“Nothing about me is fraudulent. You’re either seeing me or you’re seeing yourself.”
Stephanie D. Pearson-Davis
I don’t have a lot of words today. I am currently in my feelings in a way that makes me very uncomfortable. Long story short— I feel sad. I have no reasons, nothing has happened. I just feel heavy. It’s like something is wrong; I just don’t know what it is.
I had a hysterectomy last October. Overall, I feel great in terms of pain. Pain reduction was the primary reason for the surgery. So— YAAAAAAY!, for being virtually pain free.
While I have zero regret for undergoing a hysterectomy, I was unprepared for the emotional instability that now occurs at least once a month. So, that might be why I’m feeling out of sorts. I no longer have a uterus. I no longer bleed, but I have every other component of a monthly cycle I had before; plus some new stuff. The hell is this? SMH.
In the last six months I discovered PMS is a real thing… many things. That probably sounds silly, but it’s my experience. Growing up, I was taught we don’t do PMS. *Kanye shrug* I really believed people were just being extra. Even after I found myself writhing in pain, vomiting and in tears from my own menstruation issues, I believed we were all experiencing the same thing, the same way. A period is a period. If I was making it through, everyone else could too. I thought PMS was White people stuff. See what silence does???
Anyway…
I regularly write about joy. I write about pursuing it, getting it and maintaining it. For me, the absence of joy dims the light on everything. I think it’s easy to see why I would attempt to convince or otherwise influence folks to get some joy… to be happy. On my social media pages I post visually attractive, insightful, short collections of words encouraging people to just decide to be happy. Just decide.
Sidenote:
Personal evolution is hard y’all. The idea of evolving is on trend right now. Celebrities and influencers are always talking about it. They beam about how it changed their life and how they see things so much more clearly. Great for them. Unfortunately, no one talks about how hard it really is… evolving.
To look at shit you’ve been doing your whole life and determine that so much of that is in direct opposition to living an authentic, full life… that’s difficult. The admission of that is — WHEW!! Then, once you determine that you’ve actually been working against the person you want to be; you have to actively work to unlearn a lifetime of toxic conditioning— So that you can lead a full, true life.
I intended to publish something completely different today, but I felt it would be fraudulent for me to do so. And nothing about me is fraudulent. You’re either seeing me or you’re seeing yourself. #ProjectionVersusReflection
I’m leaning into transparency and vulnerability today.
I want to apologize.
Life is hard. I don’t look at the world through rose colored lenses. I don’t think anyone should. I think you should work towards the life you want until you see the life you want. While I believe you can choose to be happy; I know it’s more nuanced than just deciding. For my friends and readers who are living with depression and anxiety. I see you. I am you.
I apologize if my words have minimized your experience. My intention is to support and elevate. I know you’re trying. I know you’re in the darkest room you’ve ever been in. I know you’re scared. I know you’re tired of people telling you to just _____ whatever… like depression is an overcoat and you only need to take it off and put on your “happy” duster. I know it is so much more nuanced than that. When I say joy and peace are a choice I’m saying:
Choose to confide in someone you trust.
Choose to pray.
Choose to get off the couch.
Choose to do yoga.
Choose to take a vacation.
Choose to have dinner with friends.
Choose to explore your passion.
Choose to try something new.
Choose to leave the house.
Choose to exercise.
Choose to rid your life of toxic people.
Choose to find a new job.
Choose to see a therapist.
Choose to see a psychiatrist.
Choose to take your meds.
Choose YOU.
I wrote this because while I was going through my emotional toolbox for ways to be happy today, I still couldn’t shake the overwhelming sense of sadness. That caused me to reflect on people who live with these feelings every moment of every day. I thought… I’m trying to help, but maybe I’m hurting people who don’t see my messages as a comprehensive collective.
It is important for me to acknowledge that I am figuring out how to understand and navigate the murky territory of anxiety and depression. I am a natural fixer. Oh. You’re sad? Let me solve that problem for you. I am working on that part of me. Just know that my content is a supplement to the real work that needs to be done.
Anxiety is real. Depression is real. Neither of them come with an on/off switch. You are in the fight of your life for your life. I support you. I hope my words elevate you.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m hear because I have experiences. -Stephanie