Don’t get married. Don’t have kids. I said what I said. I got married and had a child in my late 20’s. I was 28. I would encourage every woman to wait at least that long. Secure education. Secure financial stability. Secure yourself. I’m a stay at home mom NOW, but when we met I was taking care of myself. So much of who we are as women is tied to how we interact with men. The ideology that if you’re not married or seriously dating, then something is wrong with you, must be killed.
There is no correlation between your value and your desire or ability to secure a man.
I can’t sleep. It is currently 2:06am and ya girl is sitting at the kitchen table talking to you. Not that I don’t enjoy y’all, but you know. The room is the right temperature, my bed is super comfy and I’m freakin sleepy. Not to mention my handsome, lightly snoring husband is up there. Buuuuuuut so is my toddler. So there’s that.
It’s raining cats and dogs, which usually equates to excellent sleep. Not today. Today I am awake. Because this rarely happens to me— I know something is up. I’ve always been a night owl, but this ain’t that. I am not currently choosing to be awake. My mind is trespassing. It won’t stop wandering over my life.
The entire cast is stellar, but I absolutely do have my favorite characters. Randall and Beth, otherwise known as R&B, are my dream characters. I see my husband and I in both of them. And isn’t referring to them as R&B, i.e. Rhythm and Blues, totally appropriate? Yesssss. Because sometimes marriage is all Ain’t Nobody(Chaka Khan) and other times it’s more End of the Road(Boys II Men). You feel me??
The last few weeks have almost exclusively focused on Randall and Beth. I’ve had some loving, harsh words for Randall recently. I love him SO much, but bruh has been T R Y I N G it. I’ll admit I lost faith in faith in him. I wasn’t sure his love for Beth was greater than his need to be seen and valued by the masses. His abandonment issues have always left him striving for worthiness outside of himself.
I’m so happy I was wrong. The sigh that escaped my body was definitely audible when I realized the two would find their way back to each other. They found the door. Even as a fictional couple, I understand the impact of authentic representation.
This isn’t the land of make believe and you don’t have the ability to see through walls or leap over buildings in a single bound no matter what your children, spouse, or other people in your life think. I know. I know. The idea of being able to do anything at any time sounds fascinating and productive. Other people believing you can do anything, at any time, regardless of circumstances makes you feel important and needed. Look at how proud they are of me doing everything under the sun. Look at your chest all puffed up with the “S” stamp. You can’t get enough of the accolades. You feel amped. You feel invincible. Thing is…. You’re not.
You are not invincible.
You cannot do anything at any time regardless of circumstance. You know who can? God. You, my friend, are not God. I can tell you who you will be if you keep this charade up though. Resentful. Yep. Resentful. And who wants to wear resentment as a badge of honor?
I have previously discussed the issue of dating. Even as a married woman I still have perspective. Partly because I have single friends. Partly because I wasn’t born married and partly because I have eyes and ears. As you know, I don’t claim to be an expert. Lord knows I made some poor choices as a single woman.
TWICE, I unknowingly dated married men. The signs were there. Flashing lights is more than a Kanye song. I simply ignored my intuition and common sense. We went out regularly. This threw me off because I had no idea the boldness philanderers operate in. Who takes the side chick out in public? You would be shocked. More than once, I have bumped into a married spouse on a date without their wife.
In my case, both men had limited availability, were extremely inconsistent and I never met anyone in their family. They never met anyone in mine either, but this is still a good indicator. If you never meet their family; be wary. Friends might approve or at least go along; family members rarely do. Someone in their family will burst your bubble. I’m not saying you should be paranoid. I’m just saying pay attention. In my case, I finally started adding things up and exited quickly
I will discuss shame and guilt often during our walk together. I see shame and guilt together as one dangerous pandemic… heart disease. The implications are far-reaching and catastrophic in their impact. Guilt and shame affect our worthiness… the essence of who we are as individuals. They tell us that we were complicit in what happened and in the manner in which it occurred. As such, we should be forever enslaved by the choices of our past. We don’t deserve joy. We don’t deserve peace. We don’t deserve restoration.
Of course those are all lies. Unfortunately, not enough people know this.
