New Year... Same You

Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, whispering, 'It will be happier.'

-Alfred Lord Tennyson

The new year is upon us. And with that comes the proclamation of all that is to come in the new year. I don’t have any fast and hard transform yourself overnight magical words to bestow. I do, however, have four solid ways to grow you from this day to the next and the next.

Be Afraid

Listen, fear is not the problem.  Fear is an important emotion for us as human beings. It keeps us safe. So being afraid isn’t necessarily negative. The inability to find courage on the other hand… that is a problem.  See, courage is acknowledging the fear and pressing forward any way. You will be empowered in ways you cannot imagine. I also believe you will experience a shift in other areas of your life when you tackle your fears.  So, what to do?  Learn how to swim. Cut your hair.  Take a vacation alone.  Order something new on Panera’s menu.(That one was for me.) Do a live video on social media.  Murder the mic at karaoke. DO what scares you. This is your life.  Let nothing keep you from every piece of it. 

Make a New Friend

For many years I relished in the “No New Friends” mindset.  I was legit proud of the fact that I didn’t let new people into my circle.  Full disclosure:  I experienced a very painful betrayal by a friend in my twenties.  Add to that my lifelong introvert tendencies and Voila! “No New Friends” was a way of life.  Only God knows how many wonderful people I missed out on because I wouldn’t let the love in or out for new folks. Dah well… The message here is that I have learned the err of my ways.  New people have new experiences and perspectives and recipes and new brands of Moscato you know nothing about #JudgeYourOwnSelf.  These new friends will remind you of spirit days at your baby’s school. They will send you an air purifier when you get sick. They will grab your kid and take them on playdates.  They will help you clean the kitchen after late night parties.  They will share their mommas sweet potatoes.  They will lift you up and encourage you.  These are only a few things my new and newer friends have done recently. And I’m not knocking old, lifelong friendships, because there's something to be said for those too.  This is about allowing new folks to come in your life and love on you because you’re worth it and so are they.

Release The Idea of Perfection

Perfection is a myth.  It is a lie. It does not exist. You are not perfect. Your spouse is not perfect. Your children are not perfect. Your parents are not perfect. Embrace that. Find comfort there. It’s all smoke and mirrors.  If we would each tell the truth about ourselves and our experiences others would be free to do the same.  Instead, folks are out here presenting a lie for their life. So you push your mess back under your bed too. Stop that. Don't hide the mess; fix it. Normalize life. Reject perfection. Pursue progress. Nothing is going to be perfect. It just needs to be YOUR best.

Mend Your Heart

In other words, get a therapist.  Let me repeat.  Get a therapist. Go regularly. Let 2018 be a year of healing. The idea that telling a stranger your business is a betrayal of trust or loyalty OR that it makes you weak is bullshit.  Friends and family are great resources for sharing your heart. But the real truth is, as well meaning as they are; you may need to seek therapy to talk about them. That isn’t an indictment of your friends/family or their love and allegiance to you.  I’m just sayin. Therapists have an entire bag of tricks to help you help you. Finally, I’ve heard a lot of people express apprehension about attending therapy, but I have never talked to a single person who attended therapy and regretted the experience. They only wished they had done it sooner.  Let that sink in for a moment. 

I, for one, am looking forward to the new year. New beginnings are always reason for celebration.  Make a commitment to free your self to be your self. That can be a tall order if you don’t know who your self is. Also, new year new me sounds good, but thats it. It just sounds catchy.  Why do you need a new you? Let it be… New year, same me, modified mindset, improved state of being. You are enough. Keep you. Throw away or revamp everything else. 2018 is your year. So were all the ones before it as will be all the ones after.  All of it is yours. What will you do? How will you use these steps to grow you?

I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences.

Where's The Love??? What's in your heart?

"Love somebody. Just one person.  And then spread that to two. And as many as you can. You'll see the difference it makes."

-Auntie Oprah Winfrey

Today, I’m wondering what’s on the inside of people. I’m reflecting on why humans lack humanity. Oh! The irony. Why is it easier to get in the negativity, the drama of life as opposed to the celebration of it. Particularly, on social media. Why do people watch videos that amuse them, but refuse to support a friend by hitting the like button? Why do videos have 330 views and 8 likes? Hey…. Somebody help me with the math. What is the probability that 330 individuals watched a video, but only 8 people liked it? If I’m honest, which I am… this is one of the areas of social media that grinds my gears. Why is it so difficult to show love and support for people that you actually know? How can a person post positivity and receive little to no support; then post negativity and be flooded with “support”?

Funny thing happened. Not funny funny, but funny like…. Things that make you go hmmmmmm. So one of my Facebook friends makes a post about a negative experience she had with a client. The client was displeased with her purchase and blasted the business on related social media pages. ARGH! Saying it was a mess would be putting it mildly. For the sake of full disclosure; I have used this business in the past and look forward to using it in the future.  All of my experiences have been AWESOME. I’m getting away from the point. What is the point?  Lemme finish the story and then I’ll get to the point a couple hundred words from now. Whatever. Judge your own self.

So, after the post was made she received hundreds of comments. The comments said everything from let’s whoop this trick together… to telling the business owner the post was unprofessional and she should remove it… to the ever useful… just pray about it. *insert side eye*. Anyway, I’m amazed. Not necessarily by the content of the comments, but more by the sheer volume of them. Why? Because I have been fb friends with this person for about five years and I have NEVER witnessed her receive even a third of this level of interaction on any other post. This revelation made me angry, annoyed and well… sad. Why Stephanie?

99% of what this business owner posts is positive. She primarily posts about her business and the success of her beloved child. She posts specials, she makes inquires about expanding her business and shares the success of her business. Each of these positive posts receive a handful of likes and comments in comparison to the one negative post.  Now it’s my turn. WHY??? When she posts that it’s time for her to expand; why doesn’t she get 300 likes? When she posts pictures of the literal fruits of her labor; why doesn’t she get an engaged audience who wants to discuss how amazing her work is for days? I mean…. That’s what happened on the negative post.  The fb community discussed it for DAYS. 

And trust… I’m sitting on no fb friend moral high horse. I have witnessed this behavior on many pages.  A wife posts photos of the beautiful “just because” lilies her husband sent her. CRICKETS!!! Let that same husband black her damn eye! Here they come out of the woodwork with their regrets and prayers. What is wrong with us as a society? Why are we so drawn to negativity? Why is it so easy to scroll past the love, the joy, the success? Why the begrudging of celebration? Lean in… Did you know that you can be happy for yourself and someone else at the same time? Better yet… Did you know your life can suck like a Hoover vacuum and you can still be happy for other people? HELLO??? Happiness for yourself and happiness for others is not mutually exclusive.  You can do both at the same time. In fact, you might see the joy you extend to other folks manifest in your own life… But what do I know?

The point of it all, *in my Anthony Hamilton voice*, is to let the love out. When you catch yourself scrolling past the joy to get to the drama; check yourself. I was deeply disheartened by the behavior on my fb friends page because I know she’s a wonderful person. She, like all of us, deserves to be acknowledged, celebrated, encouraged and rooted for whether its raining or if the sun is shining.  All I’m saying is… Don’t wait until someone is in the middle of a storm to offer your support. Some of us might start to think you were carrying your umbrella all along. 

Hey! That’s all I got. Until next time… Choose you and don’t pass up positivity; spread it. Love y'all. 

I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences.