obligation, what does the bank do? THEY CLOSE YOUR ACCOUNT.
Yet you continue allowing folks with a negative balance to withdraw your time, affection, money, consideration, your peace, your joy etc. Are you not more worthy than any financial institution? Are you not deserving of reciprocal relationships that say you give some, then I give some, then press repeat? My dear friend Dr. Jones said, she cancelled a few relationships. Improve your life and follow her lead. Do some relationship accounting. Every relationship should have an accounts receivable and accounts payable. Any account that doesn’t pay in needs to be flagged, fined and eventually closed. The only person you owe is you.
I'm not here because I'm an expert. I'm here because I have experiences. -Stephanie