The only way to have a friend is to be one.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
I’m just gonna get right to it today. If you don’t have any friends… No good girlfriends… If you don’t have a single person you can call when stuff gets too hard…. If you’re the one saying I don’t hang with women because DOT DOT DOT reasons… If you subscribe to a women are too messy ideology… If you’re an I-stay-to-myself-because-people-start-too-much-stuff-that’s-why-I-don’t-have-any-friends type of individual… It’s not me or them. It’s you. The problem is you. You are the people starting too much stuff. You are the messy boots. You are the singular reason you don’t have any friends.
Just like that? Yep. Just like that. And don’t even try that introvert stuff because I come from that place and still I’ve always had friends. Now I’ll be honest. I used to be a No New Friends connoisseur. I mean I could strong arm someone better than a middle linebacker. In my younger years I experienced a major betrayal by a friend. This led me to keep my circle extremely small. I used to joke that I had 3.5 friends, but it was true. Don’t ask who the half was. There were times I knew I was limiting myself, but I was afraid to let people get close.
So maybe that’s your issue. You’re afraid of being hurt. Somewhere down the line you had your heart broken and you haven’t recovered from that. Fine. But what kind of life exists without the fellowship of friends? I don’t want to know it. I’m proud to say that I’ve given up my No New Friends mantra. I enjoy getting to know new people. And listen…. Every person I meet doesn’t become a friend and some folks who become friends cease to be friends. What I refuse to do is limit myself by refusing friendship to everyone. Instead, I prefer to let people in and see where the relationship takes us organically.
Still, in order to enjoy friendship you need to know HOW to be a friend. Here goes:
Share Your Truth
Sharing your truth gives others permission to do the same. Be ashamed of nothing. Obviously, discernment is necessary. Everyone doesn’t deserve to know all of you. Be honest about who you are and who you are not. No need to phony kick it in order to get in good with someone. We don’t do dishonesty. Faking it gets old quickly. I, for one, would rather rip my whole dress off than to have my slip show.
Affirm The Relationship
Tell your friends that you appreciate them. Send a greeting card. Even better— write a hand written note. Say thank you. Articulate their value in your life. Everyone wants to know the ways in which they positively effect your life. Say, “I love you”. I am so grateful for friends who can say those words to me. I am even more grateful that their actions SHOW their love for me. Great friendships don’t exist without vulnerability. Open yourself up and let the love out… and in.
Make Time For Fellowship
I’m SO busy! Blah. Blah. Blah. Stop it. You’re not that busy. Even Beyonce and Warren Buffet have time to eat. So do you and your friends. Money’s an issue? I got you. Meet at the library or someone’s house for a book club. Library memberships are free and so is the space on my couch. The value of coming together with others to share life is severely underrated. Make time for your friends. Decompress, laugh, cry, tell dirty jokes or read the Bible… I don’t care. Just create and cultivate safe spaces for each other to simply BE.
Clear The Air
Ummmm yeah folks… Ain’t nobody perfect. Yes, I said ain’t. No relationship is perfect. People make poor choices. People can be selfish. People can be inconsiderate. Toes get stepped on. Feelings get hurt. Leave room for imperfection in your relationships. If you don’t build a pedestal the folks you love won’t fall so far. HEAR ME. If you don’t build a pedestal; the folks you love won’t fall so far. Get off your soapbox, dial down your self-righteousness and honor your friendship by saying what you need to say to the individual who needs to hear it.
Forgive
I don’t know about y’all but when my feelings get hurt and I feel I’ve been wronged; I shut down. Now this is learned behavior and we’ll talk about unforgiveness at a later date. I get stuck on the initial transgression and I have a hard time releasing the hurt. This behavior makes it extremely difficult to mend broken fences. Be better. Remember what I said about pedestals. Free yourself and repair a worthy friendship with forgiveness.
That’s it folks! How do you display friendship? In what specific ways do you excel in friendship? How could you improve as a friend? When a friend disappoints you how do handle it? If you were teaching Be A Friend 102 what would you add? I love reflecting and talking about friendships. So this won’t be the last time class is in session. Leave your comments here so we can discuss. As always, I love you. See you soon.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences. -Stephanie