“
I cannot be afraid and have faith??? I do not want that religion.”
-Stephanie D. Pearson-Davis
When all of this started, I was cool.
I knew COVID-19 would be bad and I felt like we weren’t getting all the information necessary to keep us safe. I pulled my children from school before the Governor announced it and I went to the grocery store before that. I was very aware that shit was going to hit the fan, but also very chill. No need to freak out. I’m going to prepare the people in my home. I’m going to help my parents.
I got this. This too shall pass. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. God is in control. I said all the things that bring me comfort.
That was me three weeks ago.
Right now, I’m sitting at my kitchen table at 12:30am alternating between sobbing and weeping.
I should be asleep right now, but I felt restless… unsettled. I have felt this way for days, but each day I just pushed it back down. Today this feeling would not be suppressed. Like vomit, the emotion came up and out. There was nothing I could do. I went to the bathroom, not wanting to wake Bruce, but that wasn’t far enough away. I didn’t want answer, “What’s wrong?” After all, I wasn’t even sure. There’s a part of me that feels silly. Maybe I’m being extra sensitive. I didn’t want to explain feelings that I haven’t even partially processed.
This cry has been sitting in me for about a week. Since I went in an actual grocery store and saw the shelves bare. I just stood in the middle of that aisle staring at the empty shelves of stuff I don’t even eat. I was stunned by the physical representation of… the symbolism of where we currently find ourselves. Is this humanity? Is this my future, our future?
In that moment, my feet felt cemented to the floor. I had to tell my heart not to break in the middle of the condiments aisle. I had to tell my feet to move. I guess I’ve been doing that from the beginning… doing everything, feeling nothing.
I have wanted to write about my feelings for the last few weeks. I am gifted with words, and yet I still don’t know if I can adequately convey what I am feeling.
Until today, I mostly just felt confused. What is wrong with me? Why are you so easily irritated? Why are you on the verge of tears? Nothing is happening to you. Is this PMS? Is it the loss of personal space. As a stay at home mom, I get a few hours of alone time almost every day even if I do spend it running errands or cleaning. Maybe I miss being alone? No. I’m totally loving being with my family right now. I wish everyone was here. Ok. So, I’m enjoying my family. My circles of love and influence are doing well, I have no anxiety about our sustainability.
So, what is it Stephanie?
Grief. Disappointment. Judgement. Guilt. Fear.
Grief. I have been trying to put my finger on it for days. The simmering anger, waking with tears on my lids that I cannot explain. The heaviness… is grief.
For much of this time I’ve been feeling a deep sense of loss. My therapist asked if I was using this time to go within. She asked how I was helping myself. I mean, helping other people is sort of my thing. She asked why I’m not using this time to BE with myself. The answer is simple.
I don’t want to be with myself where I am.
If I go there, which is where I am now, I would have to admit that our current situation is challenging me in ways that I had not anticipated. It’s revealing my blind spots and magnifying remnants of battles won through personal evolution and mindfulness.
The old me is fighting to return so she can protect the evolved me.
Even in places where I was running a solid race, COVID-19 turned the incline up to a 6.0.
I am panting, scared I might fall.
I am disappointed in people I previously viewed as conscious and considerate. Why can’t people just stay the fuck at home? Why do folks have to do the right thing at their own pace? I have been deliberately working on seeing the gray here. Gray is always hard for me, but especially now. If you’re not an essential worker, you’re either staying home or you’re an ignorant, selfish, dumb ass. Yes. That is how I feel.
Be cavalier about whether you’d prefer ketchup or barbecue sauce or Good Morning America or The Today Show; not with our fucking lives(Language, Stephanie). I know so many immunocompromised children and adults. Also, there are a lot of seniors that I absolutely adore; not the least of which are my parents. Not for nothing, this virus is killing healthy people too.
I’m just… I’m like, come on God.
Can you please get your people??? Especially the ones who keep admonishing folks who are afraid. I don’t mean GET THEM. I mean get them. Can you let this virus kill religious dogma? We could start there. These religious folks are I R R A T A T I N G and dangerous. Confessing fear is indicative of a lack of faith? God’s got you. So, you can still be in these streets? *face palm*
I cannot be afraid and have faith??? I do not want that religion.
The bible says God is my strength and refuge. He is my hiding place and my shield. When do people hide? If I am not allowed to be afraid, if I have risen above every adversity; why do I need strength, refuge, a shield or a hiding place? Why do I need God? All this religious dogma and hierarchy amongst human beings has folks either lying or denying the fullness of this emotional and mental experience in an effort to appear more closely connected to God.
The truth is, God has given us a place to hide in Him.
Man… Y’all not even using God right.
The one entity fully equipped to handle our fear and we’re acting like we don’t have any.
We cannot be healed if we will not admit that we are hurting.
I ain’t no bible scholar, but I believe that I can have faith that God is going to work this thing out and I can also experience fear while He’s doing that.
I am so so glad that our comprehension is not necessary for God’s intervention.
Don’t let religion keep you from acknowledging your actual real time life, thoughts and emotions. The Church and its’ folks need to stop pushing an unrealistic fearless pedagogy where people cannot admit that they are afraid or they need help because all they need is God.
God. Is. Help… Universally.
I don’t just need comfort, I need strategies.
He is ALL things.
He is even therapy and medication. Get what YOU need.
So, yeah y’all… I am afraid. I am grieving the loss of my lifestyle. I am grieving the loss of my children’s innocence.
I despise how much judgement I have and the way it is showing itself.
I am grieving things that are not gone.
I am suffering a bit of a heartache.
I despise how much judgement I have and the way it is showing itself.
I am writing these words as a reminder to myself to extend empathy and grace to myself and others.
I am sharing these words because someone who reads these words will need to know that they are not alone.
I am not fearless.
You don’t have to be either.
#RelationshipOver Religion
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences. -Stephanie