Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do.
Irma Kurtz
I’m an entertainer. Not like Beyonce with all the singing and dancing though. Well that’s not exactly accurate because with a wine accompaniment I give Bey a run for her money. HA! Anyway, I’m an entertainer in the sense that I like to entertain. Having people over with good food, drinks and energy is one of my favorite things to do. It gives me joy.
I got it honest. I can remember parties that lasted for days as a kid. People would leave and come back or just stay. My parents are professionals in the art of entertaining. Yes, it is an art. There is a certain finesse required to make your guests feel welcome and celebrated while working like a dog and having fun. To do it right requires work, resources and love. I know people throw parties and have people over all the time. They’re all like it doesn’t take all that, it’s not that big a deal. It is for me because I haven’t figured out how to do it without the love.
So when people came to our home to drink and eat and be merry, but didn’t share the love I didn’t understand. What does it mean to share the love? Some might view this response as petty or punitive, but I’m just here to share my truth. If my truth doesn’t resonate with you—you might just be the kind of person who doesn’t share the love.
I believe all relationships should be reciprocal, symbiotic exchanges. You give. You take. Wash, rinse, repeat. That’s how it works. That’s how it should work anyway. If you keep showing up to the homes of others to drink and eat and be merry; sometimes even bringing others with you to do the same, but you never ever bring anything with you— What should I think? If you always accept an invitation, but never extend one— What should I think? If you come and giggle and talk with who you came with, but you don’t interact— What should I think? If you come, but don't clean up behind yourself-- What should I think?
For a good while I stopped entertaining. Like me and the besties would get together and do us, but I stopped hosting parties. I was like I can’t figure out how to make people stop taking advantage of me. Scratch that. I didn’t have the courage to stop folks from taking advantage of me. There's a difference. Instead, I just cut it. Thank God that somewhere along my journey I decided it was wrong to let this joy be taken from me. So I brought back the parties and removed the people. Lesson: I will not allow people to take me from me. If I can’t be who I am fully with you in my life… you can’t stay.
I’m a giver. I give. And takers, well, they take. We owe it to ourselves to identify the takers and remove them from our lives. We also need to make sure that we aren’t the takers. That sometimes we give to some folks and just take from others. Do an integrity check to make sure that’s not a character flaw you possess. None us are perfect. We all have stuff that needs improvement. I’m just here to hold up a mirror for us all.
Look, bbq season officially kicks off in like 2.5 weeks. If you find yourself not receiving any invitations… start at the beginning and read this again (That made me chuckle.). Y’all know I don’t want you to feel bad, but I do want you to do better. No shame. No guilt. Perfection is a dangerous goal. Pursue progress instead. Just do better. Y’all are awesome. I hope you're growing as much from reading my words as I from writing them. Thank you for taking the time. I love you.
I'm not here because I'm an expert. I'm here because I have experiences. -Stephanie