That’s where I found myself… overwhelmed, sad and tired. So much so that I actually went to the doctor. I thought I was sick. I told him that I was just so tired and no matter how much I rested; I never felt like it was enough. Then he asked me about my mental emotional state. At first I was confused. Like, what do my emotions have to do with me being tired? Apparently, everything. My dear friend, restorative justice guru, Dr. Shaniqua Jones says, “Sleep won’t help if it’s your soul that’s tired.”. I don’t know if truer words have ever been spoken. My soul was tired.
I went home that day and reevaluated my… everything. I didn’t even realize how my inability to reconcile my choices against the expectations of other folks was effecting me. This is why it is so important to be dialed into yourself. You need to reflect and question yourself about yourself.
I’m leaning into transparency and vulnerability today.
I want to apologize.
Life is hard. I don’t look at the world through rose colored lenses. I don’t think anyone should. I think you should work towards the life you want until you see the life you want. While I believe you can choose to be happy; I know it’s more nuanced than just deciding. For my friends and readers who are living with depression and anxiety. I see you. I am you.
Social media in theory is an amazing tool for enhancing relationships. Too many of us are using it as the canvas for our relationships when it should only be one of the brushes we use to paint. It’s one way to manage relationships; not the only way. It’s supposed to bring us together, but the truth is that it does the exact opposite. It gives a false sense of unity because you can see what’s going on in the lives of others even when you’re not an active participant. Some of our friends are at the end of their proverbial rope and we don’t know because we’re using Facebook pictures and posts to determine their mental and emotional well being. You think you know what’s going on, but you really have no idea.
Smiling faces tell lies.
For me, it’s the difference between shopping online and walking into the store. From the comfort of your device you can see the color, size and fabric. That is good information. But… You cannot feel the weight of the material, the vibrance of the color or how it fits on your body.
It is irresponsible to do all the housework in a home full of able bodied individuals. Put your mini-me’s to work. They need to understand what it takes for everything in the house to GO! I don’t know about y’all, but there isn’t a magic fairy that puts away groceries and washes dishes at my house. So... my children do it🤷🏽♀️😂.
I love my lil babies. There are few things that bring me greater joy than their happiness, but their happiness cannot come at the expense of me. The happiness of your children is not more important that you. So, while we work hard to provide them with a particular lifestyle; they need to understand that it is their shared responsibility to help maintain it… all of it.
Someone is having a difficult time in their marriage right now. You are feeling angry, sad and resentful. You’re wondering if you made a mistake. Especially if you’re a newlywed. You’re sitting in your car or half working at your job trying to figure out how you arrived in your present space. Contemplating if it’s even worth the effort. You’re more like roommates than husband and wife maybe worse because you barely even speak to each other. The “D” word keeps coming up and you wonder if one day you’re gonna come home to find your mate has given up first.
Right now your heart is breaking more and more with thoughts regarding your expectations for your marriage and the reality of your marriage. When you were dating, your spouse was the best thing since sliced bread. Now he's just moldy yeast because even the best bread doesn’t stay fresh forever.
I thought I had somehow been cheated. I’m supposed to be in charge of everybody for the purpose of making life perfect. My thinking was unreasonable, unattainable and unfair to everyone, especially me. If you say you want to be happy, but can’t seem get happy and stay in that space; it’s probably because you are pursuing something other than happiness. For me, it was the ideals of marriage and motherhood; not the reality. I, with all my intellectual prowess, managed to confuse perfection with happiness. Too many make the same mistake.
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
-Dalai Lama
Somebody stiffed me y’all and I am pissed… and conflicted. I paid someone money for a product. They took my money and provided nothing. And while I am pissed; like put a cape on my ass pissed #SuperPissed, I am also feeling very sad and sorry for this individual. Before you go there— I’m being 100 percent genuine. No facetiousness. This person is a gifted artist and a gem of a human being. Period. I discovered those traits about him after many conversations and emails regarding the work he was contracted to do and life in general. So, more than I want to strangle him for leaving me high and dry; I want to wrap him in hugs and love. I think that’s what he needs most right now.
Ummm…. Stephanie? What are you saying? To be honest, a part of me isn’t sure because I’m still processing. Maybe I haven’t even let the dust settle enough, but I felt like talking to you guys about it. I think that sometimes people do stuff for inexplicable reasons. Sometimes they do it directly to us, sometimes to themselves and sometimes we catch the heat from what they thought was only effecting them. Collateral damage is more than a mediocre Arnold Schwarznegger film. His life is in shambles right now. Rather than call me, email me or write a message in the sky and say that to me; he’s hiding from me… under guilt and shame.
Now at this point we all know how I feel about guilt and shame. I rebuke it in the name of Jesus! No. Seriously. I’m no bible thumper, but I know some things. And I know that we were not created to live a life weighted with guilt and shame. Funny thing is my first thought about “the homie” was indeed anger and disappointment before I reflected on the circumstances more comprehensively. I legit had an Aha! moment like…. Dude, you have to live your message. Wait, what? Yep. You gotta BE who you say you are. I’m not gon lie I had an attitude about the revelation. I wanted to call him and go IN. Do you hear me??? IN!!! Instead, I thought about the space he might be in and the damage I might cause him by unleashing my verbal arsenal. Plus, it’s unlikely that my verbal explosion was going to miraculously cause him to crawl out of the funk of things to keep his word anyway. More than all that, I knew I could encourage, uplift and set expectations without demoralizing him or increasing his guilt and shame. I’m just not about that life anymore.
So where are we now? I haven’t heard from him. He didn’t complete the work or return my money. Still, my message to him remains… Take care of you. Take care of you. Am I disappointed and annoyed? Hella. It cost me more than the money. A lot of time and energy went in to the work we were doing together. But my heart… my soul is in tact. His is not. So hold a good thought for this man as I am. Check on your friends who are living with depression and anxiety. Be kind to folks even when they piss you off. You don’t know the road they’re on… Don’t be the car that runs them over. Peace y’all. As always #ChooseYou. Love you and see you soon.
If you or anyone you know is suffering from depression or anxiety; there's help. Do not suffer in silence. Visit www.nami.org or www.blindfaithchgo.org. Take care of you!
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences -Stephanie
