Don’t get married. Don’t have kids. I said what I said. I got married and had a child in my late 20’s. I was 28. I would encourage every woman to wait at least that long. Secure education. Secure financial stability. Secure yourself. I’m a stay at home mom NOW, but when we met I was taking care of myself. So much of who we are as women is tied to how we interact with men. The ideology that if you’re not married or seriously dating, then something is wrong with you, must be killed.
There is no correlation between your value and your desire or ability to secure a man.
Imagine a female president or vice-president—Not just on television, but in real life. I mean, I love the idea of women knocking over walls and breaking glass ceilings. I just don’t want it at the expense of someone standing on my head.
I have previously discussed the issue of dating. Even as a married woman I still have perspective. Partly because I have single friends. Partly because I wasn’t born married and partly because I have eyes and ears. As you know, I don’t claim to be an expert. Lord knows I made some poor choices as a single woman.
TWICE, I unknowingly dated married men. The signs were there. Flashing lights is more than a Kanye song. I simply ignored my intuition and common sense. We went out regularly. This threw me off because I had no idea the boldness philanderers operate in. Who takes the side chick out in public? You would be shocked. More than once, I have bumped into a married spouse on a date without their wife.
In my case, both men had limited availability, were extremely inconsistent and I never met anyone in their family. They never met anyone in mine either, but this is still a good indicator. If you never meet their family; be wary. Friends might approve or at least go along; family members rarely do. Someone in their family will burst your bubble. I’m not saying you should be paranoid. I’m just saying pay attention. In my case, I finally started adding things up and exited quickly
Date who you want when you want. Put yourself in a situation where you have choices. Men always have choices. That’s why he’s texting what are you doing instead of CALLING to ask your availability. TRUST… someone is getting a call— It’s just not you.
Wanna know something else? I don’t care what he tells you. New Year’s Eve is one of the best relationship barometers. He is not just chillin at the crib on Christmas or New Year’s Eve. His insistence that he just isn’t a big fan of holidays is a lie. New Year’s Eve is the climax of “Do we go together or not” season. If you and your significant other are not together on any of these holidays, but especially New Year’s Eve... one of you isn't significant. *blank stare* If the person you're "dating" hasn't asked you out yet— he has another date and again... One of you isn't significant.
Revealing my struggles felt like weakness. Until recently, I prided myself on being the strong one. So, I refused to disclose the fullness of my pain. But people love me. Without fail, they all wanted to comfort me. They all wanted to fill in the places I could not. A few wanted to know everything. Others wanted to get by with as little information as possible. And I get it. I think people understand the complexities of choosing to have a hysterectomy.
After all, 40 it is relatively young to remove reproductive organs. In this day and age many women, at 40, are just embarking on their first pregnancy. Women are choosing to a party, travel and pursue their careers as priorities over marriage and children. I, of course, think this is wonderful. It means that more women are choosing to invest in the desires of their own hearts rather than the desires of their circle of influence or the insistence of the world that marriage and motherhood define womanhood.
Women, we need to share our stories. Your friend is smiling every day and is devastated by things she thinks she can’t discuss with you. She’s struggling with something you can’t see. Your daughter thinks she needs to suck it up because you did. Tell her the truth… your truth. Admit you wish you didn’t have to suck it up. Tell your daughter about the mistakes of your youth. Be as specific or as vague as your comfort level will allow, but tell the truth.
Too many of us suffer in pain and silence because of perceived judgment, shame and stigma. When we speak truth by sharing our stories we normalize those things we were once ostracized and isolated by. Do you know how many times I have revealed something and heard… Are you serious, Stephanie??? Me too! Telling the truth helps you reclaim your power. It draws you to women who have yet to secure the footing it takes to stand tall and speak their truth. Truth unifies. Telling the truth says I know I am enough.
My experiences do not minimize me; they elevate me.
Women are so accustomed to taking care of others. We get taught this from a very young age in a way in which our male counterparts are not. It’s that dangblasted patriarchal society that conditions us. Girls take care of everyone. Not because it makes them happy, but because that’s what womenfolk are for. *chuckle Anyway, we really need to figure out how to carve out time and resources for the expressed purpose of bringing ourselves joy and relaxation.
Imagine a female president or vice-president—Not just on television, but in real life. I mean, I love the idea of women knocking over walls and breaking glass ceilings. I just don’t want it at the expense of someone standing on my head.
If you’re the one saying I don’t hang with women because DOT DOT DOT reasons… If you subscribe to a women are too messy ideology… If you’re an I-stay-to-myself-because-people-start-too-much-stuff-that’s-why-I-don’t-have-any-friends type of individual… It’s not me or them. It’s you. The problem is you. You are the people starting too much stuff. You are the messy boots. You are the singular reason you don’t have any friends.