“Let love replace regret.”
-Stephanie D. Pearson-Davis
I attended a funeral a few weeks ago for the son of a dear friend. A man of only 34 years. A twin, a father and the apple of his mother’s eye; he died tragically, before anyone was ready. I didn’t know him personally, but I know how his mom loves him and I know that she is loved. I expected the celebration of his life to be well attended.
I did not, however, expect it to take 15 minutes to get from the front door to my seat because that’s just how many people were in line to get inside. Once seated, I took a moment to take in my environment. I marveled at the number of people in attendance. I thought, WOW. He was really loved.
I have attended many funerals over the years and this is the first where even though it was the largest room available, there still weren’t enough seats. People lined the walls and stood in the doorway and hallway, unable to get inside.
As I sat and listened to an impassioned eulogy where the pastor spoke about creating and sustaining the life you want while surrounded by good people, I couldn’t help but think about how Tony moved in life with all these people. Even the pastor marveled at the attendance and passionately inquired if the people in the room showed up for Tony while he was alive.
In a nutshell… We run to funerals, but won’t engage with our living.
As you know, I am a reflective person. I continued to think about the pastor’s message, all those people and what it means to be a person honored by a standing room only funeral.
Then, Ermias Asghedom died. Nipsey Hussle… the people’s champ. The world grieved him. The world is still grieving him. Feeling both the immediate loss and the loss of his future anticipated greatness. Love and grief convened to celebrate his life at the Staples Center, filling it to capacity. There are over 20,000 seats there. What a sight to see! The Staples Center was filled to celebrate the life of one man.
What does it mean? Why does it matter? Does it matter?
I returned to my thoughts from the funeral I attended days before. How many times have you witnessed people get up and speak at a funeral and say they haven’t seen the deceased or other family in years? Why are we more compelled to spend time celebrating a persons shell rather than the actual living person? How are we showing up in the lives of people we say we love while they are still living?
I guess I just want us all to think about the cost of being too busy. Too busy for a phone call, too busy to visit, too busy to have lunch, too busy to sit a while longer, too busy, too busy, too busy…
KD Bowe, an Atlanta radio personality made a Facebook post, on 1.24.13 following the death of his mother. I will never forget his words. It reads in part:
“At this stage in my life, I just stay busy. The ironic thing is I did in death what I could never seem to find time to do in life … I made time to come home for a week.”
I imagine his mom would have preferred he come home for a week while she wasn’t laying in a casket… he clearly does too. This is no indictment on KD Bowe. No shame. No guilt. He is living his choices. Still, it begs the question…
Why do we make time for dead people and excuses for the living?
As you can see, I’m a little in my feelings about this. It’s just… when somebody dies people start calling off work, catching flights and coming together to reminisce. Suddenly, you’re available to dedicate an entire day to show love. All these resources and effort for dead people.
Some of you have mommas, daddies and grandmommas that live thirty minutes away and you won’t even drop by on your way home from work. If they died today your overgrown ass would be falling all out in the church hollering, “My Momma!!!!” or “I loved my granny and my granny loved me!!!”, and trying to jump in the ground behind them at the cemetery. GTFOH
Do I sound crass? Ok. good.
We are a society more likely to participate in grief than love. Why? The people in your life want to hear from you, BE with you now while everyone is still alive. I think there’s some part of us that thinks we know when death will come. We always think we have more time. We don’t. Both of the men I mentioned were younger than 40. Meanwhile, my neighbor attended a friends 100th birthday party last weekend. My point?
We don’t know how much time is left on the clock of our lives. Use all the moments available to you to celebrate yourself and the people you love. Celebrations of life don’t have to be extravagant and they certainly aren’t just for people who have passed on. Every time I get together with anyone for any reason is a celebration of the fact that we are still on this side. It really is that simple.
I’m really starting to question if I want to attend funerals anymore. I certainly don’t see myself attending funerals of people I don’t actually DO life with… unless they are directly connected to someone who I do life with. Transversely, I don’t want people who aren’t connected to me dropping everything to attend my funeral. If you weren’t willing to take a day off when I was alive; don’t do it when I’m dead.
Stop using funerals as a benchmark for love.
Pay your final respects now… every time you see me. Tell me I’m special now… Tell me you love me now… Send me handwritten notes, cards and flowers now… let’s go to lunch now… let’s FaceTime and coffee… Give me everything you have for me now.
Let us leave each other hoping to get to the next time, but having no regrets should we not.
There is a person or persons in your life that you haven’t seen or even talked to in ages. If they died today you would be DEVASTATED. And yet…
Let love replace regret.
Make the call. Write the note. Share the love.
Love the people you say you love like you truly know… Tomorrow isn’t promised.
love y’all.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences. -Stephanie