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I choose to believe that in each loss, when someone is taken from us… something is left behind.”
-Me
The death of Kobe Bryant still has me reeling. At least three mornings since his death I woke up, realized the reality and said, “Damn, Kobe.” Like… why you have to do us like this. This feels like when Aaliyah died. She was the first celebrity whose death caused me to weep. Their deaths felt close… too close. I didn’t know them, but we grew up together. I wasn’t even a Kobe fan in the way we think of fandom today. I didn’t have his jerseys. I wasn’t checking for him on social media. Still, I had mad respect for him. His work ethic, his resilience, unbridled tenacity and love for his family made him an inspiration.
Not for nothing, if Kobe had been any man this would still hurt. The kind of man who takes a helicopter instead of a car in a deliberate attempt to save travel time so he could spend those extra moments with his family… the kind of man who knows 10 minutes saved over and over is worth it… that kind of man is an incredible loss to every person who knew him. So, it is not just that he was NBA legend Kobe Bryant. He was also Joe and Pam’s baby boy, Vanessa’s knight and a total #GirlDad to his four daughters. He was an amazing human being of only 41 years. That, my friends, is enough for us all to be feeling this loss so so deeply.
“Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” -Jamie Anderson
When death comes to visit, it can be so devastating. All we feel is loss. We feel that our heart bank is in the negative, but that’s just our pain. Grief is really just an overabundance of love that doesn’t have a receptacle to receive it. Think of a bottle filled with your favorite beverage poured right onto the counter… The beverage is amazingly delicious and refreshing from a glass, but when you pour it onto the counter it makes quite a mess… an inconvenient, unpretty, unpredictable, nasty mess. The drink… is amazing when it has a place to go, but when the designated vessel is missing— the drink… the love… the thing that once brought so much joy suddenly hurts like hell. That’s grief.
I choose to believe that in each loss, when someone is taken from us… something is left behind.
You cannot rush grief, nor can you ignore it.
While time and love from others helps to ease the pain of grief, it doesn’t lessen it’s grip on you until it’s ready and it never goes away completely. Love is unique… couture. It is made only for the person for which it is intended. That is the reason no person can love you out of grief. The love I have for my mother won’t fit my husband. The love for my best friend cannot fit my sister. Grief makes us uncomfortable. We sometimes try to rush it along or not feel it at all. Grief will take over your body like morning sickness because ignoring grief is mourning sickness. One day when you least expect it, at the most inconvenient time that love with no place to go will catch you looking Roma tomatoes or platform wedges or driving on the expressway and demand it be honored and you will have no choice. Face your grief, mourn with intention to heal.
Say what you need to say.
When it’s over it is over. You don’t get to undo regret. Some of y’all are mad about stuff that wasn’t even your business. Families are estranged because someone dared to speak their truth. Pettiness has replaced vulnerability and deference. We don’t know how to apologize and own our shit. We’re living in a cancel culture that refuses to extend grace and give people an opportunity to grow up and do better even though that’s what we keep telling people to do. Some of us need to say what we need to say and some of us need to hear what’s being said without ending a relationship. I feel I’ve said my peace to who I’ve said it to. There is no person living that I can “I wish I had told them…” about. I use every opportunity I communicate to share love, to affirm and connect. I don’t want a single regret tied to something I could have said or did to repair, but didn’t. Remember, unresolved conflict is indeed a choice. And listen some of these withering relationship need to go on and die and some need to stay dead. That said… whatever you do or don’t, make sure you can live with your choice. Regret is an awful cross to bear.
LIVE.
Take the job. Leave the man. Accept the compliment. Hop the flight. Try something new. Ask her out. Lose the weight. Make the call. Fall in love. Go skydiving. Give freely. Affirm yourself. Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one can hear you. Cry. Get in the picture. Stand in front. Write the book. Speak your truth. Put on the swimsuit. Remove the sarong. Redeem yourself. Walk in boldness. Believe you can. Laugh loudly. Send a love note. Reflect. Play the game. Forget the score. Take your time. Hurry up. Jump. Establish boundaries. Drink water. Moisturize your edges. Mind your business. Tell ‘em how you really feel. Go to therapy. Reject shame. Reject guilt. Normalize life. Chill. Hold folks accountable. Invest in great shape wear. Buy the perfume. Prove it to yourself. Tell your story. Woo the woman. Breathe. Shed dead weight. Let nothing go unsaid. Linger in an embrace. Admire your reflection. Accept the truth. Be Kind. Practice empathy. Inspire others. Put yourself first. Forgive him. Forgive her. Forgive yourself. Do your best. Just do it. Leave it all on the court.
Mind your business.
Your feelings about the death of Kobe Bryant do not require the validation of other people. Your feelings about anything that you feel do not require the validation of anyone else. I don’t know why people get so annoyed with the happenings in other people’s hearts. Why people are sad and the depth of their sadness is no one’s business but theirs. Also, life and love and relationships and people can be complex and nuanced. It is not my business that Roger wasn’t talking to Emily before she died, but now he’s all broken up about it. Hey. That’s Roger’s lesson to learn. Even if you believe Roger should’ve done better; it isn’t your business. Focus on the lessons you need to learn.
This week has been something else.
Kobe. Man… I really wish things were different for you and Gianna and everyone else on that helicopter. The impact of this tragedy will be felt forever. You never want your legacy to be etched in stone by a tragedy, but we cannot deny that the death of Kobe Bryant is pulling back a curtain on many things. Not the least of which is how much father’s love their daughters, how much daughters cherish their fathers and now maybe even shitty dads who are still young enough to make a difference will be inspired to do so. Thank you Kobe. Men want to be better because of you. You did that.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences. -Stephanie