While I’m on this journey I’m going to tell you the truth. You know, you look at folks who lost the weight and kept it off. People post pictures in the gym or on the track, but we rarely discuss the setbacks, the double cheeseburgers and the days you give up. You see triumphant folks who've met a goal, but you don’t consider all that they went through to get to that point. You see them fit, healthy and you compare their relative success to your failure. Thing is… you’re looking at an incomplete picture. And yo! Stop comparing yourself to other people anyway! Yes, I yelled at you.
You know…. I almost posted a different blogpost, but then that would be compromising my entire purpose and mission. I don’t want to look or sound a particular way to those of you who read my words and keep up with me. I don’t want to portray a woman who always has perfect brows and hair with a fully beat face. I refuse to act like every day of my life is rainbows, glitter and baby giggles. I’m not playing a character on this blog or other social media platforms and I don’t want to. I want to BE who I say I am. And sometimes I’m a mess.
Women are so accustomed to taking care of others. We get taught this from a very young age in a way in which our male counterparts are not. It’s that dangblasted patriarchal society that conditions us. Girls take care of everyone. Not because it makes them happy, but because that’s what womenfolk are for. *chuckle Anyway, we really need to figure out how to carve out time and resources for the expressed purpose of bringing ourselves joy and relaxation.
When people we know, like and or love behave badly we want answers. I honestly think it’s a natural response. Inquiry and curiosity are tools we use to acquire information and keep ourselves safe. We assess situations and people and leverage a judgement based on what we know. BUT… How can we do that if we don’t know what happened and why?
I thought I had somehow been cheated. I’m supposed to be in charge of everybody for the purpose of making life perfect. My thinking was unreasonable, unattainable and unfair to everyone, especially me. If you say you want to be happy, but can’t seem get happy and stay in that space; it’s probably because you are pursuing something other than happiness. For me, it was the ideals of marriage and motherhood; not the reality. I, with all my intellectual prowess, managed to confuse perfection with happiness. Too many make the same mistake.
I cannot imagine the turmoil, the pain, the absolute heartbreak of her absence in my life. As Mother’s Day approaches many will be faced with the reality of more than “almost”. They will wake up every single day with their beloved mothers still in heaven. While the Christian thing to do is to rejoice knowing that she is with her heavenly father… the heart of a motherless child can hardly find peace; let alone rejoice.
I don’t know where people get the idea that we have nothing to do or we’d rather be doing something else. I literally cannot think of the last time I was bored at home. Also, the idea that SAHM’s have “settled” or given up on their dreams. Look into my eyes: We are not being held against our will. I don’t need to qualify my life to you. Worry about your deferred dreams. #JudgeYourOwnSelf
So when people came to our home to drink and eat and be merry, but didn’t share the love I didn’t understand. What does it mean to share the love? Some might view this response as petty or punitive, but I’m just here to share my truth. If my truth doesn’t resonate with you—you might just be the kind of person who doesn’t share the love.
It's unfortunate, but some folks love to downplay the role of mothers. …Maybe that’s not fair. Some folks do not understand the intricacies of motherhood. How it stretches from the time we know our babies exist in our bellies until we leave this earth. The trips to the grocery store, the homework we don’t understand, emails to teachers, doctors visits, meltdowns and the thinking about how to make it all fit together so that joy can abound. Mothers, and those who truly love them, know I could go on and on. So, don’t allow your work as a mother to be minimized and stop overcompensating to get recognized.
Since emotionally bankrupt people will never stop making withdrawals-- You need to close their account. Walk away. You don’t owe them. Even financial institutions limit the number of times an account can be overdrawn. Banks lend with the absolute expectation that what they lend is coming back. In fact, they require an additional fee in the event you don’t return what you took. And after all that, if you still refuse to make good on the obligation, what does the bank do? THEY CLOSE YOUR ACCOUNT.
The regular practice of choosing you will be challenging and rewarding . It will be the greatest work of your life. Choosing you will be a study of what really matters to you and a magnifier that shows if you include yourself amongst those things. Some days you will be elated; on other days your heart will break over all the little and big ways you made everything and everybody more important than you. There’s no reward in that. The triumph is in doing better once you know better.
