Take care, be kind, be considerate of other people and other species, and be loving.
-John Lithgow
You don’t want to be a jerk anymore? Wonderful. What’s the problem? What's keeping you from being great? The problem is most people who engage in poor behavior don’t know they’re acting a donkey or they don’t know how to stop. Well, I got you. The following is a quick go to list of how to be a better you. You’re welcome.
1. Don’t Walk Your Dog Without Doggy-do Bags
I’m saying…. What if humans walked around dropping deuces everywhere? We don’t. Why? Because it’s disgusting and unsanitary. Your dog is no better than a human. Again… your dog is no better than a human. In fact, the last time our kids asked for a dog; we had another baby. They’re less work. If you have an aversion to picking up excrement please excuse yourself from both parenting and dog ownership. I mean- I don’t want to step in your doggy’s do or have my child grab a cartwheel hand full of dog shit anymore than human excrement. It’s waste. There is a place for your dogs poo. Those places do not include my yard or ANY public place.
2. Don’t Select An Aisle Seat
Yes! Aisle seats are convenient. You didn’t hear it here first. You know because of experience. When you sit on the aisle you can move freely without guilt. You don’t have to consider that you will have to say excuse me to 50-11 people prior to your move to go potty, grab a snack or take a phone call. THAT SAID… do not get your undies in a bunch when the “insiders” wanna get out. We have all experienced the deep breathing, eye rollers who get annoyed when they have to get up every time someone wants to exit. I used to consider how badly I needed to leave the aisle if I witnessed an aisle person getting annoyed. Not anymore. You choose you lose.
3. Sitcho Ass Down
I’m allowed to have two or more seemingly contradictory thoughts at the same time. I’m complex like that. Look, life is just better if we consider the feelings of others as we traverse daily life. If you choose an inside seat don’t try to accumulate all of your activity tracker steps after the show has started. People around you will hate you. They will wish split ends, ashy ankles and stubbed toes on you. And those wishes will be granted because you, my friend, are an inconsiderate asshole. Sitcho ass down.
4. Don’t Stare
What. Are. You. Looking. At? I squint my eyes, tilt my head, twist my lips ever so slightly and say those words when I find that someone is staring at me. Staring is rude folks. Harmless?Maybe. Rude? Definitely. I get it. Some people are intriguing. You find yourself wanting a better, longer look and you hold your gaze for just longer than what’s appropriate. So what’s appropriate? Three seconds. It’s what I’ve taught my children. Three seconds. That’s it. That’s all you get. So what if you need more time? They have rainbow hair, they’re rocking a unibrow that’s thicker than Alaga syrup or like me; they’re gorgeous. You need more time. Worry not. You have choices. I’ll give you the best two for free. Smile and/or say some variation of “Hello”. Speak to the person! For goodness sake! Things don’t have to get weird.
5. Move Your Mango *insider*
I am a reasonable individual. It’s ok that you’ve been to McDonald’s a thousand times and you still don’t know what you want when it’s your turn to order. You get no judgement from me on that front. Here’s where you and I fall out. I’m behind you in line knowing what I want. Each time you turn your head to the right and left as you review the unchanging menu to reassess the desires of your palette— I think about all the ways that you should be repaid for your disregard of your fellow man and woman. Split ends, stubbed toes, cold fries, no dipping sauce for your nuggets, red lights the entire way home, insomnia, hang nails, constipation, ashy ankles, no toilet tissue in your stall… I could go on and so could those folks waiting behind me. If you don’t know what you want step aside, move your mango to the left or to the right and let the rest of us move forward in gluttony.
Here’s the bottom line, friends. It comes down to mutual respect and consideration for those around you. When you think about it, any conflict gets boiled down to mutual respect and consideration. Jerky folks rarely have these attributes. So, if you recognized yourself in this short list know that’s it’s time to make a change. That’s it for now folks. But because there’s no shortage; I will extend this list as I see people do new assholely things. Hey! Choose you. Today and everyday. Love y’all. See you soon.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences.
-Stephanie