“Dating multiple men doesn’t make you a ho. Deciding you’re a ho makes you a ho.”
-Stephanie D. Pearson-Davis
I’m going to write somethings today. I’m going to tell the truth about women and dating and men and life. Shit might get a little too real. If you get uncomfortable that probably means you have done the opposite of what I’m suggesting. Hell, I’ve done the opposite of what I’m suggesting. Take a deep breath and continue. If you read and wanna high five me that probably means you’ve fallen into some of the same pitfalls or you recognize them, but avoided them. In any case… No shame. No guilt.
We’re all doing the best we can until we know and can do better.
There are so many things I wish I could tell my younger self. Since that’s impossible I’m going to tell you and the universe. I’m hopeful that my younger readers will find something to help them on their way. I don’t know about you, but when I see younger women— I just want to take them to lunch and tell ‘em stuff. Not in a know-it-all, judgy way, but in a… "Lil sis, this is what I know”, kinda way.
I hope I am brave enough to have ALL these conversations with my daughters.
My 20’s feel like an eternity ago. When I think of it now, it’s hard to pinpoint who I was. And maybe that’s because becoming who you are is a lifelong endeavor.
There are some things I wish I knew and some things I did know, but didn’t consistently practice. Let’s talk.
Don’t date older men if you’re looking for love.
Older men LOVE younger women for various reasons annnnd younger women love older men for various reasons. I’m not mad at either preference. I’m just here to tell you— If you are a young woman, in your 20’s, do not date older men IF you’re looking for love. Why? Because most unmarried men in their 30’s are still pining over the woman they didn’t appreciate when they were in their 20’s. Hell, alotta women reading this are the one who got away. We know!
No matter what you do it will never be enough because you, my dear, are not the one who got away.
Have fun with that man. Enjoy new experiences with that man. Learn from that man. Seriously. As an older man, he SHOULD be able to teach you SOMETHING. But whatever you do; do not fall in love with that man. Move around. If you really feel that he is the one… even though I’m telling you he’s not… Let that man pursue you. Let him be after you like his life depends on it.
And even then…
Wait.
Don’t get married. Don’t have kids. I said what I said. I got married and had a child in my late 20’s. I was 28. I would encourage every woman to wait at least that long. Secure education. Secure financial stability. Secure yourself. I’m a stay at home mom NOW, but when we met I was taking care of myself. So much of who we are as women is tied to how we interact with men. The ideology that if you’re not married or seriously dating, then something is wrong with you, must be killed.
There is no correlation between your value and your desire or ability to secure a man.
As far as children go… Well, I love them. They are beautiful gifts. There is so much revelation to be discovered in your 20’s. You’re finally on your own trying to figure life out and there’s a lot of pressure to succeed in that space. You thought you bumped your head a lot as a teenager? Ha! Your 20’s are like, “Hold my beer.”.
Adding children to that equation? No thank you. Be clear. I am not throwing stones at anyone who did this differently. My house is glass. I’m saying what I think is best. At 28, my coping skills were finally coming together. The moment you become a mother, especially in the beginning, making room for yourself is a luxury. Yes. Children are a gift… so are you. Use your 20’s as a time to gift yourself with the experience of getting to know yourself. Some folks will say it’s selfish or whatever. So.
Quit your job.
The days of spending 30 years at one job are gone. Obviously, there are exceptions to the rule. If you love your job; keep your job. If you’re keeping your job because you’re comfortable and afraid to try something new; you’re doing yourself a major disservice. Wait a minute. I feel my privilege creeping up. Let me offer transparency.
I never worked a job I didn’t like for long. I was able to do this, in part, because I knew my parents wouldn’t let me starve or be homeless. I also had education and a degree. My parents legacy played a huge part in me feeling free enough to do what I wanted when I wanted. It still does.
I guess I’m saying in your 20’s you’re young enough to start over again and again. Do it.
Date Multiple Men.
Listen. Listen. Listen. Sex and dating are not synonymous. Date as many men as you have time for. Do not be slut shamed. I’m not saying have sex with everybody… unless that’s what you want. In that case, it’s your snapcat— Do what you want with it.
You need variety. How can you know what you like if you only have one thing? For instance, I used to think I only liked Red Delicious and McIntosh apples. Then, Mr. O’Connell introduced me to Honey Crisp apples. Chile, I don’t even eat other apples now (RIP Mr. O’Connell). When I decided to get married the same rule applied… I dated enough men to know with confidence that my husband would be my only choice for the rest of my life.
And while we’re on it. Stop trying to make every man you date or “date” a husband. Every man you meet is not husband material. Some men want the benefit of marriage without having a wife. Those men will never say, “You’re my girlfriend; stop acting like my wife.” Well, they might say that when you try to make them commit, but I digress.
You know what you get when you force a fart; right?
Remember: Wait. Sometimes it just is what it is. Chill. Have a good time. Every man you meet is not your future husband. Stop running after men. Find you some business. Stop being so available. Diversify your dating portfolio. Date multiple men until you find the one.
Dating multiple men doesn’t make you a ho. Deciding you’re a ho makes you a ho.
Please Yourself.
Do more of what makes you happy. Spend your 20’s figuring out what makes your heart flutter. Figure out how to make yourself happy so you can keep doing it for yourself over and over and over for the rest of your life. Give yourself beautiful clothing, fine jewelry, once in a lifetime trips and orgasms. A man isn’t required for any of that.
Men are conditioned to make room for themselves. Women are conditioned to make room for men. I want you to make room for yourself. When you figure out how to please yourself you will never allow a man in your space who cannot, minimally, do what you already do for you. Raise the bar for how you treat yourself. You deserve everything good. You are your number one priority.
Make sure you never give all your good to anyone.
GEEZ!!! I said a lot! Take what serves you; leave the rest. In every instance, lead a life of your choosing.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I am because I am have experiences. -Stephanie