“Personal evolution is a part of life. You don’t have to lose those you love to find your self.”
Stephanie D. Pearson-Davis
Everything changes when you turn 40. I’ve heard countless women discuss this phenomenon. “It’s been said that when you turn 40 you suddenly realize that what other people think doesn’t matter. And when you turn 50??? You truly just don’t give a shit.” This is amazing; right? Mental and emotional freedom for women? I can dig that. I mean, I’ve spent periods of my life trying to fit in. I wanted to be liked, loved and appreciated for being me. When that didn’t happen I made small changes to make myself more palatable. And I lived like this for many years. I wasn’t miserable, but I also wasn’t living my best life. I wasn’t fulfilled.
Then, something broke in me as I approached my 40’s. I remember telling a dear friend, “I just feel so open.” I didn’t even understand the extent to which I was open and how my life would change as a result. I just felt the opening so strongly. And it wasn’t that I didn’t care what other people wanted or thought. It was more that what I wanted and thought was finally my priority. It was as if everything I was suppressing refused to remain submerged. My heart and mind insisted on BEING in the way God initially created me. I remembered who I was and I refused to abandon her again.
My husband thought I was losing my mind. I changed. I was acting funny. He wondered what was wrong with me… not understanding that everything was finally righting itself. Surely, there were times I didn’t know how we would make it through my metamorphosis. Everything we’d accomplished, we accomplished together. Our lives together were a group project. At this point though, I was embarking on a solo project that would significantly affect the group. It was different. My goodness… Those were trying times. Him, trying to understand how I recoiled at things I once relished. Me, refusing to give an inch for fear I might lose it all.
We made it through my initial metamorphosis. I imagine there will be more of them. In fact, I look forward to it… for us both.
Here’s what I learned.
Tell The Truth.
Even if your voices shakes and snot runs. You have to give life to your feelings by speaking them. We think we need to have everything figured out before we can discuss it. Your mate deserves the opportunity to get onboard at the first stop. Not sharing your journey at its’ beginning leaves others at an unfair disadvantage. Accept that feelings may get hurt as you unearth the truth that you’ve been keeping to yourself. Share it anyway. You can say anything to anyone with love and respect. When we don’t share our truth with the people we love, space and resentment grow where love should. We expect others to know what is best for us because it is best for us; not because we’ve told them what’s best for us. That’s not fair.
Be Consistent.
Consistency is key. How many times have you heard that? Hahaha. Well, it’s also true in this case. My husband gets his hair cuts every week. No matter what. He doesn’t miss an appointment. It was one of the things I began to resent when I looked at my own opportunities for beautification… I didn’t have any. So, when I started making biweekly hair appointments it created some hiccups. If he asked me to skip I would because I was accustomed to having self deprecating flexibility. Then, I would be angry at him for asking me to skip. I really should have been disappointed in myself for agreeing to something that didn’t serve me. Now, I maintain regularly scheduled appointments. He no longer asks me to cancel them because he understands that it is an important part of me being whole. I cannot sacrifice myself for the sake of peace in any relationship.
Be Patient.
This period of growth and evolution is wonderful, but it is not without growing pains. We wake up one day and decide we’re not taking anybody’s shit anymore. But we’ve been thinking of going shitless for months. Consider that the people around you haven’t been dialed in enough to recognize you were headed for a growth spurt. They may be shocked or hurt or even angry that you’ve kept your discontent from them. For me, everything was cool until it wasn’t. I flipped a switch. Not everyone was ready. Leave room in your journey to consider the feelings of the people who are traveling with you. Give them time to make necessary adjustments. My husband just needed to understand what was happening in me and how it was going to affect him. Most folks want you to be great, but they feel threatened by change. They need to know that the evolution of you includes them.
Consider This.
Most of us have created the environment we eventually grow to resent. I know I did. I believe the older we get the more we begin to consider a life we’d like to have for ourselves instead of the life we’ve been told we should lead. Suddenly, we feel experienced enough to lead our own lives(Imagine that). As children we are repeatedly told that our lives don’t belong to us. So, we struggle with what’s truly “right” for ourselves well into adulthood. This could be avoided with a more conscious approach to parenting, but we’ll discuss that another time as I am barely scratching the surface on that one.
Personal evolution doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Be honest about your feelings when you feel them. Explain that something is shifting or changing in you even if you cannot articulate it well. This will put your loved one on notice and they won’t feel so blindsided. Don’t sacrifice the sanctity of your journey for temporary peace. Let love lead you to hold on to yourself so you can be the best spouse possible.
Personal evolution is a part of life. You don’t have to lose those you love to find your self.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences. -Stephanie