That’s where I found myself… overwhelmed, sad and tired. So much so that I actually went to the doctor. I thought I was sick. I told him that I was just so tired and no matter how much I rested; I never felt like it was enough. Then he asked me about my mental emotional state. At first I was confused. Like, what do my emotions have to do with me being tired? Apparently, everything. My dear friend, restorative justice guru, Dr. Shaniqua Jones says, “Sleep won’t help if it’s your soul that’s tired.”. I don’t know if truer words have ever been spoken. My soul was tired.
I went home that day and reevaluated my… everything. I didn’t even realize how my inability to reconcile my choices against the expectations of other folks was effecting me. This is why it is so important to be dialed into yourself. You need to reflect and question yourself about yourself.
The new year is here. We’re over a week into 2020 and things are moving along swimmingly. For me, 2019 was a humdinger for sure and I made it… so did you. There’s victory in that. Sometimes, we get so excited about new opportunities and expectations that we neglect to give weight and respect to what we’ve already made it through.
We don’t want to keep our eyes fixed on the rearview mirror, BUT every now and again you need to take a glance. Let it show you what you made it through, the ways you conquered things that were trying to conquer you and let it all paint a picture of your accomplishments and work that still needs to be done.
To that end, I want to walk us through things we need to do to elevate ourselves in the next year and beyond. Some of these things are written specifically with me in mind and some are for you, but they’ll all work together for our good.
Don’t get married. Don’t have kids. I said what I said. I got married and had a child in my late 20’s. I was 28. I would encourage every woman to wait at least that long. Secure education. Secure financial stability. Secure yourself. I’m a stay at home mom NOW, but when we met I was taking care of myself. So much of who we are as women is tied to how we interact with men. The ideology that if you’re not married or seriously dating, then something is wrong with you, must be killed.
There is no correlation between your value and your desire or ability to secure a man.
I wasn’t really mad about the letter itself. I was initially alarmed, but not mad. I became annoyed and irritated when the rep wouldn’t own that the letter was dishonest. What I quickly understood was that even though I was right; it didn’t matter. Also, Conner didn’t have the authority, awareness or capacity to apologize and I couldn’t make him. My feelings about this ultimately inconsequential situation were really about other people I have encountered in my life who are quick to deflect responsibility and refuse to own their mistakes and shortcomings.
I allowed myself to be triggered. I became angry and frustrated because I have not healed the places in my heart where people I have been in relationship with wouldn’t be honest and own their shit.
Then, something broke in me as I approached my 40’s. I remember telling a dear friend, “I just feel so open.” I didn’t even understand the extent to which I was open and how my life would change as a result. I just felt the opening so strongly. And it wasn’t that I didn’t care what other people wanted or thought. It was more that what I wanted and thought was finally my priority. It was as if everything I was suppressing refused to remain submerged. My heart and mind insisted on BEING in the way God initially created me. I remembered who I was and I refused to abandon her again.
This translates in adulthood to women who are environmental chameleons. Code switching as a dating mechanism. Ugh. A woman who transforms into who she thinks the man would find most agreeable. This is really so so tragic. It is a prison of your own design. This is why I cringe every single time I see a video of a man telling a woman how to find a man. It would be far more advantageous if she knew how to find herself. Maybe that’s not what the men in these videos really want… A woman who values her own identity more than she values attaching herself to a man to gain it. Yeah… That part.
