“The journey to wholeness is a solo endeavor.”
-Stephanie D. Pearson-Davis
We need to talk. I’m not even sure where I’m going today. I just need to get this out. I want to talk about acceptance in friendship. Like, really accepting people for who they are. I don’t know about you, but I find it truly inconvenient. I have always been a person who had a strong sense of right and wrong. Not in a self righteous way. I’ve done plenty of wrong. It’s just… If people would just live life the way I think they should everything would be so much easier.
I love to see people live their best life… I believe in treating people well and I expect reciprocation.
The older I’ve gotten the more rigid I’ve become about what I am willing to accept in terms of integrity in relationships. Maybe that is in part because I have so much more to give now. These years have given me so much insight on how to be for others.
My friendship is priceless.
I am also an Aquarius. I don’t know if you’re into astrology. I do dabble a bit. Aquarius’ are the most loyal, ride or die friends you will ever have. BUT when we get over your ass— We get OVER your ass.
Which is why we’re here today. I realize that I have to figure out how to process disappointment in friendship so I can stop throwing folks away.
Throwing folks away? What do you mean, Stephanie?
I mean… Icing people out, cold shouldering them, ignoring them, ghosting or otherwise removing them from my life.
It sounds easy enough; right? …throwing people away.
I don’t make friends easily or often. So, when I connect with people it’s always true. The depth of the relationship will always determine the devastation when it’s terminated. To that end, exiting the lives of a person I consider a friend is not easy. I once tossed a friendship in the trash and it felt like what I imagine divorce or death is. It was straight up GRIEF.
There was no exit interview or a call for a meeting of the minds. It was just— Fuck you.
I imagine that if at that time, in my bag of tricks, I had strategies for navigating difficulty in relationships there might have been an alternative to the incineration of that relationship. Admittedly, the act of throwing the friendship away felt appropriate at the time. I felt validated, but the heartache that followed superseded all the righteousness.
If we could simply learn to assess, communicate and accept.
ASSESS.
The act of assessing occurs to determine worth and further investment. You have to ask yourself what the relationship means to you. Sometimes, when we get angry we skip this part. Ha! Let me own this. When I get angry or hurt I have a tendency to skip that part. I carry baggage from previous disappointments in friendship that lead me only to consider my hurt without taking the full scope of the matter or the fall out into consideration. It’s a defense mechanism. But why do I need a defense against people I love?
Questions to ask yourself:
Am I trippin? Is the offense worth mentioning? Are there other things happening in my life that have nothing to do with this situation that are causing me to be more sensitive? Is the relationship worth salvaging? Will this transgression mean anything in 2 or 3 weeks? Am I projecting? Is this person a repeat offender? What will my life be like without them? Can I be vulnerable enough to express the true depth of my hurt? If I forgive the transgression, can I move forward with this person without dragging the past along with us?
Once you answer these questions you will know if you want to move forward with the friendship or if it’s time to let it go.
COMMUNICATE.
SIGH. Communication is so underrated. We need to talk to each other. I mean really talk. We aren’t having enough meaningful conversations with people we say we love. We aren’t doing check-ins to make sure the relationship is mutually beneficial. When our feelings get hurt, we tuck them away, afraid that we will sound petty or needy or immature.
How can your needs be met if the only person who knows what they are is you?
Friendships need temperature checks too. All relationships have expectations. You must articulate when an expectation has not been met. I have learned that rocking the boat is better than flipping it over. When your feelings get hurt; admit it. When your expectations go unmet; say it.
Yesterday, I ordered my favorite salad just how I like it. When I went to pick it up; it was not how I ordered it. In the past, I would have taken that salad home and I would have been annoyed. I would have waited until that happened 3 or 4 more time before I addressed the issue. Of course, by that time I would be totally over it and pissed off. Yesterday, I walked up to the counter and said, “My order is incorrect. I ordered extra greens and I didn’t get them.” The person behind the counter apologized and quickly corrected the order. Simple.
I believe the people we are in relationship with do not have the desire to intentionally hurt us. They may lack understanding as to how we are affected by their behavior or they are completely unaware that they aren’t meeting our expectations for the shared relationship. I now understand that while the relationship is shared, the expectations for it may not be. We are all individuals with different needs. None of us are perfect. You have to clearly communicate your needs and your disappointment if and when they are not met.
ACCEPT.
You can NOT raise grown folks. This is a challenging lesson for me. I am a fixer… a problem solver. Accepting people for who they are is so UGGGGHHHH! I kid. I kid(not really). I realize that my ego is in the midst of this somewhere. So, I am actively working against my inclination to fix people. Instead, I am looking within myself to see what work needs to be done there. Now, that doesn’t negate calling out a friend for treating me poorly. That’s going to happen. I’m just done trying to fix the thing in people that caused them to treat me poorly in the first place. That’s not my job. That work need to be done by them.
The journey to wholeness is a solo endeavor.
I have to learn to accept people for who they are where they are. Also, most folks truly are doing the best they can with what they have. I have to accept that potential is not reality; it’s an ideal. My seeing the best in someone does not matter if they can’t see it and/or won’t actualize it. My desire for someone else’s life doesn’t belong to them. No one owes me the act of living their best life. I can only hold people accountable for how they treat me; not themselves.
The last piece is understanding that even when folks are doing their authentic best… it still may not be enough to sustain the relationship. I can accept someone for who they are and still determine they have no place in my life. I don’t know… Maybe I need to stop throwing friendships in the trash and place them in the recycle bin instead.
Some friendships just need time and space to be transformed into something new.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences. -Stephanie