I wasn’t really mad about the letter itself. I was initially alarmed, but not mad. I became annoyed and irritated when the rep wouldn’t own that the letter was dishonest. What I quickly understood was that even though I was right; it didn’t matter. Also, Conner didn’t have the authority, awareness or capacity to apologize and I couldn’t make him. My feelings about this ultimately inconsequential situation were really about other people I have encountered in my life who are quick to deflect responsibility and refuse to own their mistakes and shortcomings.
I allowed myself to be triggered. I became angry and frustrated because I have not healed the places in my heart where people I have been in relationship with wouldn’t be honest and own their shit.
Someone is having a difficult time in their marriage right now. You are feeling angry, sad and resentful. You’re wondering if you made a mistake. Especially if you’re a newlywed. You’re sitting in your car or half working at your job trying to figure out how you arrived in your present space. Contemplating if it’s even worth the effort. You’re more like roommates than husband and wife maybe worse because you barely even speak to each other. The “D” word keeps coming up and you wonder if one day you’re gonna come home to find your mate has given up first.
Right now your heart is breaking more and more with thoughts regarding your expectations for your marriage and the reality of your marriage. When you were dating, your spouse was the best thing since sliced bread. Now he's just moldy yeast because even the best bread doesn’t stay fresh forever.
I have learned that true restoration comes from being mature enough to hold yourself accountable without attempting to buy or overlook the healing process. Healing can’t be bought and overlooking only suppresses the pain. Shout out to my mama for always loving me!
More people should apologize, and more people should accept apologies when sincerely made.
-Greg LeMond
I apologized to a stranger. I was wrong. I acknowledged I was wrong. I apologized. The end; right? Noooo… not the end. The ease of my apology struck me. You guys know me. Usually looking for the lesson. Ever reflecting... The apology came out as naturally as my breath. I didn’t need to be goaded into an apology. She didn’t tell me I owed it to her. No one needed to explain to me the err of my ways. I just did it and to a stranger no less. I mean that was the big part for me. It lead me to consider the difficulty often faced when we need to apologize to the ones we say we hold most dear. So what is it? Why don’t we just do it?
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My britches had been in the biggest bunch because our beloved school district had yet to mail out school schedules, class assignments and such. So I called the school haughtily and asked when they would be mailed. The woman told me they wouldn’t be mailed until the end of the week. Insert my “Whatchu talkin ‘bout Willis?” face because school was to start the next week. When I began to contend that I didn’t understand why they were waiting so long this year, the woman says, “Well school doesn’t start for two more weeks. So…” Wait. WHAT???
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See my “job” includes, but is not limited to handling all things child related. How did I get this wrong? Well, to make a long story go away— I have one child in the high school district and he started school the week before the elementary school district. I was confused. It was on me; not the school district. I quickly said, “I am so sorry. Thank you. Have a wonderful day!” I apologized. I was all puffed up about what I felt was an inadequacy on their part. Turns out the inadequacy belonged to me this time. Not in a bad way, but just in a owning my shit kinda way. So I apologized.
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Think about all the times you have bumped into or stepped on the toe of a stranger. Immediately, the transgression is acknowledged. ‘My goodness! I’m so sorry! Please excuse me!” Hell, if you walk in front of someone looking at which canned green beans they want in aisle 6; you apologize. So what’s the deal? We have people in our lives whom we say we love, but when we wrong them we look for every reason not to apologize. “That’s just how I am.” “He knows I didn’t mean it like that.” “She’s too damn sensitive.”
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We really need to search our hearts on this one. Humility is a beautiful attribute. Unfortunately, it has been connected to weakness and inferiority. So, instead of reaching towards a loved one; we push off with harsh words and or the ever popular silence and estrangement. Decide today if that thing between you and “them” could be resolved with a very simple, but genuine… “I apologize. I would love to move forward. How can we do that?” Ignore your inner voice that keeps telling you that humbly, sincerely apologizing is tantamount to kissing ass.
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Hey! I love y’all. You know that. Do better. Humility is resilient and strong. Love the people you love in the natural; before folks go on to glory. You will NEVER regret repairing a relationship. But you will always lament over what could have been. Choose you today. Apologize.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences -Stephanie
