The holiday season is fully upon us. There’s less than one week before Christmas and I am super excited. Christmas is a family favorite. Obviously, the children love it because… GIFTS. I’ve tried to provide the giving is better than receiving narrative and they think that’s great and all, but they’re children. So yeah… YAY GIFTS!!! Hahaha!
I grew up in a house where Christmas was a big deal. I mean, multiple Christmas trees, decorations everywhere, gifts galore and the joy of the season in abundance. My mother orchestrated the production of Christmas and injected it into everyone around her. So, it still stands. The tradition is firmly planted.
Imma be honest though. Christmas stresses me out. We have four children. That’s a lot of seasonal “joy” to spread around. And it’s not even all the money. Trust— there’s a lot of it being spent. It’s the doing of it all. And I’m conflicted; right? Because I love the outcome of the doing. I even actually love the act of doing, but it is also wearing me out.
When people see you, you look good. People love you, you laugh a lot… by societies standards you’re successful, you have friends and you’re gorgeous. You don’t see what they see.
Depression distorts the lens of your life.
You don’t see whole reflections. Your view is produced by a dirty, broken mirror.
The first thing you hear when you wake up, the last thing you hear before you go to bed and in every single free space in between, your mind hears that sad song and those demeaning words together, infinitely looped… convincing you that this world and you would be better served without your existence.
I thought she just needed to warm up to the new school year. We were in a new grade, in a new building. Transitions can be challenging. I reasoned that anyone might need a few days to settle in. Then, things quickly escalated. She didn’t want to go to school. The final straw was when I had to go pick her up 2 days in a row because the office called me with her bawling in the background.
Up until that point I thought she was having a little separation anxiety. Which would have been standard. But, it wasn’t that she was crying. It was the way she was crying. The desperation and fear. The way she clung to me let me know that something was very wrong. This was more than separation anxiety. My girl… my effervescent star was losing her shine.
I am in my feelings today. In my feelings: An indirect acknowledgement of sadness, regret or some other negative emotion... Usually inexplicable. It's in the same nonsensical family as when you're feeling "some type of way". Other people have no idea what you're talking about when you use these phrases, but you do... even if you can't explain it. That is me right now-- Simultaneously in my feelings and feeling some type of way. I want to understand this space I'm in badly so I can fix it. Is this hormones? Menopause, maybe?
I’m leaning into transparency and vulnerability today.
I want to apologize.
Life is hard. I don’t look at the world through rose colored lenses. I don’t think anyone should. I think you should work towards the life you want until you see the life you want. While I believe you can choose to be happy; I know it’s more nuanced than just deciding. For my friends and readers who are living with depression and anxiety. I see you. I am you.
I’m a sunshine girl. The sun makes me feel invigorated. It makes anything that I am doing so much better. It’s funny because as much as I love the actual sun; I am a huge proponent of carrying your sunshine on the inside. I determine my mood; not the weather. I am the thermostat.
Still, I’m not feeling it today. Which proves the journey of positive thinking and practice is ongoing.
Reflection helps me to be more intentionally empathetic. As an individual who isn’t living with anxiety, depression or grief, but who still feels”UGH!” During repeated overcast days; how do folks who regularly live with these negative emotions feel?
I am in my feelings today. In my feelings: An indirect acknowledgement of sadness, regret or some other negative emotion... Usually inexplicable. It's in the same nonsensical family as when you're feeling "some type of way". Other people have no idea what you're talking about when you use these phrases, but you do... even if you can't explain it. That is me right now-- Simultaneously in my feelings and feeling some type of way. I want to understand this space I'm in badly so I can fix it. Is this hormones? Menopause, maybe?
I cannot imagine the turmoil, the pain, the absolute heartbreak of her absence in my life. As Mother’s Day approaches many will be faced with the reality of more than “almost”. They will wake up every single day with their beloved mothers still in heaven. While the Christian thing to do is to rejoice knowing that she is with her heavenly father… the heart of a motherless child can hardly find peace; let alone rejoice.
So when people came to our home to drink and eat and be merry, but didn’t share the love I didn’t understand. What does it mean to share the love? Some might view this response as petty or punitive, but I’m just here to share my truth. If my truth doesn’t resonate with you—you might just be the kind of person who doesn’t share the love.
I was enjoying music as I often do when it struck me that I hadn’t listened to Ed Sheeran in a while. So I went to his album and chose one of my favorite songs on it. Supermarket Flowers. My dad, also a music lover, was the one who introduced me to this song. I immediately loved it. Yes it’s melancholy, but it’s beautiful. Music is about more than a beat. So I’m always here for whatever it makes me feel. I just didn’t expect to feel it in the McDonald’s drive-thru.
I experienced my first really great loss in many years this summer. Did I just quantify death? Yes. Yes I did. If we’re honest there are levels to everything… even the feelings we have for people in death. Anyway, she was an amazing woman. An elder, a mentor and also my friend. My dear friend. So I’m listening to this song and then I feel that thing in my throat and the sting in my eye right after I ordered hotcakes for Blake. “Are you gonna cry, Stephanie? Yes, and there’s nothing I can do about it.” File that exchange under conversations with myself. Lyrically, the song is just… Whew!
“A heart that’s broke is a heart thats been loved”
“And I know that when God took you back he said Hallelujah. You’re home.”
— Super Market Flowers Ed Sheeran
My God!!! We’re lucky I didn’t have to call my husband to come get me from that drive-thru. There’s so much to unpack in the first lyric. We have to pay a price; don’t we? If we love wholly and are loved wholly when that love ends it’s gonna hurt. And it’s gonna hurt badly. Knowing what I know about that hard truth I’m still gonna love hard as I can. Because those 12 years we had together… even just the last 3 or 4… they were worth every single time I’ve picked up the phone forgetting she wouldn’t be there on the other end… worth every tear I was able to swallow back and worth every one that leapt from my eyelid and ran down my cheek. Love is always worth it. Even with its’ sometimes shitty expiration date.
As we lumber towards the most joyous time of the year. We must be aware that what brings joy to others may usher in a very real pain for others. I try to be mindful of this every year, but especially this year when I am missing my friend. When her loving husband, children, grandchildren and other friends are thinking about what this new normal is going to be like. I cannot count the number of people I have seen grieving great losses this year. It lead me to think… what can I do to help? What can we do to help?
Checking in on friends who are grieving is a great way to let them know they are not alone. After all, loneliness, the feeling that no one understands is a large part of grief. And it’s true. We don’t understand and we shouldn’t assert such. The loss of my grandmother is not the same as the loss of yours. It is disrespectful to claim understanding. Instead, ask: What can I do? Would you like some company? Do you have plans for the holiday? Do you wanna hang with me? Also, this isn't about you. Realize that you could offer yourself up as a soft place to land and your offer may get declined. Respect that.
All sorts of emotions get stirred up during the holiday season. Be there for who you can when you can. And in the middle of it all remember to live the life you’ve been given as completely as possible. For me, that’s how we truly honor those who have gone on before us. And listen, love is a verb. Love those you say you love. When it’s over it’s over. As for my friend, I know when God took her back He said, Hallelujah. I know she’s home— and that…. that brings me joy. Give love. Be loved. Live this life fully. Choose you. Until next time…. Merry Christmas. Love y’all.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences.