Today I am writing to reach the sensibilities and cognitive capabilities of good White folks. The power to change the status quo lies primarily with you. You need to say something... At your dinner tables, at your school board meetings, at the deli counter. You know racists. Your neighbors, family and friends express racially charged sentiments that apologetically end with, “you know what I mean.” Or “I don’t mean it like that. You know I’m not racist.” You must call them out.
Anytime you have the desire to lie you need to stop and reflect. Fear is the only reason we lie. We keep secrets because we don’t want to feel the judgement of others. While no one may ever know the truth; you will always feel the shame.
In today’s world folks are very easily agitated. In an age of text based relationships and catching up only through picture walks and casual stalking on social media; it is easy to see how folks can become disconnected. We all need to do a better job of communicating and connecting with the folks we care about. Isn’t that right?
I don’t know a single woman who has not experienced domestic violence. If I had to name five friends right now— 3 out of 5 are domestic violence survivors. Wait... 4. These women vary in upbringing, age, socio-economic status and education. There is no one size fits all when it comes to domestic violence.
So, check it: I’ll be the last person to ever tell you not to aim high. I self-published ten novels in less than three years. I’ve dedicated blog posts on perfecting the side hustle. Productivity is a specialty of mine.
But if you’re running out of steam and inspiration from burning the candle at both ends, what are you producing?
Motherhood is a part of you; not the wholeness of you.
-Stephanie D. Pearson-Davis
I love you. I love you. I really do, but you gotta stop the madness. We all know that in this forum you get the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It’s what you signed up for; remember? If you didn’t sign up for this head back to the home page of my website, enter your name and email address so we can be legit.
Anyway, the truth… You want it. I got it. Martyr Mom sounds like a lot of fun; right? She sounds noble. Running from school to school, dropping off lunches, being class mom, doing homework, giving baths, cleaning ears and asses. The real key to being a martyr mom though--No matter what she NEVER E V E R finds time for herself. How else would the world see your value if you don’t show them the work you do as a mother is so laborious that you don’t even have time to give a shit about yourself?
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Who's that man? Oh... he represents everyone's inner face while you talk about all your sacrifices as a mother and run around like a crazy person. And listen. Y'all know I don't give a lot of weight to what other people think, but this Martyr Mom Mania speaks volumes about what you think about you. Let's see if I can help. I wonder if one post will do. I have a feeling we'll have to come back together for another round or two before we can knock this thing out.
You were not born a mother... Nor were you born to be a mother.
I don't care. I don't care. I said it. I mean it. The ownership that humankind has taken over the female body is astounding. The world has said, "You are female. You have a uterus. You must have a baby. Go forth!" We push baby dolls in the arms of our daughters and call them "Mommy" to those babies. I wonder what would happen if we overwhelmingly bought them stethoscopes and called them doctor or placed airplanes in their arms and called them First Officer. Hmmm...
I digress. And to be clear I do not identify as a feminist #NoShade. It's just... I find it sad that a woman could wake up every day and see motherhood as the only thing providing purpose in her life. First, there a many, many women who have chosen not to be mothers. That number is growing every day. Their personal choice to have a child free life does not minimize them any more than it maximizes you. There is so much more to you than your biological capabilities. So, yeah... I'm a mother. It is one of the greatest joys of my life. Still, it is not my life. I refuse to be defined by my role as a mother. You should too. Find out who you are at the very core. I promise you you won't find a mother in that space.
REFLECTION IS THE KEY TO ALL UNDERSTANDING
I wish I could solve this Martyr Mom Mania in one blog post, but it ain't gonna happen. Frankly, it deserves more time and space. Discussing this phenomenon will be illuminating for us all. We need a cure. What drives women to give up themselves in the name of motherhood? Why is that lauded? Where do we learn this behavior? How can we unlearn it? How do we compartmentalize the many pieces and layers that make us who we are without dishonoring our true selves? How have you sacrificed yourself for the sake of motherhood? What effect did you experience as a result? Take some time to reflect on these questions. Pick one or two and journal about them. I wonder what you'll find out about you. Hey... love y'all. This is us on our journey to #ChooseYou. Until next time.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences -Stephanie