Someone is having a difficult time in their marriage right now. You are feeling angry, sad and resentful. You’re wondering if you made a mistake. Especially if you’re a newlywed. You’re sitting in your car or half working at your job trying to figure out how you arrived in your present space. Contemplating if it’s even worth the effort. You’re more like roommates than husband and wife maybe worse because you barely even speak to each other. The “D” word keeps coming up and you wonder if one day you’re gonna come home to find your mate has given up first.
Right now your heart is breaking more and more with thoughts regarding your expectations for your marriage and the reality of your marriage. When you were dating, your spouse was the best thing since sliced bread. Now he's just moldy yeast because even the best bread doesn’t stay fresh forever.
I’ve said it many times and I’ll say it again today. You are your only competition. The moment you start competing with other people; you've already lost. The only person I want to be better than is the woman I was yesterday. And listen, I think the woman I was yesterday is pretty dope, but I know on this journey there’s always room for growth. I cannot compare the today me against the today you because it is impossible to do and it just doesn’t make sense.
In scientific terms, when doing an experiment, to see the similarities and differences in something you would have to watch those things exclusively from start to finish; recording everything. You would need to know all variables or things effecting the subjects of the experiment. And therein lies the problem with social media. You can not see all the variables in the life of someone else.
This translates in adulthood to women who are environmental chameleons. Code switching as a dating mechanism. Ugh. A woman who transforms into who she thinks the man would find most agreeable. This is really so so tragic. It is a prison of your own design. This is why I cringe every single time I see a video of a man telling a woman how to find a man. It would be far more advantageous if she knew how to find herself. Maybe that’s not what the men in these videos really want… A woman who values her own identity more than she values attaching herself to a man to gain it. Yeah… That part.
The Other Women In His Life. I know this is a touchy area so I’m going to speak carefully. His momma is his momma baby girl. A man who loves his mother or his grandmother??? Yessssss!!! #IssaWin That man is going to love you deep. Yes… He will look for comparisons and connections. No. You are not his mother and you never will be, BUT he has chosen you as a reflection of her. She has built the best foundation for him to love you. She literally gave him life. Why do you resent the relationship? Why don’t you like her?
Marriage is a promise… a commitment in every moment to hold on to one another. It has nothing to do with how you feel. This isn’t directly discussed often enough. People feel shame about the state of their marriage because everyone wants to be viewed as #RelationshipGoals. In my opinion, #RelationshipGoals isn’t a couple who never shares a curt word, an exasperated tone or a rolled eye. #RelationshipGoals is when a couple has experienced a shaking, a disruption to everything that is comfortable, but still manages to see each other through it… minus resentment.
Maybe I’m a little old fashioned in this area. I don’t know. Getting a hand written note will literally bring a tear to my eye. All this texting and technology has taken so much of the human element out of what should be very personal interactions. Typed thank you cards??? I know it’s the quick way to do it. Have all the thank you cards pre-printed, sign them and just drop them in the mail. I’m not judging you. I’m just saying. The people in attendance didn’t take the quick way. They were thoughtful in their scheduling and they found money in their budget for you. You need to say thank you appropriately.
So, first we have to acknowledge the facts. We are plus size. We are overweight. We said we wanted to lead a more healthy lifestyle. We KEEP saying we want to lead a more healthy lifestyle. We had three seasons to get our life together. Fall, Winter and Spring have passed. We didn’t get our life together. To that end, we are still chubby. Is there anything wrong with that? Nope— Unless you want to be something else.
I thought I had somehow been cheated. I’m supposed to be in charge of everybody for the purpose of making life perfect. My thinking was unreasonable, unattainable and unfair to everyone, especially me. If you say you want to be happy, but can’t seem get happy and stay in that space; it’s probably because you are pursuing something other than happiness. For me, it was the ideals of marriage and motherhood; not the reality. I, with all my intellectual prowess, managed to confuse perfection with happiness. Too many make the same mistake.
So, check it: I’ll be the last person to ever tell you not to aim high. I self-published ten novels in less than three years. I’ve dedicated blog posts on perfecting the side hustle. Productivity is a specialty of mine.
But if you’re running out of steam and inspiration from burning the candle at both ends, what are you producing?
