"What's love got to do with it?"
-Terry Britten & Graham Lyle
I have a wedding anniversary coming up very shortly. Being the wife of my husband is one of the greatest joys and honors of my life. We were married at the end of our twenties which was impeccable timing for us both. Late enough that we both held a quantifiable amount of maturity, but early enough that we've been able to build a life. Within that framework, we’ve experience many highs. Not one to mince words-- there were definitely some lows mixed in too.
I’m not one of those people that pretends that marriage is all dinner by candle light and romantic walks on the beach. Sometimes, it’s harsh words and second thoughts. I like to think that all married folks are working towards the former. We all want to be happy; right? It’s just sometimes things fall off the rails. Stick with me though. I’m gonna share a few things I think I know about getting married and staying that way.
What I Think I Know About Getting and Staying Married
Selecting A Mate. This is where too many folks screw up. Even before we get to the marriage your life together is already doomed. Women… ladies this is 99% our issue. You must select your mate for who they are presently. PERIOD. Not for who he could be if his momma had loved him or if his daddy hadn’t left or his grandmomma hadn’t died when he was 9. A person is who they are. Accept that or keep it moving.
Before I met my husband I had my share of projects… fixer uppers. Thank you Lord for deliverance! Listen, there’s no extra credit for potential that actually pans out and there’s no sympathy when it doesn’t. “You complete me.” sounds so romantic, but when you break it down #IssaNo for me. There are plenty of “whole” men to choose from.
For the record, men know when we’re trying to mold them. They resent it. Unfortunately , they rarely confront your manipulation because they are typically benefitting in the process. We always think: I’m a great catch. He will be more motivated for me. He will be more committed for me. He will take care of his children for me. He will come home every night for me. Sis, it isn’t about you. You could literally be any woman and his behavior would be the exact same. What I learned— You cannot change a man. You will only magnify what’s already in him… for better or worse.
The Wedding Party. Maybe the issue here is the name. The people who stand up for you in your wedding are called your wedding party which infers festive spirits, good times and fun, fun fun. I think they should be renamed The People You Call Before You Smother His Snoring Ass with A Pillow or The People You Call Before You Empty The Saving Account Into Your Personal Account. Not that I would do either of those things. I’m just saying.
Choose your wedding party carefully. It’s not a popularity contest and it shouldn’t be treated as such. The people who stand next to you when you profess your love and commit to your love before God and countless other folks should be invested in your success as married folk. For real… because there will be times you will need to be talked off the ledge. Look, you call the wrong person… hell, they might push you. I could call anyone of the people who stood next to me all those years ago and each of them would remind me of why I said, ‘I do.”. That’s real.
Feelings Sway. Commitment Lasts. My fairy godmother Tina Turner said it best— What’s Love Got To Do With It? Turns out love’s got a lot less to do with it than I previously thought. Hollywood and Disneyland have romanticized love and marriage in such a way that if people aren’t feeling warm and fuzzy all the time they think their marriage is a failure.
I’m not mad at Hollywood and Disney. They’ve done their respective jobs. I am thoroughly entertained. Also, we should always aspire to the goodness we see in the representations they provide. Who doesn’t want “happily ever after? Still, we gotta know there’s more to marriage than the fact that it feels good… because sometimes it doesn’t.
Marriage is a promise… a commitment in every moment to hold on to one another. It has nothing to do with how you feel. This isn’t directly discussed often enough. People feel shame about the state of their marriage because everyone wants to be viewed as #RelationshipGoals. In my opinion, #RelationshipGoals isn’t a couple who never shares a curt word, an exasperated tone or a rolled eye. #RelationshipGoals is when a couple has experienced a shaking, a disruption to everything that is comfortable, but still manages to see each other through it… minus resentment.
It’s cooking dinner even when he pissed you off. It’s continuing to ignore ol’ girl at the office who keeps looking for an opportunity to be chosen even when you can’t remember the last time your wife looked sexy or wanted sex. It’s speaking a greeting even when you’re mad enough to spit. It’s saying nothing when you want to say fuck you. THAT PART. Hahahaha
I didn’t realize I had this much to say. I feel a series in my spirit. HA! Anyway, marriage is a beautiful thing, y’all. I’m grateful for all the moments… good, bad and in between. There is no other human on this planet for me. Even… ESPECIALLY when I am angry and wounded I am committed to us. That is how we have stayed married. In the times when we didn’t even want to share the same side of the street— We shared the same commitment. That’s it.
SIDENOTE: There are times in marriage when it is absolutely appropriate, necessary even to let go so you can hold onto to you. There is NO shame in that. To those who are navigating that journey: I love you. You are never judged here.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences. -Stephanie