That’s where I found myself… overwhelmed, sad and tired. So much so that I actually went to the doctor. I thought I was sick. I told him that I was just so tired and no matter how much I rested; I never felt like it was enough. Then he asked me about my mental emotional state. At first I was confused. Like, what do my emotions have to do with me being tired? Apparently, everything. My dear friend, restorative justice guru, Dr. Shaniqua Jones says, “Sleep won’t help if it’s your soul that’s tired.”. I don’t know if truer words have ever been spoken. My soul was tired.
I went home that day and reevaluated my… everything. I didn’t even realize how my inability to reconcile my choices against the expectations of other folks was effecting me. This is why it is so important to be dialed into yourself. You need to reflect and question yourself about yourself.
We need to re-contextualize strength. Like, what does it even mean to be “the strong one”?
Because it is NOT the absence of fear or pain or desire or disappointment. I believe that we have, in error, taken a patriarchal view of strength and applied it to our emotional sensibilities in an effort to make us appear less weak. They told us that strength and weakness cannot dwell in the same space. Men, for too long, set the expectation for tolerable behavior for women. Women are killing themselves to meet it. And women are cosigning this behavior. It must stop.
I am trying to negotiate an understanding of literal strength, figurative strength and the reality of my actual strength. What does it look like? What does it feel like? How have I previously misunderstood and in turn misrepresented strength. I am currently being forced to confront these feelings of wanting to be strong, solvent and also having to embrace that pieces of me breaking.
I’ve said it many times and I’ll say it again today. You are your only competition. The moment you start competing with other people; you've already lost. The only person I want to be better than is the woman I was yesterday. And listen, I think the woman I was yesterday is pretty dope, but I know on this journey there’s always room for growth. I cannot compare the today me against the today you because it is impossible to do and it just doesn’t make sense.
In scientific terms, when doing an experiment, to see the similarities and differences in something you would have to watch those things exclusively from start to finish; recording everything. You would need to know all variables or things effecting the subjects of the experiment. And therein lies the problem with social media. You can not see all the variables in the life of someone else.
Isn’t this what often happens between women? Particularly in the workplace. Men pulling strings that shouldn’t exist. As we often say…. It is what it is. I guess I can get with Angela deciding, initially not to work with Nuri. *slight eye roll. The truth is— Angela hit her #ChooseYou dougie on Nuri and I didn’t like it. Her behavior indicated that she was the most beautiful, powerful, worthy person she knows. We MUST fight the urge to begrudge women this right because it does not fall in line with what we believe we deserve. There is enough of everything we desire for all of us. You might just have to wait your turn.
I’m serious. Call me old fashioned or whatever. In the new age of the “pick me” woman who’s willing to pay a man’s rent and leave the tip and wash her own car to prove that she’s worthy… be the opposite. Maybe I’m what’s wrong with women today. Perhaps, I have been brainwashed by misogyny and patriarchy. If you are not independently wealthy or are unemployed; you cannot afford to date. How can you even find the time? Where I’m from even when you don’t have a job you have a job… looking for a job. My parents taught me this as a young woman. I’m sure they impressed it upon my brother even harder because he's a man. For the record, I don’t think broke women should date either. It places you in a place of vulnerability where you do not belong. FACT.
So when people came to our home to drink and eat and be merry, but didn’t share the love I didn’t understand. What does it mean to share the love? Some might view this response as petty or punitive, but I’m just here to share my truth. If my truth doesn’t resonate with you—you might just be the kind of person who doesn’t share the love.
Since emotionally bankrupt people will never stop making withdrawals-- You need to close their account. Walk away. You don’t owe them. Even financial institutions limit the number of times an account can be overdrawn. Banks lend with the absolute expectation that what they lend is coming back. In fact, they require an additional fee in the event you don’t return what you took. And after all that, if you still refuse to make good on the obligation, what does the bank do? THEY CLOSE YOUR ACCOUNT.
The regular practice of choosing you will be challenging and rewarding . It will be the greatest work of your life. Choosing you will be a study of what really matters to you and a magnifier that shows if you include yourself amongst those things. Some days you will be elated; on other days your heart will break over all the little and big ways you made everything and everybody more important than you. There’s no reward in that. The triumph is in doing better once you know better.