I am human. I am imperfect. I make mistakes. I sometimes need help. The authenticity necessary to acknowledge these truths is my only super power.
-Me
We’re all fascinated by superheroes. I mean… heroes unto themselves are pretty darn special. They go above and beyond what the world would consider reasonable. They run into burning buildings, fight in wars, keep our cities safe and engage in a plethora of other good deeds. In other words, heroes are dope. They make you want to be a better person for the good of those you like and love. And they do exist. Like— in real life.
Superheroes though? Yeah… no. They come from other planets. They get bitten by spiders and shoot webs from a part of their bodies where most people just have carpal tunnel. Superheroes turn green, get 100 times larger and burst out of their clothes when they get mad, but still wake up fully clothed after they’ve calmed down. Funny, that never happens to me. Wanna know why? Because I’m not a superhero. And neither are you… neither are you.
This isn’t the land of make believe and you don’t have the ability to see through walls or leap over buildings in a single bound no matter what your children, spouse, or other people in your life think. I know. I know. The idea of being able to do anything at any time sounds fascinating and productive. Other people believing you can do anything at any time regardless of circumstances makes you feel important and needed. Look at how proud they are of me doing everything under the sun. Look at your chest all puffed up with the “S” stamp. You can’t get enough of the accolades. You feel amped. You feel invincible. Thing is…. You’re not. You are not invincible.
You cannot do anything at any time regardless of circumstance. You know who can? God. You, my friend, are not God. I can tell you who you will be if you keep this charade up though. Resentful. Yep. Resentful. And who wants to wear resentment as a badge of honor? There was a time when I tried to be Superwoman. I ate it up. I bathed in it. I was a superhero to my husband and my children. When he would say, “You are my Superwoman.” I would just melt. I heard him saying… I value you. You are magnificent. What I internalized was: I can’t stop. I have to do everything. And I have to feel happy while doing everything. If not; I was failing as a wife and mother. What a crock of shit.
When my husband donned me Superwoman and I grinned and loved it; he was in effect absolving himself of his full duty as my husband and as the father of our children. He was all…. “Look at you doing every-damn-thing and being so great at it. Go ‘head Superwoman.” And at first I was all… “All shucks, Babe. I got it. What else can I do?” And then it got old. Real old. He’s still getting his haircut EVERY week and missing zero social outings? Meanwhile, I was considering shaving my head or growing locs— cuz who has time for hair? Eff this! I started to resent him, his haircuts, his trips to the bathroom alone… EVERYTHING. I was angry at him all the time for doing what I had given him permission to do.
Per usual, you came here for the truth and I’m serving it hot. Open your heart to receive this gift of enlightenment and use it to reflect on the roles you play in your home. You are your own undoing. Miserable as hell. Smiling through it all. Understand that your projection of ideals associated with what you believe motherhood and marriage should be is harming your mental and emotional health. It’s also wreaking havoc in your marriage and you don’t even know why. Why does the sound of him breathing annoy me? What’s taking him so long to get home from work? Why doesn’t he help me? Well… the helping part might be associated with your control issues and the fact that you believe only you can do things right, but I don’t have time to talk to you about that today. Let that sink in though.
So, what to do?? First, talk to yourself. You’re not perfect. Stop pursuing perfection. Chase progress. And listen… I don’t give a damn how easy your mother made it look— she was working harder than a one armed paper hanger. I wish my mother had told me just how hard she was working. I would have liked to appreciate her more as a child. Tell your children when their expectations are unreasonable and HOLD THE LINE. Finally, proclaim it like Karen White did. I’m Not Your Superwoman. Tell him. Your husband needs to here you say, “I’m only human.” Teach your children that momma is good, but she ain’t God. You need rest. You need help. You need affirmation. You need your hair done. And you need to take an unaccompanied dump every now and again. I’m just sayin. Listen… I love y’all. Tell the truth. Reject the Superwoman narrative. Be transparent… especially to the ones who love you best. And above all else #ChooseYou every chance you get.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences. -Stephanie
Full disclosure— I love seeing men being maternal. #NoShade to the paternal side because we need that too. Frankly, we need more blurring of these gender roles so that I don’t have to identify men taking care of children as “maternal”. I digress.
