“There are many types of loss and grief with varying degrees, swinging like a wrecking ball on a pendulum.”
-Stephanie D. Pearson-Davis
Sometimes, I call my mom and ask her how to do stuff I already know how to do.
For instance… the dressing for Thanksgiving. I want to hear her tell me to use fresh onions and green peppers even though frozen is easier and no one can tell the difference. Also, she knows I’m gonna use frozen and I know she’s gonna tell me not to, but I bring it up anyway. I love the inflections and laughter in her voice when she says, “Now Stephanie. You know I don’t do that.”
I call and ask for all the seasonings she puts on the standing rib roast. I know I should remember… I’ve watched her do it for at least a decade, and I kind of do, but I call her anyway.
I like the sound of her voice, guiding me… reassuring me.
It’s like that time I was making one of her signature dishes. I called her for the second time to double check something she’d already told me how to do. As we were getting off the phone I said, “I just don’t want to mess it up.” To which she replied,
“There is nothing you could do to mess it up. It’s going to be great.”
This is the evolution of me as a daughter, a mother, as a woman… A gift given to me by my mother. It was a lesson with multiple applications.
When I reflect, as I often do after I call my mom asking for information I already have, it always comes down to the same thing.
I know a day will come that I won’t be able to call. So, I make extra calls that seem unnecessary but are full of wanting and substance and need.
Yes. It makes me a little sad whenever I stop and consider the mortality of my mother… of my parents. It also makes me SUPER grateful that we are still in this space, on this side, where I can still call and hear her tell me to do things I already know how to do.
Today, I am so aware of people who are in a state of missing. I’m thinking of people who are dealing with disappointment, loss and grief.
To be clear, there are many types of loss and grief with varying degrees, swinging like a wrecking ball on a pendulum.
And death isn’t the only pathway to grief. Grief can come from an anticipated loss. When you know that while you still presently have something, you will lose it imminently.
Consider folks who are in the process of divorce, a friendship that is on the rocks, abortion, layoffs, illness that causes loss of body function or lifestyle. Someone just found out their baby no longer has a heartbeat. Someone else has a home in foreclosure or found out their parent has 4 weeks to live. In the last month, I have heard of at least four different missing women.
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The truth is, people all around us are grieving for different reasons and at varying intensities.
Maybe I am in tune in this way because I have experienced heartbreak and loss many times. I know what it’s like to miss a relationship, a life, a feeling. Perhaps, loss is what makes us grateful or loss is what magnifies gratitude. I don’t know— There’s a part of me that thinks we are all grieving in some way over something. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that my story doesn’t include grief from loss of my parents or any of the other people in my life that love me BIG.
Consider people in your life who may be missing someone or something today. Send up a prayer or hold a good thought for them. Maybe even pick up the phone and invite them to be with your family… just let them know that even though the loneliness feels suffocating— breath is available to them with you and yours.
Happy Holidays, my friends. Happy Holidays. BE GRATEFUL.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences.