5 Easy Ways To Turn Down The Jerk In You- With Love, Stephanie

Take care, be kind, be considerate of other people and other species, and be loving.

-John Lithgow

You don’t want to be a jerk anymore? Wonderful. What’s the problem? What's keeping you from being great? The problem is most people who engage in poor behavior don’t know they’re acting a donkey or they don’t know how to stop. Well, I got you. The following is a quick go to list of how to be a better you. You’re welcome.

1.    Don’t Walk Your Dog Without Doggy-do Bags

I’m saying…. What if humans walked around dropping deuces everywhere?  We don’t.  Why? Because it’s disgusting and unsanitary.  Your dog is no better than a human. Again… your dog is no better than a human.  In fact, the last time our kids asked for a dog; we had another baby. They’re less work. If you have an aversion to picking up excrement please excuse yourself from both parenting and dog ownership. I mean- I don’t want to step in your doggy’s do or have my child grab a cartwheel hand full of dog shit anymore than human excrement. It’s waste. There is a place for your dogs poo. Those places do not include my yard or ANY public place.

2.    Don’t Select An Aisle Seat

Yes! Aisle seats are convenient. You didn’t hear it here first. You know because of experience. When you sit on the aisle you can move freely without guilt. You don’t have to consider that you will have to say excuse me to 50-11 people prior to your move to go potty, grab a snack or take a phone call. THAT SAID… do not get your undies in a bunch when the “insiders” wanna get out.  We have all experienced the deep breathing, eye rollers who get annoyed when they have to get up every time someone wants to exit. I used to consider how badly I needed to leave the aisle if I witnessed an aisle person getting annoyed. Not anymore. You choose you lose.

3.    Sitcho Ass Down

I’m allowed to have two or more seemingly contradictory thoughts at the same time. I’m complex like that.  Look, life is just better if we consider the feelings of others as we traverse daily life. If you choose an inside seat don’t try to accumulate all of your activity tracker steps after the show has started. People around you will hate you.  They will wish split ends, ashy ankles and stubbed toes on you. And those wishes will be granted because you, my friend, are an inconsiderate asshole. Sitcho ass down.

4.    Don’t Stare

What. Are. You. Looking. At?  I squint my eyes, tilt my head, twist my lips ever so slightly and say those words when I find that someone is staring at me. Staring is rude folks. Harmless?Maybe. Rude? Definitely. I get it. Some people are intriguing. You find yourself wanting a better, longer look and you hold your gaze for just longer than what’s appropriate. So what’s appropriate? Three seconds. It’s what I’ve taught my children. Three seconds. That’s it. That’s all you get. So what if you need more time? They have rainbow hair, they’re rocking a unibrow that’s thicker than Alaga syrup or like me; they’re gorgeous. You need more time. Worry not. You have choices. I’ll give you the best two for free. Smile and/or say some variation of “Hello”. Speak to the person! For goodness sake! Things don’t have to get weird. 

5.    Move Your Mango *insider*

I am a reasonable individual. It’s ok that you’ve been to McDonald’s a thousand times and you still don’t know what you want when it’s your turn to order. You get no judgement from me on that front. Here’s where you and I fall out. I’m behind you in line knowing what I want. Each time you turn your head to the right and left as you review the unchanging menu to reassess the desires of your palette— I think about all the ways that you should be repaid for your disregard of your fellow man and woman. Split ends, stubbed toes, cold fries, no dipping sauce for your nuggets, red lights the entire way home, insomnia, hang nails, constipation, ashy ankles, no toilet tissue in your stall… I could go on and so could those folks waiting behind me. If you don’t know what you want step aside, move your mango to the left or to the right and let the rest of us move forward in gluttony.

Here’s the bottom line, friends. It comes down to mutual respect and consideration for those around you.  When you think about it, any conflict gets boiled down to mutual respect and consideration. Jerky folks rarely have these attributes. So, if you recognized yourself in this short list know that’s it’s time to make a change. That’s it for now folks. But because there’s no shortage; I will extend this list as I see people do new assholely things. Hey! Choose you. Today and everyday. Love y’all. See you soon.

I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences.

-Stephanie

Apologize.

More people should apologize, and more people should accept apologies when sincerely made.

-Greg LeMond

I apologized to a stranger. I was wrong. I acknowledged I was wrong. I apologized. The end; right? Noooo… not the end. The ease of my apology struck me. You guys know me. Usually looking for the lesson. Ever reflecting... The apology came out as naturally as my breath. I didn’t need to be goaded into an apology.  She didn’t tell me I owed it to her. No one needed to explain to me the err of my ways. I just did it and to a stranger no less.  I mean that was the big part for me. It lead me to consider the difficulty often faced when we need to apologize to the ones we say we hold most dear. So what is it? Why don’t we just do it?

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My britches had been in the biggest bunch because our beloved school district had yet to mail out school schedules, class assignments and such. So I called the school haughtily and asked when they would be mailed. The woman told me they wouldn’t be mailed until the end of the week. Insert my “Whatchu talkin ‘bout Willis?” face because school was to start the next week. When I began to contend that I didn’t understand why they were waiting so long this year, the woman says, “Well school doesn’t start for two more weeks. So…” Wait. WHAT??? 

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See my “job” includes, but is not limited to handling all things child related.  How did I get this wrong? Well, to make a long story go away— I have one child in the high school district and he started school the week before the elementary school district. I was confused. It was on me; not the school district. I quickly said, “I am so sorry. Thank you. Have a wonderful day!” I apologized. I was all puffed up about what I felt was an inadequacy on their part. Turns out the inadequacy belonged to me this time. Not in a bad way, but just in a owning my shit kinda way. So I apologized.

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Think about all the times you have bumped into or stepped on the toe of a stranger. Immediately, the transgression is acknowledged. ‘My goodness! I’m so sorry! Please excuse me!” Hell, if you walk in front of someone looking at which canned green beans they want in aisle 6; you apologize.  So what’s the deal?  We have people in our lives whom we say we love, but when we wrong them we look for every reason not to apologize. “That’s just how I am.”  “He knows I didn’t mean it like that.”  “She’s too damn sensitive.”   

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We really need to search our hearts on this one. Humility is a beautiful attribute. Unfortunately, it has been connected to weakness and inferiority. So, instead of reaching towards a loved one; we push off with harsh words and or the ever popular silence and estrangement. Decide today if that thing between you and “them” could be resolved with a very simple, but genuine… “I apologize. I would love to move forward. How can we do that?”  Ignore your inner voice that keeps telling you that humbly, sincerely apologizing is tantamount to kissing ass.

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Hey! I love y’all.  You know that.  Do better. Humility is resilient and strong. Love the people you love in the natural; before folks go on to glory.  You will NEVER regret repairing a relationship. But you will always lament over what could have been. Choose you today. Apologize.

I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences -Stephanie

BE The Message

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

-Dalai Lama 

Somebody stiffed me y’all and I am pissed… and conflicted. I paid someone money for a product.  They took my money and provided nothing. And while I am pissed; like put a cape on my ass pissed #SuperPissed, I am also feeling very sad and sorry for this individual. Before you go there— I’m being 100 percent genuine. No facetiousness. This person is a gifted artist and a gem of a human being. Period. I discovered those traits about him after many conversations and emails regarding the work he was contracted to do and life in general.  So, more than I want to strangle him for leaving me high and dry; I want to wrap him in hugs and love. I think that’s what he needs most right now.

Ummm…. Stephanie?  What are you saying? To be honest, a part of me isn’t sure because I’m still processing.  Maybe I haven’t even let the dust settle enough, but I felt like talking to you guys about it.  I think that sometimes people do stuff for inexplicable reasons. Sometimes they do it directly to us, sometimes to themselves and sometimes we catch the heat from what they thought was only effecting them. Collateral damage is more than a mediocre Arnold Schwarznegger film.  His life is in shambles right now.  Rather than call me, email me or write a message in the sky and say that to me; he’s hiding from me… under guilt and shame.

Now at this point we all know how I feel about guilt and shame.  I rebuke it in the name of Jesus! No. Seriously. I’m no bible thumper, but I know some things. And I know that we were not created to live a life weighted with guilt and shame. Funny thing is my first thought about “the homie” was indeed anger and disappointment before I reflected on the circumstances more comprehensively. I legit had an Aha! moment like…. Dude, you have to live your message.  Wait, what? Yep.  You gotta BE who you say you are. I’m not gon lie I had an attitude about the revelation. I wanted to call him and go IN. Do you hear me???  IN!!!  Instead, I thought about the space he might be in and the damage I might cause him by unleashing my verbal arsenal. Plus, it’s unlikely that my verbal explosion was going to miraculously cause him to crawl out of the funk of things to keep his word anyway. More than all that, I knew I could encourage, uplift and set expectations without demoralizing him or increasing his guilt and shame. I’m just not about that life anymore. 

So where are we now?  I haven’t heard from him.  He didn’t complete the work or return my money. Still, my message to him remains… Take care of you. Take care of you. Am I disappointed and annoyed? Hella.  It cost me more than the money. A lot of time and energy went in to the work we were doing together. But my heart… my soul is in tact. His is not. So hold a good thought for this man as I am. Check on your friends who are living with depression and anxiety.  Be kind to folks even when they piss you off.  You don’t know the road they’re on… Don’t be the car that runs them over. Peace y’all. As always #ChooseYou. Love you and see you soon.

If you or anyone you know is suffering from depression or anxiety; there's help.  Do not suffer in silence. Visit www.nami.org or www.blindfaithchgo.org.  Take care of you!

I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences -Stephanie

Where's The Love??? What's in your heart?

"Love somebody. Just one person.  And then spread that to two. And as many as you can. You'll see the difference it makes."

-Auntie Oprah Winfrey

Today, I’m wondering what’s on the inside of people. I’m reflecting on why humans lack humanity. Oh! The irony. Why is it easier to get in the negativity, the drama of life as opposed to the celebration of it. Particularly, on social media. Why do people watch videos that amuse them, but refuse to support a friend by hitting the like button? Why do videos have 330 views and 8 likes? Hey…. Somebody help me with the math. What is the probability that 330 individuals watched a video, but only 8 people liked it? If I’m honest, which I am… this is one of the areas of social media that grinds my gears. Why is it so difficult to show love and support for people that you actually know? How can a person post positivity and receive little to no support; then post negativity and be flooded with “support”?

Funny thing happened. Not funny funny, but funny like…. Things that make you go hmmmmmm. So one of my Facebook friends makes a post about a negative experience she had with a client. The client was displeased with her purchase and blasted the business on related social media pages. ARGH! Saying it was a mess would be putting it mildly. For the sake of full disclosure; I have used this business in the past and look forward to using it in the future.  All of my experiences have been AWESOME. I’m getting away from the point. What is the point?  Lemme finish the story and then I’ll get to the point a couple hundred words from now. Whatever. Judge your own self.

So, after the post was made she received hundreds of comments. The comments said everything from let’s whoop this trick together… to telling the business owner the post was unprofessional and she should remove it… to the ever useful… just pray about it. *insert side eye*. Anyway, I’m amazed. Not necessarily by the content of the comments, but more by the sheer volume of them. Why? Because I have been fb friends with this person for about five years and I have NEVER witnessed her receive even a third of this level of interaction on any other post. This revelation made me angry, annoyed and well… sad. Why Stephanie?

99% of what this business owner posts is positive. She primarily posts about her business and the success of her beloved child. She posts specials, she makes inquires about expanding her business and shares the success of her business. Each of these positive posts receive a handful of likes and comments in comparison to the one negative post.  Now it’s my turn. WHY??? When she posts that it’s time for her to expand; why doesn’t she get 300 likes? When she posts pictures of the literal fruits of her labor; why doesn’t she get an engaged audience who wants to discuss how amazing her work is for days? I mean…. That’s what happened on the negative post.  The fb community discussed it for DAYS. 

And trust… I’m sitting on no fb friend moral high horse. I have witnessed this behavior on many pages.  A wife posts photos of the beautiful “just because” lilies her husband sent her. CRICKETS!!! Let that same husband black her damn eye! Here they come out of the woodwork with their regrets and prayers. What is wrong with us as a society? Why are we so drawn to negativity? Why is it so easy to scroll past the love, the joy, the success? Why the begrudging of celebration? Lean in… Did you know that you can be happy for yourself and someone else at the same time? Better yet… Did you know your life can suck like a Hoover vacuum and you can still be happy for other people? HELLO??? Happiness for yourself and happiness for others is not mutually exclusive.  You can do both at the same time. In fact, you might see the joy you extend to other folks manifest in your own life… But what do I know?

The point of it all, *in my Anthony Hamilton voice*, is to let the love out. When you catch yourself scrolling past the joy to get to the drama; check yourself. I was deeply disheartened by the behavior on my fb friends page because I know she’s a wonderful person. She, like all of us, deserves to be acknowledged, celebrated, encouraged and rooted for whether its raining or if the sun is shining.  All I’m saying is… Don’t wait until someone is in the middle of a storm to offer your support. Some of us might start to think you were carrying your umbrella all along. 

Hey! That’s all I got. Until next time… Choose you and don’t pass up positivity; spread it. Love y'all. 

I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences.